Category: professionals

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read:’MAIN ENTRANCE’

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.”Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

An old guy walks into a bar on night. and was telling about all of his hunting experiences and one guy asked him what is the most painful momet you have had hunting. and he said he was hunting deer in canada and had to take a shit. So he found a tree and leaned against it and when his balls saged down a bear trap jumped up and grabed his balls.and he jumed into the air.And the guy said wow I can see why that is the most painful momet ever and he said no that is only the second most painful momet. The most painful was when I ran out of chain.

Q:Why do women like hunters?

A:They go deep into the bush they shoot twice and they eat what they shoot.

It was a yankey and him and some buds were going ice fishing so they go and come back and one of his co-workers asked how his fishing trip whent the yank replied we did not get to fish it took us all day to drill out a hole big enough for the boat.

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the
gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and
as they’re getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga
and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made
of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they’re going to live?. The Pope gets what
everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an
18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV
dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver
platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made,
so he asks one of the angels in charge, “Has there been some kind of mistake?
This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I’m just a
lawyer and I’m getting the finest of everything?”

The angel replied, “No mistake, sir. We’ve had lots of Popes here, but
you’re the first lawyer we’ve ever had.”

An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer.
The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.

The old man replied, “Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we’ll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.

The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, “Well, what seems to be the problem?”

The old man replied with a sad look on his face, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Two people go hunting.One shoots a bow arrow in a deer.He says,”Sit down and wait here and don’t make a sound”.So he leaves. The other man does not make a sound. So the other man findsthe deer but then he hears a scream. He runs to the man sitting down. he says “Why did you scream”? The other man says” I did not scream when a snake bit me butI did scream when two chipmanks ran up my pantlag and said”Should we eat them here or take them home”.

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.”What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.”That is the talking clock,” the man replied.”How’s it work?” the friend asked.”Watch,” the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF ASSHOLE! It’s two AM!”

There was this flea and he was walking along the beach and he looked down and found a lamp so he rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and granted the flea three wishes so the fleas first wish was to be on benji so poof he was on benji about two weeks later he came back to the genie and the genie asked him whats the matter the flea said well benji scratched to much and took to many flea dips and i almost died so the fleas next wish was to be on willie nelsons beard hear so poof he was then about four weeks later the flea came back to the genie and the genie asked what was the matter so the flea said well willie smoked to much and the smoke would get caught in his beard and i almost died so his next wish was to be on dollie partons pube’s (pubic hair) so poof he was there about six later he came back to the genie looking really confused so the genie was like whats the matter i thought i got rid of you on that one and the flea says i thought you did to but some how i ended up on willie nelsons beard again!

One Sunday, a priest decided to skip church and go hunting in the nieghbooring forest. So while he was hunting he saw a gigantic grizzly bear the had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The priest thought the bear was good game, so he clumsily shot at it, and he missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and started charging at the priest. The priest used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed. “Dear God,” he said, “Please let this bear be a good christian, a better one than I was.” As the bear drew closer, is dropped to its knees and said, “Dear God, thank you for this meal I am about to receive.”

A car drives up to a farmer’s house, a man gets out, knocks on the door, and the farmer opens it. “A friend told me you have a mule that points quail”, said the stranger, “is that true”?? “Sure is”, said the farmer, “would you like to see him work?” The strangers said, “Sure”. Soon they were walking through a field, when the mule suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. The farmer walks ahead of the mule and scares up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times…the mule points…the farmer scares up the covey. Finally, the stranger says, “That’s enough, I’ve got to have that mule”. “He ain’t for sale”, said the farmer. I’ll give you $50,000.00 for him”, said the stranger. Well, the farmer couldn’t refuse such a big offer, so he sold him. The next night, the farmer’s phone rang…it was the stranger. “What the hell’s wrong with this damed mule you sold me?”, he screamed…”all he’s done all day is stand belly deep in my pond”!! “Well”, said the farmer, “I guess I should’a told you……he’d rather fish than hunt.”