Category: puns / word play

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine. What! You’ve never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

One day, Jerry Aught, who liked to get drunk, did just that. When he got home, his wife, Sherry Aught, would get mad. One day, Sherry said,”If you come home drunk again, I will hit you on the head with this frying pan”.The next day, Jerry came home drunk again.As he lay on the doormat,Sherry came out with the frying pan. Jerry started to sing: “swing low, sweet Sherry Aught, coming to carry me home…”

What was the last thing they gave to Elmo before he left the factory?

2 testtickles!

Two pieces of string walked into a bar and ordered a pint. ‘sorry’ said the barman, ‘we don’t serve pieces of string in here’ and with that he threw the two pieces of string out.

Outside, one of the pieces of string ruffeled himself up, tied himself in a loop and went back into the bar.

‘Are you one of those pieces of string I just threw out?’ asked the barman.

‘No’ replied the string, ‘I’m a frayed not’!

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage.
They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: “hiss and hearse”

(woo-hoo!…that was terrible! 🙂

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to
have her killed. A “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a nefarious
underworld figure, who went by the name of Artie.

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but
that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man
opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept
the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local supermarket
grocery section store. There, he surprised her in the produce department,
and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the
manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to
strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire
proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store’s
security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under
intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan,
including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared,
“ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SUPERMARKET.”

Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts ‘A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!”.The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, “Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses”.Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says “But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?”.The young girl says “I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?”Sir Edgbert is desperate and says “If I must, I must. Show me the animal”. The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It’s coat is threadbare, it’s legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, “Surely, you wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this?”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about” says the caretaker.
“He’s just decomposing!”

More delightful verbal prattfalls gleaned from Kermit Schafer’s
book “Blunderful World of Bloopers.”
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Aba Daba Honeymoon:
An emcee interviewed a young couple who had just come from being
married at a Justice of the Peace. He asked, “What is it like to
be married?” The blushing bride replied, “I can’t say…..it
hasn’t sunk in properly yet.”

Happy holidays:
On behalf of all station personnel, we want to wish you season’s
greetings and a happy and preposterous New Year!”

Make an offer:
Political candidate – “If I’m elected, I can promise you the
best government money can buy.”

No class:
Teacher – “And now class, we come to the moment we have all been
waiting for….a strip film….ooops…I mean a film strip on
farming.”

Taken to the cleaners:
Ad for a dry cleaning service – Ladies who drop off their
clothes will receive prompt attention.

Good thing it’s radio:
And now we present the homely friend-maker.

Bring the bacon:
During WWII, women saved drippings and fat from cooking to be
recycled. This is when an announcer came up with this double
entendre – “Ladies, bring your fat cans down to the corner
butcher.”

Playboy holiday:
Emcee – Ma’am, what would be your reaction if your husband told
you he was going on a two week fishing trip with a bunny…..I
mean buddy!”

Give ’em an inch:
Emcee – What are you doing in the city?
Contestant – I’m on my honeymoon.
Emcee – Are you enjoying it?
Contestant – Yes, every inch of it.

Meanwhile, down on the farm:
The chairwoman of the County Breeders Association had announced
plans to show her calves to any interested farmers.

Don’t miss it:
Due to the following special program, “The Invisible Man” will
not be seen tonight.

Binoculars ready:
Newscaster – The streakers are at it again and I can’t
understand this type of behavior. I guess it’s just a way to
show you’re nuts!”

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection.

He was 71, Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in
recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess
Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how
much he was kneaded.”

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but later in his life his career was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty
old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in
the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.