Yours Fun Portal !
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall?
Art.
What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on a window?
Curt and Rod. [curtain rod]
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell [rustle]
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that is thrown out of a
boat?
Skip.
What do yo call a man with no arms and no legs in the floor?
Matt.
We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight.
We sought professional help and had a tree surgeon come to look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark.
“In fact,” he said, “This tree’s bark is worse than its blight!”
By combining Allegra, an allergy medication, and Viagra for…well you know… pharmacists can now give you an erection that’s not to be sneezed at!
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing inthe lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about anhour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”Because,” he said, ”I can’t stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Q: What do you use to fry a peter?
A: Peter Pan.
Q:What do you call a guy with no legs in leaves?
A:Russle!
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.
After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a huge fancy chrome plate.
He asks the waiter, “What’s with the fancy plate?”
The waiter replies, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
There were once two skunks, In and Out. When Out was in, In was
out, and when Out was out, In was in. One day, mother skunk
noticed that In had been gone for quite a while and said to Out,
“Out, go find In.” So Out went to go find In and returned a
short time later. The mother skunk was surprised. “Out,” she
said, “How did you find In so fast?” Out grinned and replied,
“Instinct.”
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d love to give you one but the
mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her
job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day, the father sees Little Johnny heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you
going?”
Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night
and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell
you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if
I’m going to stick around here by myself with an $80,000
mortgage and no transportation.”
One day Johnny and Katie were outside playing in the sand box
when Johnny’s mother called him in for lunch. Katie said Johnny
can i eat over and he said No, she said i’ll give u a cookie
Johnny said OK. Then Johnny got called in 4 a bath. Johnny can I
take a bath with u?
No and once again she said I’ll give u a cookie, OK. Then he was
going to bed when she said Johnny can I sleep over No I’ll give
u a cookie OK. The next morning Johnny woke up in the Emergency
Room and he asked what happened? katie replied ” Your snake spit
at me so I bit it’s head off!”
…’Well, it wasn’t that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net.
Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.’
‘Your second husband was killed too?!!? That’s horrible!’
‘Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.’
‘Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?’
‘It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he’s a wonderful man. I think we’ll live a long happy life together.’
‘And what does your present husband do for a living?’
‘He’s a mortician.’
‘A mortician? I don’t understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?’
‘Well, if you think about it it’s not too hard to understand…
One for the money… Two for the show… Three to get ready… And four to go!’
NEW TAX LAW The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time is is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts. Effective January 1st, 1999, your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows: 10-12” Luxury Tax $30.008-10” Privilege Tax $15.005-8” Nuisance Tax $3.00Males exceeding 12” must file under Capital Gains. Anyone under 4” is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!! Sincerely,Pecker CheckerIRS ***NOTE*** We are still waiting for answers for the following questions: * Are there penalties for early withdrawals?* What if one’s penis is self-employed?* Do multiple partners count as a corporation?* Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?* Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?