Category: puns / word play

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven�s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, “Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit.” After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, “You do appear to have a problem. I’d like to see you again next Wednesday.”

After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.

For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn’t pay and refused to acknowledge the debt.

Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.

A man scanned the guests at a party adn spotted an attractive
woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. “My
name is Carman,” she told him. “Thats a beautiful name,” he
said. “Did your mother give it to you?” “No,” she replied, “I
gave it to me. It reflects the things I like most–cars and
men.” They continued to talk and finally she asked him his name.
“Beerfuck,” he said.

More gems paraphrased from Kermit Schafer’s delightful book
“Blunderful World of Bloopers.”
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Heaven or the other: Visitor to London – I find the city truly
incredible, especially Westminster Abbey. I thought I was in
Heaven until I turned and saw my wife beside me.

Go for it: I a comedy skit, the actress playing the wife was
trying to get the car keys from her “husband’s” pants pocket
while his hands were tied. Her line at this point was, “Gee,
going into your pants pocket like this makes me feels a little
silly.” The actor “husband” quickly quipped, “Go a little lower
and you’ll feel nuts!”

Repeat that again: A youth-orientated football contest featured
a “Pass, Punt and Kick” event. However, one announcer fumbled it
into….”Now it’s time for the annual Pack, Piss and Kunt
exibition.”

Bon Voyage: Female announcer – I was almost late for the
broadcast. I went to see my Uncle Jack off on the Queen Mary.”

New Sport: An anchorman meant to ask the sports director how the
World Cup Soccer team was doing, but blurted, “How’s the World
Cock Sucker team doing?”

Newscaster disaster: The accidental ommission of a letter in a
news wire story resulted in this embarassing error – “After her
appearance in movies, the distinguished actress indicated that
she preferred appearing in stag plays.”

Pucker up: During a hockey game, the sportscaster became excited
and blurted, “Now Orr catches the puck and rams it between the
girlies legs to score…..of course that was the goalie!”

Better lather than never: Pick up a bar of deodorant soap for
’round the cock protection!”

Feeling kilty:
Emcee – What is a sporran?
Contestant – It’s that thing covered with hair that hangs down
between a Scotsman’s legs.

Holy moly: An evangelist was instructing the congregation from
text taken from 2nd Peter. As he reached into his pocket to get
his glasses, he jolted the parishoners with the statement, “Let
us turn to the book of 2nd Glasses while I take out my peter.”

Bill goes to his friend’s house with 3 bandages and 2 black
eyes. He walks in, and his friend asks what happens. Bill tries
not to explain because it is so embarrassing. But his friend
talks him into explaining.

Bill starts to talk… “Well I was branding a cow with my wife
the other day, and it was a beautiful cow and a great looking
brand. When we went to sleep, we heard the cow mooing in pain,
so we went out to check what was happening. We went outside, and
nothing was there, so we went back to sleep. Well, we woke up
the next day to find our cow was gone, so we went to the nearby
farm to look for the cow with our brand. We started searching,
and I finally found it. I lifted the tail of the cow and saw a
brand on its huge butt. So I yelled to my wife, THIS LOOKS LIKE
YOURS HONEY!”

What did the male sheep say to the female one?
Ewe are so beautiful.

A few years back, there was a depressed snail. He was sick of
always being last in lines and being passed up by all of the
other “fast” animals.

So, he went to a car dealership and bought a red mustang. After
purchasing the car, he took it straight to the body shop.

He told the detailer to paint a big “S” on the hood of the car.
You know why he did that?

Because he wanted the people who saw him driving the mustang to
say, “Look at that “S-Car-Go!”

There is nothing better at 5pm on a Friday afternoon, than to
call up the airport and have one of these names paged…

