Category: professionals

Q:what is the cheapest meat you can buy?
A:deer balls because its under a buck.

This group of guys goes hunting every year, they stay in a cabin. they always put Fred in a room by himself because he snores so loud. one year there is a new guy with the group, but the only room they have for the new guy to sleep is in the room with Fred. the next morning Fred comes out of his room, eyes bloodshot, irritable, clearly a lack of sleep. the new guy comes out looking like he’s had the best rest in his whole life. now the group of guys are confused! this has never happened before, it’s usually the other way around! this continues night after night. finnaly one of the guys works up the nerve, and asks Fred whats going on? “well” he said. “I am asleep for a little while, when suddenly I wake up to the new guy blowing in my ear and patting me on the ass. then he goes and lays down and starts sleeping. there is no way I can sleep the rest of the night in the same room with that guy.”

Thursday night her husband comes home and says that he has been invited on a fishing trip this weekend with his boss and it would get him the bounse that he had been waiting for.

So if she would pack his bag and put out his tackle box in the morning he would pick it up and would se be sure to pack his new blue silk pajama’s.

the wife thinking that it was alittle fishy she did as he said.

when her husband came home he said they had caught a lot of fish. But then asked why she had not packed his new blue silk pajama’s?

I did the wife said they were in your tackel box!

Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says to the other one, “I’ve lost an electron!

The 2nd atom replies, “Are you sure?”

Says the 1st atom, “I’m positive.”

~~
Editor’s note: I find it personally amusing that this joke is simultaneously an Intellectual joke, yet one of the stupidest jokes I’ve heard…

Well their are three guyz on a bridge fishing. they all think there dicks are bigger than each others so….. the one guy throws his dick over the bridge. and he says my almost reaches the water.the 2nd guy throws his dick over and says burrrr! the waters cold. the 3rd guy throws his over and says to the 2nd guy! and deep too!

The Washington Post asked readers for alternate meanings for various words. Readers had these suggestions:Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.Carcinoma (n.) a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.Willy-nilly (adj.) impotentFlabbergasted (adj) appalled over how much weight you have gained.Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.Gargoyle (n.) an olive-flavored mouthwash.Bustard (n.) a very rude Metrobus driver.Coffee (n.) a person who is coughed upon.Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.Marionettes (n.) residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.Circumvent (n.) the opening in the front of boxer shorts.The Washington Post also asked readers to alter a word by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent items:Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn’t get it.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Frisbatarianism: The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.Glibido: All talk and no action.Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.And, best of all…Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

One day two men were fishing, when a Game Warden slipped up on themand asked
to see their fishing licences.One of the men took off running in . So

the warden started chasinghim. He ran after the man up and down the

side of the river, thru the swamp,up the side of a mountain, the man swam across the

river with the warden right behind him . Then he swam back across the river with the warden still right behind him.Finaly after about three miles of chasnig the game warden caught up with the man, bleeding and out of breath the warden asked to see his fishing licence. The man reached in his pocket and pulled out his licence and

handed it to the warden.And the warden asked why did you run? The man just looked at the warden and smiled and said the other guy didn`t have his licence.

Three men were walking down the road when they saw a bottle. They picked it up and a Genie popped out. He said, “Since there is 3 of you, I will give you one wish each.” So the first man, wanting to be clever, wished to be 50% smarter than he already was, and POOF he was. The next guy, wanting to be cleverer than this first guy, wished to be 75% smarter than he already was, and POOF he was. The last guy, thinking he was cleverer than the other two, wished to be 100% smarter than he already was and POOF, he turned into a woman.

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a
six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.
He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach
standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw
him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell
rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same
six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him
in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell
rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.
This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear
as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn’t drink at all. The doorbell
rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the
snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room
floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He
explained events of the preceding four nights. “What can I
do?” he pleaded. “Not much” the doctor replied. “There’s
just a nasty bug going around “

A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her,” the woman told him. “She
looks
as if she’s going to have kittens, but that’s impossible. She’s never
been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash.”
The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her
pregnancy.
“But she can’t be,” protested the woman. “It’s impossible.”
At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.
“How about him?” asked the vet.
“Don’t be silly,” answered the woman. “That’s her brother.”

A street person approached a passerby. “Sir, would you give
me $100 for a cup of coffee?”

“That’s ridiculous!” the man said huffily.

“Just a yes or no, buddy,” the beggar growled. “I don’t
need a damn lecture about how to run my business.”

An American, Australian and Englishman where stranded together on a desert island. After many years together, one day the three men were walking on the beach when they saw an old bottle than had been washed up. Immediatley the American opened the bottle. There was a flash and a loud bang and a Genie appeared. The Genie said” I have been trapped in that bottle for a 1000 years, and as a reward I will give you all one wish”
The American straight away said “I want to go back home to New York”

With a wave of the Genie’s hand, the American disappeared.

The Australian said “Please send me back to my home in Sydney”

“No Problem”, the Genie answered. And the Austrialian disappear.

Suddenly there was a loud crash. Behind the Genie and the Englishman, a giant pink elephant had just fallen out of the sky onto the beach. The elephant picked himself up and looked around. He then looked at the Genie and the Englishman and said apologetically, “Sorry chaps, I appear to be the wrong joke!”