Category: professionals

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She
said, “Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I’d
like to talk with the person who gives the
information about the patients. But I don’t want
to know if the patient is better or doing like
expected, or worse, I want all the information
from top to bottom, from A to Z.”

The voice on the other end of the line said,
“Would you hold the line, please, that’s a very
unusual request.”

Then a very authoritative voice came on and
said, “Are you the lady who is calling about
one of the patients?”

She said, “Yes, darling! I’d like to know the
information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.”

He said, “Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg,
Farber–Finkel. Oh yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing
very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her
blood pressure is fine, and if she continues
this way, her doctor is going to send her home
Tuesday at twelve o’clock.”

The woman said, “Thank God! That’s wonderful!
She’s going home at twelve o’clock! I’m so happy
to hear that. That’s wonderful news.”

The guy on the other end said, “From your
enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the
close family.”

She said, “What close family? I’m Sarah Finkel!
My doctor don’t tell me nothing!”

A little boy and his grandpa were sitting in a boat fishing. After a few minuets the grandpa pulled out a beer. The little boy whispered..
“Hey grandpa, no one’s around can I have some?”

The Grandpa thought a moment then said, “Well, does dick reach your asshole?”

“Umm..no.”

The Grandpa smiled, “then you can’t have one.”

Later on the Grandpa lit up a ciggarette. The little boy asked again, “Hey Grandpa, no one will ever find out, can I try it?”

The grandpa replied, “Does your reach dick your asshole?”

The boy frowned, “No.”

“Then you can’t try it.”

The Grandpa was feeling quite proud with himself when the boy pulled out a package of fresh baked cookies. He felt like he had earned it so he said to the boy, “Hey sonny pass one of those over here.”

The boy sat for a moment looking at the bag, then smiled and said, “That depends, does your dick reach your asshole?”

The Grandpa laughed and said, “Why yes it does.”

To this the boy replied, “Then you can go fuck yourself, cause Grandma made these cookies for me!”

A man goes into hospital for some tests. They knock him out, and when
he comes round there’s a doctor peering over him; you know, pulling the
eyelid up, wielding the reflex hammer.

Doctor says; “Ahh. I’m glad you’ve come round. I’m afraid I have some
mixed news”

Man Says; “Don’t hold back Doc, tell me the bad news”

Doctor says; “worse than I thought; we had to amputate your left leg”

(You’ve heard it, right ?)

Man says; “What’s the good news then ?”

Doctor replies; “The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers”

Several days later the same man is rushed into the operating theatre for
further surgery. Finally, hours later, he begins to wake. He sees the
doctor peering over him and thinks of deja-vu.

Doctor says; “Ahh. I’m glad you’ve come round. I’m afraid I have some
mixed news again”

Man Says; “What could be worse than having one leg amputated,
tell me the bad news”

Doctor says; “worse than I thought; I’m afraid that we had to amputate
your right leg as well”

The man lapses into fits of uncontrollable tears. The doctor says to him;
“But I haven’t told you the good news yet. Pull yourself together, man”.

The man regains some composure and says; “What is it ?”

Doctor says; “Do you see the nurse over in the corner ?”

“Where ?”; the man asks.

Doctor says; “That nurse over there with long blond hair, large tits,
long legs; absolute nymphomaniac ?”

Man says “Do I. She’s incredible”, getting excited

Doctor says “Well, I screwed her last night”

Far out at sea two irish men were stranded
on a raft. One day the first one found a bottle floating in the ocean, after opening the bottle a genie appeared.

“I will give you one wish”.the genie bellowed

Without thinking the second man yelled ” I wish the whole ocean was Guiness beer!”.

“You idiot”,yelled the first man,”Now we will have to pee in the boat”.

A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges. She says, “normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1.”
The man thinks a minute and says, “Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed.” She says, “So be it!”, and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are on top of a mountain when a genie appears infront of them. “You may all have one wish.” says the genie. “But, whatever you wish for you will land in once you jump off the cliff.”
The Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts “GOLD!”

The Scotsman jumps off the cliff and shouts “WHISKEY!”

The Irishman goes to jump of the cliff, trips over a rock and says “Oh Shit!”

A grandpa and his five year-old son went out fishing. After a while the grandpa pulled out a beer and the grandson asked “Hey Grandpa, can I have a beer?”
The grandpa replied by saying “Can your dick touch your asshole?”

So the grandson said,”No.”

Then the grandpa said, “Then you can’t have one.”

Later on, the grandpa pulls out a cigarette and lights it up and the grandson asked “Hey grandpa, can I have a cigarette?”

The grandpa again replied by saying, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”

So the grandson again replied by saying no.

Then the grandpa said, “Well, then you can’t have one.”

Now the kid is getting really pissed off. So he takes out a cookie and the grandpa says, “Gee grandson, can I have one?”

The grandson replied by saying, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”

So the grandpa said, “Yes.”

Then the grandson said, “Good, then go f*** yourself because grandma made these for me.”

Barth went to Dr. Legget to get a cavity filled. He escorted Barth to
the chair and gave him some novocaine. Legget returned a few moments
later, told him to open wide, and then reached for his drill.

Suddenly the dentist stiffened and said to the man, “Mr. Barth, do
you realize your hand is clutching my testicles?”

“Certainly, Doctor,” he replied. “We’re not going to hurt each other,
are we?”

When Mike got arrested, they told him, “Anything you say will be held against you.”
Mike said, “Claudia Schiffer’s breasts.”

An old man takes his grandson fishing on afternoon. After 15 minutes of fishing,ol grandpa takes out his flask of wiskey and starts drinking. His grandson ask’s,”Can I have some Grandpa?
“Can your dick touch your ass?” he replies.

“No”

“Then you’re not old enought,sit down”

Another 15 minutes pass and grandpa takes out his Camel and starts to puff away. His grandson ask’s “Can I have some of that gramps?”

“Can your dick touch your ass?”

“No”

“Then you’re not old enought,sit down.”

Feeling bad the little boy sits down and starts to eat some chocolate chip cookies that he brought along.Grandpa sees these cookies and ask’s,”Can I have a cookie?”

“Can your dick touch your ass?”

“Yeah”

“Then go fuck yourself cause grandma made these for me.”

Then there was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken driving.
They let him go, though. He was already an hour late for an
operation.

One day a man went to the beach to drown himself when he saw a bottle. He brushed the sand off of it and a genie came out. 3 Wishes u know the drill, says the genie. So, the man wishes for a porche. Thre’s his porche. He knows this is for real now, so he wisheds for the car to be filled with thousand dollar bills. POOF! There they are. He tells the genie to get back in so he can think of the ultamite wish. He then hops in his car, not the man wanting to commit suicide anymore. He was so happy he was singing! “I wish I were an oscar meyer weiner…” and POOF! he was an oscar meyer weiner.