Category: professionals

What’s the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic?

A psychotic doesn’t believe that 2 + 2 = 4.

A neurotic knows it’s true, but it bothers him.

Boris was working in the potato fields,when he found a lamp. he rubbed it to clean it up when a genie appeared. the genie gave him one wish.boris did not believe the genie so he asked the genie to make his pee turn into the finest russian vodka the land has ever tasted.the genie said that will be done ,whenever you pee it will be vodka. boris went home that night to tell his wife,natasha, about the experience with the genie.together they decided to taste boris’ pee and sure enough it did taste like vodka, in fact the best they had ever tasted.so every night after work boris would rush home from the fields and promptly set out two glasses and then pee into each one for him and natasha to enjoy the vodka.one night boris came home and set out one glass,natasha noticed this and asked him if they were going to drink vodka tonite and boris replied,”yes my dear we are,but tonite you drink from the bottle”.

Early one morning, Jerome was walking along a beach. In the sand he found a brass lamp. He decided to rub the lamp and a beautiful genie appeared.
Jerome, being quite a bright lad, said “I have released you from your prison and you must grant me 3 wishes.”

The Genie said “That is true but my powers are rusty. You will have to come back tomorrow.”

Jerome replied “Oh, but I cannot wait till tomorrow, because I am a student and must take my finals exams then.”

The Genie responded, “Very well. I will write you 3 letters of acquaintance. Give one to each of the wizards whose address I have written on the letters and they will grant you a wish on my behalf.”

Off Jerome went. On the way he wondered what to wish for and thought about his exams tomorrow. He suspected what some of the exam questions might be and thought why not be sure I have the correct answers. So he decided to ask the Wizards to unravel some perplex mysteries for him.

To the first, he asked to know the secret of how Caramel puts the caramel in their bars. Poof . . . the Wizard sent him to the Chocolate Factory and he discovered how it was done.

To the second Wizard, he asked how toothpaste could come out like a candy cane . . . with the red stripe down it. Poof . . . the Wizard send him to the Toothpaste Factory and he now knew how it was done.

To the third Wizard (whom he woke up) . . . he asked how the pyramids were built. Poof . . . Jerome found himself in the Egyptian Desert working with thousands of other slaves.

After no luck 2 hunter from the Bronx decided to get back to their car and go back to Ney York. Suddenly as they were walking 1 of the men callopsed, the other rushed checked his pulse, he was dead, the man pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911 the operator said “okay the first thing to do is make sure he’s dead.” the man pulled out his rifle walked over and shot his friend in the head picked the cell phone and “okay,now what?”.

Three guys are coming back from a hunting trip, when thier truck breaks down. The 1st guy says I think I saw a farm house back down the road about a mile. So they start walking and by the time they get thier it’s getting dark. They ask the lady that lives in the house if they can use her phone, she says “I ain’t got a phone but yer welcome to stay here for the night, as long as you don’t make fun of my son because he don’t have any ears”

So they are all siting around the T.V. with thier own section of the newspaper. The first guy looks up at the boy and says “take care of your teeth because when you get old like me you won’t have any”

The second guy looks up over the section of news paper he has and says “boy…you better take good care of your hair because when you get old like me you won’t have any”

So then the third guy looks up at the boy and says “boy you better take good care of your eyes because when you get old you won’t be able to wear glasses because you ain’t got no ears”.

A bear was chasing a rabbit around the woods, when the rabbit came across a magic frog. He said that if they stopped fighting he’d grant them 3 wishes each “Bear, you go first” the frog said. So the bear wished that all the bears in the wood except him were female. The rabbit then asked for a motorbike.” poof, two wishes left.” ” duh, ” thought the bear, “rabbit could have just asked for money and then he could have bought his own motorbike” So bear then wished that all the bears except him in the next wood were female too. The rabbit then asked for a motorcycle helmet, put it on and kickstarted the engine. The bear was shocked at how thick the rabbit was being, he could have asked for more money and bought his own
” Rabbit, your last wish” the frog said. The rabbit said: “I wish the bear was gay”, and drove off into the distance.

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law
office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced
that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. “Show him right in!” our
lawyer replied.

As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an
idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it ” …and you
tell them that we won’t accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and
don’t even call me until you agree to that amount!” Slamming the phone
down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; “Good Morning, Mr. Jones,
what can I do for you?”

“I’m from the phone company,” Mr. Jones replied, “I’m here to connect
your phone.”

Old Fishing Proverb (Mach 2)
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll spend all day in a boat drinking beer.

My doctor specializes in acupuncture — that wonderful healing method
developed by Don Rickles.

– Bob Hope

Q:what did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?

A:Damn

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his wife he’s going hunting and that she can either go hunting with him, let him fuck her in the ass, or give him a blow job.

He informs her that he’s going out to get the dog, load up the hunting gear and will be back to get her decision.

About an hour later, he comes back into the house and asks his wife what she wants to do.

”Well,” she says, ”I ain’t going hunting with you, and you sure as hell ain’t fucking me in the ass, so I guess it will be a blow job.”

She’s down there giving him the job when all of a sudden she starts coughing and spitting and says, ”Your dick tastes like shit!”

He replies, “Well, the dog didn’t want to go hunting either.