Category: puns / word play

What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers.

What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing, it just shuts up.

What does Michael Jackson call his “Tickle-me Elmo” doll?
Bait.

What goes “99 thump 99 thump 99 thump…?”
A centipede with a wooden leg.

What goes “Tick tock, woof woof”?
A watch dog.

What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing.

What kind of reptile tells time?
A clock-odile.

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
Chocolate chimp cookies.

What magazine do cats like to read?
Good Mousekeeping.

What’s happening when you hear “woof…splat…meow…splat?”
It’s raining cats and dogs.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I do…
Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,….
Nothin’, but did you know you left your injun running?

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces:
“I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank – proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Ariel was in trouble again. Her sisters were complaining to King Neptune that she didn’t want to dress properly.

Instead of wearing anemones to cover the protruding bits, she would stick long fronds of seaweed in her hair. Obviously these fronds did not always do their job because they tend to move with the flow, and this really annoyed her sisters.

King Neptune, being a strict father, admonished his daughter and insisted she discards the seaweed and wear her anemones like a dutiful daughter should.

“But father,” Ariel argued, “with fronds like these, who needs anemones?”

Once there was a little girl and she went to her daddy and said,
“Daddy, can I buy a pair of pretty pink panties?” He answered,
“No.” She asked her mom and she said okay and gave her the
money. When she got home she was so happy she showed them to her
daddy. He was so furious he ripped them right off her body.

The next day she went to her dad and said, “Daddy can I buy a
pussy cat?” He answered, “No.” She went and asked her mom and
her mom said okay and gave her the money. She was so happy when
she got home she showed her dad the cat. He was so furious he
shaved the cat bare.

The next day she went up to her daddy and asked, “Daddy can I
buy a dog named Ass?” He answered, “No.” She went and asked her
mom and she said okay and gave her the money. She was so happy
when she got home she her dad the dog. He was so furious he
threw the dog out the window.

The next day the little girl was sitting on the curb crying when
an old nun walked by. “What is wrong child?” The nun asked. The
little girl looked up crying and said, “My daddy tore off my
pretty pink panties, shaved my pussy, and threw my Ass out the
window!”

The Yoko Club? – Oh no.
The German philosophy club? – I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club? – Pardon me?
The Arafat club? – Yessir.
The Alzheimer’s club? – Forget it.
The Ebert movie club? – Roger.
The Groucho Marx club? – You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club? – Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club? – Noh.
The quarterback club? – I’ll pass.
The Rhett Butler club? – I don’t give a damn.
The compulsive rhymers club? – Okey-dokey.
The Spanish optometrists club? – Si.
The anti-perspirant club? – Sure.
The pregnancy club? – Conceivably.
The Procrastinator’s Club? – Maybe next week
The Self Esteem Builders? – They wouldn’t accept me anyway
The Agoraphobics Society? – Only if they meet at my house
The Co-Dependence Club? – Can I bring a friend?
The Prayer Group? – God willing!

There were these 3 ducks all swimming in a lake one sunny
morning and when a 4th duck came across he started having a
conversation with the three to make some new friends. He asked
the first duck what his name was and what he liked to do in the
pond. The first duck answered, “My name is Joe and I like to
blow bubbles.” So the fourth duck asked the second duck the same
questions. The response was, “My name is Freddy and I also like
to blow bubbles all the time in the pond.” Then he asked the 3rd
duck the same question and the answer he heard was, “Well, my
name is Bubbles.”

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land. His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers. The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness. It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of … “dye a rhea”.

Four men were stranded on a desert island. They got very hungry
so three of them killed one of men, and ate him. The first man
said, “I support Liverpool so I’ll eat the liver”. The second
man said, “I support Manchester City so I’ll eat the chest”. The
third man said, “I support Arsenal ……. but I’m not hungry
anymore.”

There once was a man called Johnny that lost one of his
testicles in war so people called him Johnny one ball. So Johnny
made a promise to himself that the next person that called him
Johnny one ball he would shag until they died. So while walking
down the street a blonde shouted out “well Johnny one ball” so
Johnny went over and shagged her until she died. The next day on
his way to the shop a brunette shouted out ” well Johnny one
ball” so he went over and shagged her and shagged her but she
wouldn’t die. So what’s the moral of the story? You can’t kill
two birds with one stone.

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for
brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people
know their shit while others can’t tell the difference between
shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy
shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and
chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot
shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or
serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or
be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain
shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too
much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a
lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit’s creek without a paddle. Sometimes
everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swimming
a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop
to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of
creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need
to know anything else!