Category: puns / word play

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate.

They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: “Get out of our lives you rascal.

We’ll teach you that you can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.”

You so poor when I saw your mama walking down the street kicking a can I walked up to her and asked her what she was doing she said she was moving.

What’s another name for a ant eater?

An uncle.

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

A while ago there lived a boy. He was different from all other
boys because he was born without any legs or arms. He lived his
life for 21 long years. During this time his father prayed and
prayed.

On his 21st birthday his father took him to a bar to have his
first drink. He took a shot and poof a leg popped out. Everyone
was amazed and told him to take another drink. When he did, poof
another leg popped out. He took 2 more shots and 2 arms popped
out. By this time everyone was cheering for him. He got up from
his stool and stumbled out onto the street. Just then a truck
went by, hit him, and killed him. The bartender looked at the
father and said, “He should have quit while he was a head.”

What’s the difference between a fat lady and a virgin?Ones tryin’ to diet the other dyin’ to try it!!!!!!

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.He goes up to one of the guys and says, ” I want to join the Mafia.”The guy answers, ” You ever kill any one for money?”Artie answers, “No.”The guy says, ” Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money.”So Artie says, ” How much will you pay me?”The guy says, ” I’m not gonna pay you.”Artie says, ” C’mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in.”The guy says, ” Okay, I’ll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I’ll pay you a dollar.”Artie says, ” Oh thank you, thank you!” and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she’s lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can’t out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.In the morning paper the headlines read, ” ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!”

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??” “I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!” Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.” With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.

“Say, what’s your name, mister?” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours?”

“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said. “Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?” she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.

“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “having eight inches of Snow in June?”

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
– Mistle toe, of course!

A guy wants to start a farm. He goes to the market, and a
salesman notices him. He comes over and says, “Can I help you
sir?”

“Well,” the guy says, “I need to buy a rooster.” “Oh,” says the
salesman, “They are over here, but we don’t call them roosters,
we call them pull-its.” So the guy takes one.

Next he says he needs a chicken. The salesman says, “They are
over here, but we don’t call them chickens, we call them cocks.”
So the guy takes one.

Next and finally, he says he needs a donkey. The salesman says,
“They are over here, but we don’t call them donkeys, we call
them asses.” So the guy takes one.

“Now,” says the salesman, “To get the donkey going, you need to
scratch it under the belly. So get your pull-it and cock and get
on.” So he did. “Now good luck!” And down the road he went.
About half way home, the ass stops in the middle of the road.
Luckily, a beautiful blonde stops and says, “Sir, can I help
you?”

He replies, “Yes. Will you hold my cock and pull-it while I
scratch my ass?”

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:
This parking space belongs to the Wizard….
Violators will be toad!