Category: professionals

Satterfield sat in the office of Dr. Hobbs. “I’ve got an emergency out
at my house, Doc,” muttered Satterfield. “My son Steve was kissing his
girlfriend while his mother and I were out this afternoon, and he got
his braces locked.”

“No problem,” said the dentist. “I have to unlock teenagers’ braces
all the time.”

“From an I.U.D.?”

There are two moose hunters who hop
on a float-plane and fly to their

destination. When the plane arrives at the

lake, the pilot says: “In three days, I’ll

meet you two guys back here with one

moose.” The plane flew away and the

men set up camp.

The first day they shot nothing. The

second, one man shot a moose and on

the third day, the second man shot

another moose. The plane came to pick

them up, and the pilot said: “What are you

doing, I told you to be here with only one

moose, not two.” The hunters told the

pilot that last year, the pilot let them take

two mooses (mice?). The pilot wanted to

stay competitive with the other pilots and

made an exception this time to let the

hunters take two mooses. With the extra

weight, the plane barely got off the lake,

then hit a tree and crashed. One hunter

crawled over to his buddy to see if he was

hurt. He shook him, then he woke up and

said, dazed: “Where are we?” The first

man answered: “About 100 feet from

where we crashed last year.”

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said “Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog”. “Well then, you’re a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him”, Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck.”Good luck”, Joe said,”hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later”. That evening, Bob came back to Joe’s, and Joe came out to meet them. “Well, how many did you get?”, Joe asked. “We didn’t get any” Bob shouted. “That’s unbelievable” Joe exclaimed. Bob said,”Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that shit”.

There was once 3 indians and a chief. the chief told the indians to go hunting a couple minutes later the first indian comes back with a deer. The chief said, “how did you get that deer?”. The indian said, “Me see track me follow track me shoot deer”. Then the 2nd indian comes back with a bear. the chief asked him how he got the bear. the indian said, “Me see track me follow track me shoot bear.” A couple hours later the third indian comes back all bruised up and bleeding. The chief asked, “What happened to you”? The indian said me see track me follow track me get hit by a train.

A young engineering student started working at a factory as vacation
training. The foreman was a little busy so he handed the student a
broom and asked him to sweep the floor.

The student began to protest, indicating he was after all, an
engineering student. ‘Oh sorry” said the foreman, “this is how you do
it……”

An ice fisherman was sitting with his line in a hole in the ice, but he wasn’t having any luck. Two hours passed and not a nibble. A kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old approached, cut his own hole in the ice, and without a word, dropped his line and immediately began to pull in some of the largest fish the man had ever seen.
Flabbergasted, the man overcame his curiosity, and asked the lad: What was his secret?

The kid said, “Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr…” The man wasn’t sure if the kid even spoke english, and repeated his question. Again the kid said,”Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr…”

“0ne more time,son. What was it you said?” The kid looks at the man, spits the contents of his mouth into the palm of his hand, and says: “YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!”

There was three guys that were fishing out in the ocean. After a while of not catching anything,one guy yells,”I’ve got something!” So they all rush over and help pull it in. They pulled for hours until inside the boat was a mermaid.
She plead for them to let her go and when they wouldn’t , she said, ” I’ll grant you each one wish if you let me go.

THe men agreed.

THe first guy said, Make me three times smarter than I already am.Poof, and then he started quoting shakespear perfectly.

The second guy seeing this said make me 10 times smarter. poof and then he figured out math problems that famous mathemations had been pondering for years.

The third guy said, make me 20 times smarter. The mermaid said, sir consider that carefully. He didn’t listen to her and said, make me twenty times smarter!

And poof, he turned into a woman.

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
–Bobcat Goldthwait

Dr. Stranton died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. While trying to get
through, he was stopped by St. Peter. “Now hold on,” said the M.D. “I’ll have
you know I was the biggest specialist in Chicago. You’ve got to let me in.”

“Sorry,” said St. Peter. “You have to go to the rear of the line and wait
your turn.”

Dr. Stranton moved to the back of the queue and stood there. Suddenly, he
spotted a man dressed in a green operating outfit, wearing a surgical mask and
a stethoscope, walk past him and then straight through the Pearly Gates.

Stranton rushed up to St. Peter and shouted, “what’s the meaning of this? I
was here before that man. How dare you let him in?”

“Sorry,” explained St. Peter. “That’s God. You see, he thinks he’s a
doctor.”

Q:what did the little mermade wear

A:an alge bra

Two guys were out fishing in the ocean one day and not catching anything until one of the guys caught a strange looking fish. “Ha Ha said the other guy, we’re out here to catch salmon and you come up with that ugly thing.” “No wait! the other guy says, This is much better, watch this. The guy unzips his pants and puts his penis in the fishes mouth. Then he pokes the fish in the eye, the fish goes crazy wiggling and squriming and then calms down. The guy pokes the fish in the eye again and the fish wiggles and squirms again to the guy’s delight. Finally the guy takes the fish off his pecker and says to his friend, “you want to try this?” His friend looks at the fish then at him and says’ “well OK if you promise not to poke me in the eye.”

One day, a little boy and his dad went fishing down at the lake. they were sitting there for a while without catching anything when the boys dad pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. “can i have a sip of that father?” asked the little boy. his father replied “does your dick touch your ass?” “no” the little boy answered. “then you can’t have any beer”his father added. a little while later his father pulls out a cigar and starts smoking it. “can i have a puff?” asked the little boy.his father replied “does your dick touch your ass?” “no” the boy answered. “then you cant smoke my cigar” the father added. after a while the boy hooks a big fish and starts to real it in. once it was realed all the way in they realized that it was not a fish, but it was a big wodden box. they opened the box to out find that it was full of money. “can i have some of your money son?” asked the boys father. the boy replied “does your dick touch your ass?”. “yes” his father answered. the little boy concluded “well then go fuck yourself”.