Category: puns / word play

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, … “Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call “Teds, or Hales!”

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What did the Buddhist ask the pizza maker? “Make me one with everything.”

An Alaskan woman having car trouble pulls her Station Wagon into the local Exxon service station and has it looked over.

The Chillyland mechanic from under the hood says: “Ma’am it looks like you blew a seal.”

The Alaskan woman replies wiping her face: “No, it’s just Mayonaise.”

English settler: Excuse me Mr. Indian, what does that one feather mean?Indian 1: It means I screwed one women.English settler: Oh, you must be very loyal to your wife.Indian 1: No, I’m just unpopular. Go see that Indian over there. He’s popular.English settler: Excuse me Mr. Indian, what do those five feathers mean?Indian 2: It means I screwed five women.English settler: You must be popular.Indian 2: No I’m not. Go see him. He’s popular.English settler: Excuse me Mr. Indian, what do those ten feathers mean?Indian 3: It means I screwed ten women.English settler: You must be popular.Indian 3: No I’m not. Go see the chief. He’s popular.The English settler goes to see the chief. The chief is surrounded by feathers. He has so many feathers that the English settler couldnt even see him.English settler: Excuse me Mr. Chief, what do all those feathers mean?Chief: It means I screwed everyone in the entire tribe.English settler: Holy cow!Chief: Yes, cows too.English settler: But aren’t they hostile?Chief: Yep, horsestyle, pigstyle, and goatstyle. It’s the only way.English settler: Oh dear!Chief: No, not deer. Ass too high.

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn’t get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. “You know what I would do?” she said. “See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it.”Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, “Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables.”

At the edge of the forest there was a somewhat mediocre wizard. He is there to help the animals of the forest with some of their daily problems. One day a toad hops in.

The toad says “Oh wizard, please help me. I was born with a yellow penis.”

“I’ve told you animals, I can’t help you with any big problems,” responds the wizard. “You’ll have to go see the Wizard of Oz.”

So the toad hops off on his merry little way. But in not too long an elephant enters the wizards pad.

“Oh wizard,” the elephant begins, “please help me. I was born without a trunk.”

Now the wizard is infuriated. “Don’t you stupid animals ever listen!!! Take your damn big problems to the wizard of Oz!”

The elephant responds “But, wizard how do I get to the Wizard of Oz?”

“Oh that’s easy,” says the wizard. “Just follow the yellow dicked toad!”

One day two little girls decided to go to the local sandwich
bar, to grab a bite to eat
“What are you going to have?” Milly asked Molly
“Oh, the tongue sandwich, i think” replied Molly
“Eeeeeeeer, I could never eat anything from an animals
mouth..you never can tell whats been in it”
“Oh, well what are you goung to have then?”
“Egg”

whats the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in
a bath?
one has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole.

A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.

I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather, “I believe it’s snowing”. “No, it looks too wet to be snow,” he said. The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow…

Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said: “Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!”