Category: puns / word play

Once upon a time, a little boy lived by a river. It was a very boring river because the land was so flat there. One day, the boy was eating lunch by the river, munching on a kosher pickle. All of the sudden, an idea comes to him and he pitches the pickle into the river. Instantly, the river is transformed into a majestic waterfall! People came from miles around to witness the miracle. After seeing the beautiful waterfall, they turned to the little boy. “How,” they asked, “how did you know to toss the kosher pickle into the river?” The little boy smiled and answered, “I just thought of that old adage–you know, that dill waters run steep!”

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn’t have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named “Yewin”.The other man argued adamantly. “No, No, No! It’s not wetter Yewin that counts… it’s how you ply the gum!”

These three strings were having a hard time one night trying to
buy a beer. It seemed that because they were strings, they
weren’t allowed to enjoy a beer upon entering a bar. The same
excuse…”sorry, we don’t serve strings in here” only made the
strings more determined, but they always met with the same lack
of success. Exasperated, the leader of the strings had an idea.
While his string friends looked on, the leader snipped both ends
of himself and tied himself in a bowline. “Follow my lead”, he
said to his buddies and entered a bar. “I’d like a beer please”,
he said to the bartender. And to his surprise, the bartender
left and came back with a cool one. Just as the string was about
to sip his reward, the bartender asked, “pardon me, aren’t you a
string?” To which the string replied, “no I’m a frayed knot.”

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.He said, “I’m sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle.”The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.She said, “The doctor told me I’ve got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a macarel.”

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, “That’s the first time I’ve ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A AGENT WHO LIVES IN A WASHING UP BOTTLE?

BUBBLE O SEVEN

Two cannibles are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says “Does this tast funny?”

Little Johnny was always late for school. Day after day he would
come to class late. Finally, his teacher told him if he was late
one more day he would be suspended.

So, the next morning he showed up to class late and the teacher
asked him why he was late. He replied, “I was riding my bike
down the hill next to the school, and my brakes gave out. At the
bottom of the hill there was a goat, and my handle bar went
right up his ass.” “RECTUM!” corrected the teacher. With that
little Johnny repiled, “Wrecked him? Hell, it killed him!”

A young girl wearing a short skirt was walking back home from school one day. On her way home, she saw an old man standing under a coconut tree. The old man noticed her and then walked up to the girl and said, �Will you climb up this coconut tree and pluck a coconut for me? � The little girl replied, �Why should I?� The old man told her, �If you help me, I�ll pay you $2.� Thinking that there�s no harm in doing it and at the same time, she can get some pocket money, she agreed.
And so she climbed up the tree. While she was busy plucking the coconut at the top, the old man under the tree then took a peep at her underwear.
When she got the coconut down, the old man handed a $2 note to her. She ran back home happily with the money that she got and went to tell her mother about it. �Mummy, Mummy! I got $2 today. �
After the girl finished telling her mother about what happened earlier, her mother scolded her, �Why are you so stupid?!! That old man is a sex pervert! He just wants you to climb up that coconut tree so that he can peep at your panties!!! � The girl told her mother, �Don�t worry Mummy. I won�t let him see my panties again.�
The next day, on her way back from school, the little girl saw the same old man again, at the same coconut tree. The old man again, asked her to climb up the coconut tree to pluck a coconut for him and return, he will give her $2. The girl told him, �No! Mummy said that you are a sex pervert and I�m not going to help you this time.� The old man paused, and then he said, �Hmm, how about $4?� �Erm�No!� replied the girl. Old man quickly offered her $6.
�$6?� She hesitated for a while before finally agreed to it. So she did the same thing like yesterday and went back home joyfully.
Back home, she called out to her mother, �Mummy, Mummy! I got $6 today!� When the girl told her mother about the old man again, she scolded her, �Didn�t I told you about that old pervert!? Why did you let him see your panties again?� But the girl told her mum, �Don�t worry Mummy, he didn�t get to see my panties this time.� Surprised, her mother asked her why and the girl said,
�Because I didn�t wear any today.�

If a customer walked into a hardware store and swore by a certain type of bathroom cabinet to another customer, saying how good it is, would you say the first customer had a pro-vanity problem?

What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?

” Look what Marma-Lade!! “

Imagine what is happening!
Put 2 cherrys on your head.
Take one off and eat it.
Now chop off your head.
Then put it under your arm.
Take off the other cherry and eat it.

Did you eat it at your real mouth or the mouth under your arm.
If you ate it from your real mouth unlucky.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA