Category: puns / word play

A man and his three friends are driving around one day when they happen to crash into the side of a bridge and completely wreck their car. While his three friends remained intact, the man had lost an eye and had to be rushed to the hospital. Once he arrived there, he discovered to his horror that they were out of glass replacement eyes, so they would have to give him a wooden eye.Because he was so ashamed of becoming a freak with a wooden eye, the man refused to leave the hospital until they discharged him a week later, and then for several weeks after he stayed in his house with no contact to the outside world. His friends, feeling incredibly guilty for their lack of injury, decided to take him out to a club to try and cheer him up.Though he was reluctant, he accepted. Once they were at the club, his three friends began dancing with girls, while he felt too shy about his eye to ask anyone. As the night wore on, he became more self-assured, and started asking some girls to dance, but was refused by all of them, because he was such a monster. After several of these refusals, the man felt so dejected he was about to leave, when the dancers parted and he could see across the hall a girl with vertical lips. These are lips that run up and down instead of side to side. Suddenly he regained his confidence, realizing that there was no way another freak would refuse him a dance.He strode across the dance floor up to the girl, and said “Hey, would you like to dance?””Would I?!” she replied. (you have to say the last part out loud to understand it)

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves”.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village. As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town’s elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh’s cabin. Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went. Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!! And the moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what it’s jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cooking’s gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn’t have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Why won’t melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who can’t help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, “This is a clear case of ‘Carp in tunnel’ syndrome.”

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of “car pool tunnel syndrome.”

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite “Ruff”

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.

THOR, the God of Love wakes up the morning after the orgy.

As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.

He walks over and says – “Good morning, I’m THOR”!

She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says –
YOUR THOR…I’M SO THOR I CAN’T PITH!

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I’m a deck of cards!

Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I’ll deal with you later!

When Little Johnny’s mother found out she was pregnant, she told
the good news to anyone who would listen. But Little Johnny
overheard some of his parents’ private conversations.

One day, when Johnny and his mother were shopping, a woman asked
the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

“Yes!” Johnny answered, “And I know what we’re gonna name it,
too. If it’s a girl, we’re going to call her Christina, and if
it’s another boy we’re going to call it Quits!”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A man walks into a bar carrying three ducks under his arms. The
bartender has learned not to question people when they bring
animals into the bar. So the man sits down and starts to drink.
After a while the man gets up and walks to the bathroom. When
the man leaves the bartender looks at the ducks and starts to
talk to them.

“So what are your names?”

The first duck responds, “My name is Hewi.”

So then the bartender goes, “And how was your day?”

The first ducks says, “Great! I was in and out of puddles all
day long.”

So the bartender goes to the second duck and asks, “What’s your
name?”

The second duck says, “My name is Dewi.”

Again the bartender asks, “And how was your day?”

The duck responds, “Great! I was in and out of puddles all day.”

So the bartender goes to the third duck and goes, “Your name
must be Loui then.”

“No,” replies the duck. “I’m Puddles and don’t ask about my
fucking day.”

This Isrishman went to Bangor, North Wales, for a day trip. When
he arrived, he parked his car on some double yellow lines. As
soon as he stepped out of the car, a Traffic Warden came along
and said, “You can’t park there!” “Why not?” said the Irishman,
“the sign says ‘Fine for Parking’!”

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting
any.

There are two kinds of pedestrians–the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the
fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Jury – Twelve people who determine which client has the better
lawyer.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

A symphony orchestra is performing Beethoven’s 9th in the park. It’s so windy that the music sheets need to be tied down so they won’t blow away. The tuba players just did their first bit, and they won’t need to perform for a while, so they go to the bar across the street to get some drinks. Finally they hear that their next part coming soon, so they go back across the street. But they’re so drunk, they can’t untie the music! So the conductor looks over, and sees the tuba players, stumbling over each other trying to untie the music. He freaks out and thinks, “Oh no! It’s the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and the score is tied!”