Kareem O’Weet (Cream of Wheat)
Kaye Ken Cofe (Cake and Coffee)
Kay Neine (Canine)
Kay O’Pectate (Kaopectate)
Ken Oppenner (Can Opener)
Kenitra Bush (Can I Eat Your Bush)
Kenny Dewitt (Can He Do It?)
Kenny Fakur (Can he Fuck her)
Kent Cook (Can’t Cook)
Kim Payne Slogan (Campaign Slogan)
Kimmy Head (Give Me Head)
Lance Lyde (Landslide)
Laura Lynn Hardy (Laurel and Hardy)
Lee Keyrear (Leaky Rear)
Lee Nover (Lean Over)
Len DeHande (Lend a Hand)
Leo Tarred (Leotard)
Lily Livard (Lily Livered)
Lisa Neucar (Lease a New Car)
Liz Onnia (Lasagna)
Lou Briccant (Lubricant)
Lon Moore (Lawn Mower)
Luke Adam Go (Look at Him Go)
Lou Sirr (Loser)
Lou Stooth (Loose Tooth)
Louise E. Anna (Louisiana)
Lowden Clear (Loud and Clear)
Luke Atmyass (Look At My Ass)
Luna Tick (Lunatic)
Lyle Ike Adogg (Lie Like a Dog)
Lynn Guini (Linguini)
Lynn Meabuck (Lend Me a Buck)
Mabel Syrup (Maple Syrup)
Madame Crotch (My Damn Crotch)
Madka Owdiseez (Mad Cow Disease)
Manuel Labor (Manual labor)
Marcus Absent (Mark Us Absent)
Marge Innastraightline (March in a Straight Line)
Marion Money (Marrying Money)
Mark Mywords (Mark My Words)
Mark Z. Spot (Mark The Spot)
Marsha Dimes (March of Dimes)
Martha Fokker (Motherfucker)
Mary Christmas (Merry Christmas)
Mary Gold (Marigold)
Mary Juana (Marijuana)
Mary Ott (Marriot)
Mary Thonn (Marathon)
Master Bates (Masturbates)
May I. Tutchem (May I Touch Them?)
May O’Nays (Mayonaise)
Max E. Mumm (Maximum)
Max E. Pad (Maxi Pad)
Megan Bacon (Makin’ Bacon)
Mel Keetehts (Milky Tits)
Melissa Tothis (Ma, Listen to This)
Mel Practiss (Malpractice)
Michael Toris (My Clitoris)
Michelle Lynn (Michelin)
Midas Well (Might As Well…)
Mike Hunt (My Cunt)
Mike Ockhurts (My Cock Hurts)
Mike Ocksmall (My Cock’s Small)
Mike Rohsopht (Microsoft)
Mike Rotchburns (My Crotch Burns)
Milly Meter (Millimeter)
Minnie Skurt (Miniskirt)
Miss Alanius (Miscellaneous)
Misty Meanor (Misdemeanor)
Mitch Again (Michigan)
Miya Buttreaks (My Butt Reaks)
Moe DeLawn (Moe the Lawn)
Moe Lester (Molester)
Moe Skeeto (Mosquito)
Moe Telsiks (Motel Six)
Mary Ott (Marriot)
Mort Tallity (Mortality)
Myra Maines (My Remains)
Mysha Long (My Shlong)
Nadia Seymour (Now do you see more?)
Nida Lyte (Need a Light)
Neil B. Formy (Kneel Before Me)
Neve Adda (Nevada)
Nick L. Andime (Nickel and Dime)
Nick O’Teen (Nicotine)
Nick Ovtime (Nick Of Time)
Oliver Closeoff (All of her Clothes Off)
Ophelia Titzoff (I’ll Feel Your Tits Off)
Opie Umsgood (Opium’s Good)
Otto B. Kilt (Ought to be Killed)
Otto Whackew (Ought to Whack You)
Paige Turner (Page Turner)
Papa Boner (Pop a Boner)
Pat Myckok (Pat My Cock)
Patty Meltt (Umm….Patty Melt)
Patty O’Furniture (Patio Furniture)
Pearl E. Gates(Pearly Gates)
Pearl E White (Pearly White)
Peppy Roni (Pepperoni)
Pete Zaria (Pizzeria)
Peter Pantz (Peed her pants)
Phil A. Delphia (Philadelphia)
Phil Atio (Fellatio)
Phil DeGrave (Fill the grave)
Phil Down (Feel Down)
Phil McCracken (Fill My Crack In)
Phil Myez (Feel My Ass)
Phil Mypockets (Fill my pockets)
Phillip McCrevice (Fill up my Crevice)
Phyllis Schlong (Feel his Shlong)
Polly Esther Pantts (Polyester Slacks)
Poppa Woody (Pop A Woody)
Pussy Galore (Well…What the hell do you think it means?!)
Quimby Ingmeen (Quit Being Mean)
Quint S. Henschel (Quintessential)
Quinton Chingme (Quit Touching Me)
Quinton Plates (Contemplates)
Rachel DeScrimination (Racial Descrimination)
Ray N. Carnation (Reincarnation)
Ray Pugh (Rape You)
Renee Sance (Renaisance)
Rick Kleiner (Recliner)
Rick O’Shea (Ricochet)
Rip Tile (Reptile)
Rita Book (Read a Book)
Robin D.Craydle (Robbing the Cradle)
Robin Banks (Robbing Banks)
Robin Meeblind (Robbing Me Blind)
Ron A. Muck (Run Amuck)
Ruben Mycock (Rubbing My Cock)
Russell Ingleaves (Rustling Leaves)
Sadie Word (Say the Word)
Sal Ami (Salami)
Sal Sage (Sausage)
Sal T. Penuz (Salty Penis or Peanuts)
Sam Manilla (Salmonella)
Sam Pull (Sample)
Sam Dayoulpay (Some day you’ll pay)
Sam Urai (Samurai)
Samson Night (Samsonite)
Sarah Doctorinthehouse (Is There a Doctor in the House)
Scott Shawn DeRocks (Scotch on the Rocks)
Seaman Sample (Semen Sample)
Seymour Butts (See more butts)
Sheeza Freak (She’s a Freak)
Sheri Cola (Cherry Cola)
Sherman Wadd Evver (Sure Man, Whatever)
Shirley Knot (Surely not?)
Shirley U. Jest (Surely You Jest)
Sid Down (Sit Down)
Sir Fin Waves (Surfin’ Waves)
Stacey Rhect (Stays Erect)
Stan Dup (Stand up)
Stu Padasso (Stupid Asshole)
Stu Pitt (Stupid)
Sue Case (Suitcase)
Sue E. Side (Suicide)
Sue Permann (Superman)
Sue Shi (Sushi)
Sue Ridge (Sewage)
Sue Yourazzof (Sue Your Ass Off)
Tanya Hyde (Tan Your Hide)
Tara Newhall (Tear a New Hole)
Tate Urchips (Tater Chips)
Ted E. Baer (Teddy Bear)
Telly Vision (Television)
Teresa Green (Trees are Green)
Tess Tickle (Testicle)
Tim Burr (Timber)
Tina See (Tennessee)
Titus Balsac (Tightest Ball Sack)
Torah Hyman (Tore a Hymen)
Ty Tannick (Titanic)
Ty Tass (Tight Ass)
Tyrone Shoes (Tie Your Own Shoes)
Ulee Daway (You Lead the Way)
U.P. Freehly (You Pee Freely)
Val Crow (Velcro)
Val Lay (Valet)
Val Veeta (Velveeta)
Vlad Tire (Flat Tire)
Walter Melon (Watermelon)
Warren Piece (War and Peace)
Wayne Deer (Reindeer)
Wayne Kerr (Wanker)
Willie Maykit (Will He Make It?)
Wilma Leggrowbach (Will My Leg Grow Back?)
Winnie Bago (Winnebago)
Winnie Dipoo (Winnie the Pooh)
Woody U. No (What Do You Know?)
Xavier Breath (Save Your Breath)
Xavier Money (Save Your Money)
Yerma Wildo (Your Mom Will Do)
Yousuckmynuts N. Scratchm (You Suck My Nuts and Scratch Them)
Yule B. Sari (You’ll Be Sorry)
Zeke N. Yeshallfind (Seek and You Shall Find)
Zelda Kowz (Sell the Cows)
Zoltan Pepper (Salt and Pepper)

