Category: professionals

A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing? There’s a public toilet 20 meters from here!”

The man, amazed, yells back. “What do you think I have, a hose?”

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up …suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle.
“Master, I may grant you one wish.” says the genie with a smile.

“Hey, Bitch… don’t you know who I am … I don’t need no woman give me nuttin!” barks Rodman.

The genie pleads…”But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever.”

Dennis thinks a moment … then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all… he says “Ok, ok … I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning. So just do it!” (giving the genie an evil glare) “Now leave me alone!” he screams.

So the annoyed genie says, “So be it!” and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.

There was this guy he walked into a bar. He told the bartender he wanted a beer. Well he noticed that the bartender had quite a body on him. He says to him”Im not trying to sound gay but you have a muscalar body but such a little head why is that?”
The bartender had been asked this question before he says to me “one day” he begins. I was walking through the woods and I got lost and then from beyond a tree I heard a voice and it was saying” help me” I looked around and couldnt find anyone then I heard it again “help me” well I looked down a seen a frog The frog asked me to kiss her and she said”I will turn into a beutiful genie” I looked around and seen nobody was around so I kissed her and there she stand naked and beutiful she told me that I had three wishes She asked me what my first one would be. I said I want to have a body like arnald swarnegger so she muttered a spell and poof I stand there body build and everything I took my clothes off and she says to me your second wish I said I want to make love to you by the lake here and she said poof your wish is granted they lay there for hours making love and then after we are done she said to me you know you still have one more wish. I said “How about a little head”

A psychiatrist’s receptionist comes in and says, “There’s a
man out in the lobby who says he can make himself invisible.”

“Tell him I can’t see him right now.”

As Word Ways magazine discovered, if you take all the letters in this famous speech — To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune… — you can anagram them into these deep thoughts: In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

This newlywed couple decides to go to a lake resort for their honeymoon. During check in, they explain to the desk clerk that they are on their honeymoon and would like a suite. After paying the couple heads up to their room. Only 10 minutes go by and the husband is down at the desk asking to rent a fishing pole. The clerk was shocked to see the man wanting to go fishing on his honeymoon. The clerk told the man: “I would be up there with your wife, it’s your honeymoon.” The man replied: “My wife has herpes, besides I really love to fish.” The clerk tells the man: “There’s other thing you can do on your honeymmon you know” The man replied: “I know, but she also has hemmoroids and gum disease, besides I really love to fish. The clerk then asks: “If your wife has so many things wrong with her why did you marry her?” The man replied: “She also has worms, and like I said “I really love to fish.”

Bobby was in the jacuzzi with three other gays telling them his gay penises joke; suddenly alot of spunk floats to the top, everyone shouts ” Bobby have you farted again”!

There is three men they were all on an island and a genie showed up , he said they would give each of them one wish. so the frist guy said that he wanted to be smarter so he turned into a blonde and swam to the other side. The next guy said he wanted to be smarter than the frist guy so he turned into a red head and built a boat & rowed to the other side. the third guy asked to be smarter than both guys. So he turned into a brunet & took the bridge.

One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up �Man I really need a drink!� in response David replied, �You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.� �Really?� said Jim �That�s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?� Said David �Sure, hell I�ll try anything once!� Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn�t felt this good in years. �Wow!!� He said. About that time his telephone rang. �Hello?� Jim Said �Hello Jim? Came the reply �This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?� Jim said �Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you?� David replied� Me too man, but I have one question for you.� Jim said, �Sure man what is it� �Have you farted yet man?� Jim said �Ummmmm No. Why?� �Man don�t. I�m in Phoenix!�.

The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare 15> ‘How about a little Puck?’14> ‘Of course, ‘Romeo and Gertrude’ is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M’Lady.’13> ‘Et tu, Cutie?’12> ‘Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?’11> ‘If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?’10> ‘Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?’ 9> ‘My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent.’ 8> ‘Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I’d spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean.’ 7> ‘Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?’ 6> ‘Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I’m merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!’ 5> ‘Greetings to you, fair sailor.’ 4> ‘But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?’ 3> ‘Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?’ 2> ‘O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me divine thy weight.’and the Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare… 1> ‘Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question.’

Two Irishmen are the only survivors in a shipwreck.Floating helplessly in a lifeboat they come across a lamp floating in the ocean. Paddy reaches out and grabs the lamp and after rubbing it a genie appears. The genie immediately says “you are granted one wish”. Paddy and Mickey both look at each other in astonishment then Paddy yells “make the whole ocean into the best tasting beer ever”. With the clap of his hands and a thunderous crash the ocean becomes the finest brew known to man.With the suds gently lapping against the sides of the boat,Mickey with an angry roar yells “Oh! Thats great.Now we have to piss in the boat!”

What’s the difference between an itch and an allergy?

– A $100 office visit.