Category: professionals

A big time lawyer from New York went duck huting in Kansas. He shot a duck while it was in the air. It happen to land in a feild next to were he was hunting. Across a fence.

A farmer was in the feild with his tractor and saw it land on his side. The lawyer climb the fence to go get the duck.

As he reach for it. The farmer said. Put that down. Thats my duck. The lawyer said no it’s not. I shot it. it’s mine. The farmer said it landed on my feild it’s mine.

The lawyer told the farmer that he was the best lawyer in N.Y. and he would sue him for every thing he has.

The farmer said in Kansas we don’t sue people to settle dispute. We do by the 1,2, 3 kick.

The lawyer said. The 1, 2, 3 kick. Whats that.

The farmer said we kick each other until one give up. And the one who give up first can have the duck.

The lawyer was a body builder also. As he size up the farmer as he got off his tractor. He agreed to the 1, 2, 3 kick.

The farmer said. I get to go first. cause the duck landed in my field. The lawyer said ok.

Well the farmer kick him in the growing and the lawyer bent over in pain. Then the farmer kick him in the nose. all most took it off. As the lawyer tryed to get up. The farmer went and kick him in the kidnees,

The lawyer went down hard. As he muster all his strength he had to get to his feet.

He Said. NOW IT’S MY TURN.

The farmer said. Nope I give up.

You can have the duck.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

Q:why do gypsies walk funny?

A:cause they’ve got crystal balls

A doctor fell into a well once.
He learned to tend to the sick and leave the well alone.

There was a little boy and his grandfather going fishing one day. The little boy and grandfather were sitting there and his grandfather pulled out a pack and got a chew of tobacco. The little boy said grandpa can I have some of that he grandpa asks can ur dick touch ur ass he says no his grandpa says then u can’t have any. Later on his grandpa pulls a beer out of his cooler and starts drinking it the little boy asks for some his grandpa says can ur dick touch ur ass he says no and his grandpa says u can’t have any then. It was getting late into the day and they were both getting hungry and the little boy pulls out a bag of cookies and starts eatting them his grandpa asks for one the boy asks his grandpa can ur dick touch ur ass his grandpa says sure it can the little boy says good go fuck ur self grandma made these cookies for me.

These two guys up north wanted to go ice fishing, so they went to a bait shop. They got some bait and two boxes of icepicks. They went up to the clerk and payed for them. After that they went to the lake. About two hours later they came back to the bait shop and bought another two boxes of icepicks. When they went to pay for them, the clerk said “Man, you must be catching a lot”. One of the guys told the clerk, “Heck no, we haven’t even got the boat in the water yet!”

Three statisticians are hunting when they see a deer in the clearing. One of them shoots and misses by ten feet to the left. The next one missis by ten feet to the right. The third one jumps up and yells, “We got him!”

One day a priest decided to go down to the dock near his church. He saw a fisherman loading up his boat there. So the priest watched him for awhile. The fiisherman saw the priest and asked him if he wanted to go fishing with him. The priest had nothing to do so he said ok. They went out all day. They only caught one fish all day and it was the priest who caught it. The fisherman said,”That’s a big sonofabitch!” The priest was like what did you say. Quickly thinking the fisherman said that is the name of the fish. Later when the priest went back to the church he showed it to the bishop and said look at this sonofabitch I caught. The bishop was like watch you mounth. The priest said no that is the name of the fish. The bishop said ok lets go clean it. They cleaned it and took it to the sister to cook it. She said where did you get the fish from. The priest said I caught the sonofabitch and the bishop cleaned the sonofabitch. The nun was stuned but she cooked it. Later that night the pope came over for diner. After diner he asked where they got the fish from. The priest said,”I caught the sonofabitch.” The bishop said,”I cleaned the sonofabitch.” Abd the nun said,”I cooked the sonofabitch.” Just then the pope sat back in his chair losened his belt and said,”I you mother f*ckers aint so bad after all.”

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”

“Yeah, so?” said the officer.

“Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?”

Three doctors are waiting for St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. When he
arrives, he asks the first doctor “Why should you be allowed into heaven?”

The first doctor replied, “I spent my whole career
in medical research and made life better for thousands.”

St. Peter seemed immpressed and said, “C’mon in, you are worthy.”

He then asked the same thing to the second doctor who answered, “I
renounced riches to work with the poor and made lives better for thousands.”

St. Peter again seemed impressed and invited the second doctor inside.

When he asked the third doctor what he had done, the doctor answered, “I
worked for a very large and succcessful HMO.”

St. Peter said to the doctor, “You may enter but you can only stay for three days.”

Dentists are wonderful. They put all this fancy equipment
into your mouth, get their drills going full blast, then ask
you questions you feel compelled to answer, like
“I hear your wife has been sleeping with the milkman?”

One day a kid and his dad go golfing up in Canada. the dad tells his son that if a bear comes along dont run cause a bear can out run any human. so there on the coarese and the dad asked the kid what he should do if a bear came up to him. The son yells”im gonna run like hell” the dad says “but a bear can out run u’. the son says”its not the bear i have to outrun it u”.