Category: puns / word play

A family of three lived in a small farm: the parents and a kid.

One day dad went off to work and mom told the boy what his
chores were for that day: First feed the pigs, then put the
chickens back in the cage, and then let the cows out in the
field to graze.

The boy went out to feed the pigs. He was in a very bad mood for
having to do such stupid chores, but he didn’t want to disobey
his mom so he fed the pigs like he should; but he hit them with
sticks and grumbled to himself. Next he went to put the chickens
in their cage; but while putting them into the cage he started
kicking and yelling at them. And last he went to let the cows
out in the field; since he was still in a bad mood he started
chasing the cows and yelling at them.

Mom saw all this happen and when the boy came back from his
chores she told him, “I saw the way you threw stuff at the pigs,
so for a week you don’t get any bacon for breakfast. I also saw
the way you kicked and yelled at the chickens so for one week no
eggs or chicken. I also saw the way you chased the cows while
putting them out in the field, so no hamburgers for you for a
week.”

Later that day, the dad came home from a terrible day at work.
As the dad walked up to the house he almost tripped over the
cat. “Damn cat!” So he kicked it really hard.

The boy turned to his mom and asked, “Should I tell him or
should you?”

Jenny and John went to the Market to buy some Pigs.
Jenny bought one and John bought one, but they ended up having
not enough money for two pig sties, so they bought only one, and
decided to put both their Pigs in there.

But then Jenny said,
how will we tell them apart? So, John cut his Pig’s ear off.
During the night, John’s Pig was eating off the ear of Jenny’s
Pig, so John cut off the other ear of his Pig. And during that
night, John’s Pig was eating off the other ear of Jenny’s Pig.

In the morining John and Jenny couldn’t tell them apart, so
Jenny said “Look, i’ll just have the white Pig, and you take the
Black one!”

A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.

The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window. “Do you want a screwdriver?” she asked.

The chauffeur shrugged. “Might as well,” he said,” I can’t get this bloody hub cap off!!!

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder
excuses.

Taxis stop for us.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when we dance.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

I we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate each other without ever touching rearends.

We never have to reach downs ever so ifter to make sure all our
privates are still there.

We have to ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we look
like idiots.

There are times when chocolate really does solve all your
problems.

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can make funny comments about how silly men are in their
presence, because we know they are not listening anyway.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M.

The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines,
“The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn”

Pat: Hey, Chris! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.Chris: To tell you the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him tosing like a bird.Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can’t believe it!Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he’s a parrot fish.Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.Chris: That’s what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.

They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, “Weren’t you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?

The nun Replied, “Nah, don’t you know old habits are hard to break!!

Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?

A: Trapper John

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A: A flat minor!

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It’s the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.

Ted: Last night my computer died. Ned: What did it die of? Ted: A
terminal illness