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man’s talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.

The director asked the young man his name.
“Penis van Lesbian,” the man replied proudly.
“Well,” said the director, “we’ll have to change that.”

“Oh,” the young man said, “I could never change my name. It’s my heritage.”
“Well,” said the director, “if you’re not willing to change your name, you’ll never go anywhere in show business.”

The young man left the theater dejectedly.

A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.

“Do you remember me,” asked the young man?
“Yes, I do,” said the director. “I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to.”

“Well, I finally took your advice,” the young man said. “I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since.”
“I told you so,” the director replied. “And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?”

“Dick van Dyke.”

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.

My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

Q: What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?
A: Fore cyclinder.

I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn’t want to make any rash promises.

An univeristy student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!

When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.

People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip.

A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I’m telling you so early because it’s so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It’s very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don’t forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U….

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.Continuing with that theme:banker disinterestedblackjack dealer discardedcabinet member disappointed”Cannabis Club” owner disjointedcashier distilledchemist dissolutionedC.P.A. discounteddetective dissolvededitor dispelledelectrician dischargedgeologist dismantledHamlet disdainedhero discouragedinventor disingenuousjockey displacedlawyer distortedmagician disillusionedmap maker disorientedMarine drill sarge disgruntledmarriage counselor disavowedmathematician disprovenmathematician (2) disintegratedmedium dispiritedmeteorologist disgustedmixologist disbarredmodel disposedmountain climber disinclinedmovie star discreditedOlympic skater disfiguredperfume maker dissentedprofessional mover dislocatedprospector disclaimedresidential developer distractedrock musician disbandedRodney Dangerfield disrespectedsaint disgracedseamstress dispatchedsinger discordsteel worker distemperedSupreme Court Justice disrobedthespian displayedvirologist disinfectedwarlock disenchanted