Category: puns / word play

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection.

He was 71, Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in
recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess
Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how
much he was kneaded.”

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but later in his life his career was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty
old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in
the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Aviod hangovers wear a bra.

Q:wat do you call a pun thats been every where?

A:Binder Duntat

Once upon a time there were three men who heard a tale of the
fabled Rainbow Bridge. These three men had heard that if you
jumped off the bridge into the valley below, the you would land
in whatever you wished for during the fall. So these three men
travelled to the bridge. The first man stood at the side of the
bridge, jumped off, shouted ‘billions of thousand dollar bills’
and he land in a huge pile of money. The second guy stood at
the side of the bridge, jumped off, shouted ‘naked supermodels’
and he landed in the arms of hundreds of naked supermodels
(female and MALE). The third guy had no idea what to wish for.
He stood at the edge of the bridge for a long time, finally he
took a step forward, tripped, screamed ‘shit’ and landed…in a
pile of poo.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog.

How you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, you get down from ducks.

What city has the largest rodent population?
Hamsterdam.

What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
“Well done.”

What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
“I am ewe.”

What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
“I find you very attractive.”

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

What did one potato chip say to the other?
Shall we go for a dip?

What did the painter say to the wall?
“One more crack and I’ll plaster you!”

What do cats like on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.

What do cats like on their hot dogs?
Mouse-tard.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.

A young couple get married and they have never made love
before. On their wedding night the wife is quite anxious to get
things going, but the man seems to be having some difficulty.
Finally, he starts to undress. She notices his knees are deeply
pockmarked and scarred. So the wife said “What happened to you?”
The man said “When I was very young I had the kneesles.” He
took off his socks and when his wife saw that his toes were all
mangled and deformed she said “I don’t understand. What happened
to your feet?”
“Well you see, when I was a young boy I had tolio.” So the
man takes off his shorts and the woman says, “Don’t tell
me…smallcox.”

Q: Why isn’t gambling allowed in Africa?

A: Because of all the cheetahs.

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

“I’m about to close,’ the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon’s hand and says, “I’m not going to let you do that! I’ll close my own incision!”

The doctor hands him the thread and says, “Go ahead…Suture self”!

A guy is sitting at a bar eating the nuts in the bowl that are
on the counter. As he looks down he notices that there was a nut
talking to him. As he gets closer he can hear what it is saying
to him, it says, “Hey your one good looking guy!” Another nut
said, “Yeah and I bet you’re rich too!”

The man asks the bartender, “What’s up with those nuts?” The
bartender just replies, “They are complimentary nuts.”

if you look in the dictionary there are loads of definitions for
things and if you noices they are all way out1 here are the REAL
definitons for the following words!

Adolecense: the period in one’s life between puberty and
adultery.

Adults: people who have stopped growing up and started growing
out.

Catacomb: a comb for a cat.

Dogma: the mother of puppies.

Myth: an unmarried female with a lisp.

Octopus: an eight-sided cat.

Stastican: a person who if you stick your feet in an oven and
your head in a refrigorator will tell you that, on average you
are very comfortable.

Have fun!

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded, “I think it’s obvious. A cereal killer got her!”

Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the
cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the “lesser of two
weevils.”