Category: puns / word play

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said…
“Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.” DOH!

That was Zen, this is Tao.

If vegetarians dont eat meat, would they eat animal crackers?

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. “But why?, they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!””No, I’m sorry”, replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

Okay, you’ve heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. –Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical RepairIdentical parts aren’t. –Beach’s LawAny tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. –Anthony’s Law of the WorkshopNothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. –Tussman’s LawIf it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. –Lowery’s LawThe solution to a problem changes the problem. –Peer’s LawThere is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. –William’s LawHandy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s Biology. 2. If it stinks, it’s Chemistry. 3. If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.Machines should work. People should think. –IBM’s Pollyanna Principle:The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage – management. –The Dilbert PrincipleThe first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. –Ehrlich’s LawIt is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. –Ralph’s ObservationIf you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. –Cannon’s CommentThinly sliced cabbage. –Cole’s Law

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner – first class all the way… The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn’t enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship’s crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent’s fireplace mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.

Martha Fucker and Angela P. were very good friends. Martha
wanted Johnny, her 15-year-old son, to meet Sarah, Angela’s
daughter. They arranged a meeting at Angela’s house and while
the kids talked, Martha and Angela went into the other room to
have coffee and chat.

Sarah eyed Johnny up and decided she wanted him in bed. She
lured him into her room, and after a few hours of covincing, she
was fucking him. Downstairs, Martha and Angela noticed that they
had been talking much too long and that Martha should be heading
home.

They searched the whole house for their kids but couldn’t find
them. Finally, they knocked on Sarah’s bedroom door to see if
they were in there. “Johnny Fucker!” Martha yelled. “I’m trying,
mom, I’m trying!” he yelled back. “Sarah P!” Angela cried. “I
can’t mom, the hole’s blocked!”

q:What do you call a pun thats been every where?

A: Binder Duntat

It was a glorious day for the tribe. Three of their women had gone into
labor at the same time, and so the entire tribe decided to gather and
watch the birth.

They spread some animal skins on the ground and laid the three women upon
them. The first woman, who was laying on a deer skin, moaned and groaned
and gave birth to a beautiful 5 pound baby boy. The entire tribe oohed and
ahhed appeciatively.

The second woman, who was lying on a buffalo skin, then moaned and groaned
and gave birth to a beautiful 6 pound baby boy. Again there was a chorus
of ooohs and ahhs from the tribe.

Then the third woman, who was lying on a hippopotamus skin the tribe had
traded for, moaned and groaned and began to yell in pain. Finally with a
last giant push, the woman gave birth to an astonishing 11 pound baby boy.

The entire tribe was stunned and amazed at the size of this baby.
Everyone, that is, except the village elder. When pressed for a reason as
to why he was not impressed with an 11 pound baby, he simply answered,
“Everyone knows that the son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to
the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.”

(If you don’t get it, ask a math major!)

A young English woman, Polly Martin, met and fell in love with a Yank during WWII. He was a reporter and battlefield artist attached to the military. His name was Wally Woodword and whenever there was any battlefield action Wally would make quick sketches on the front lines which he would later turn into proper drawings from which he wrote his reports.

Now, Polly and her friend Susan worked for the Ministry of Defense as did many young English women and the department they worked in was one that allowed them to know a lot of interesting information – including the exact date of the Normandy Invasion.

The day before the invasion Polly was telling Susan that she planned to spirit her reporter boyfriend away next day and take him on a picnic out in the country.

“But, you can’t do that,” Susan replied.
“Why not?” Her friend asked.

“Polly, Wally doodles all D-Day!”