Category: professionals

A man goes into a bar, sits down, and looks at the drunk guy next to him. he asks the drunk if he wants to see something amazing; the drunk says yeah, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny grand piano and a little man who proceeds to play beethoven, bach, etc… the drunk is severely impressed and asks the guy where he got the little man; he tells him that he found a genie one day in africa and was granted 3 wishes for setting it free from it’s bottle. the drunk asked him what else he wished for and received the answer” nothing; it’s a fucked-up genie”. the drunk asked if he could borrow the genie for a few minutes…the man said no…it’s a fucked-up genie! the drunk pulled out his wallet and offered the man a thousand dollars to let him borrow the genie for five minutes and the man reluctantly agreed with the admonition that it was a fucked-up genie. the drunk walked outside the bar with the genie’s bottle and there came a huge blast of light…the drunk came back in followed by a large flock of baby ducks, looked at the man and said ” you’re right; that is a fucked-up genie…i wished for a million bucks and got a million ducks”!! the man looked at the drunk and said ” i told you it was a fucked-up genie; do you REALLY think i wished for an eight-inch pianist?”

It’s 8 a.m. at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the crap table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on the roll of the dice. The dealers agree.She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I am bottomless.”They both nod yes, and With that she strips naked from the waist down and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of panties!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. “YES! I WIN! I WIN!”She picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll?”The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”

Q.What happens when you throw a rock
into a red sea?

A. It gets wet.

There was these three indians who each were going to hunt for the first time. So the first indian goes off into the horizon and comes back with a rabbit. The others are amazed and ask “how did you catch that rabbit”, the indian replies “me go hunting, me follow tracks, me catch rabbit”. The next day the 2nd indian goes off and give it a try and comes back with a buffalo, the others are astouned by this and ask “how did you catch that buffalo”, and he simply replies,”me go hunt, me follow tracks, me catch buffalo” so the third indian thinks he has what it takes and gives it a try the next day and comes back all fucked up, the others a laughing so hard at him that they wet themselves and ask “how the hell did you get all fucked up like that” and he replies “me go hunt, me follow track, me get hit by train”.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, and turns to the ostrich.

“What’s yours?”

“I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender.

“Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large scotch”, says the man.

“Same for me”, says the ostrich.

“That will be $7.20” says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.”

That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The bartender asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit! and the person who doesn’t get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate’s disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.! ): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole

Q:What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle togehter?

A:A dilldoe!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,…”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

There were 3 guys on this island. They find a magic lamp and rub it. The Genie Comes out and says I’ll grant you each one wish, so the first guy says I want to go home to my wife and my kids. So he goes back home. The second guy says well I also would like to go home to my wife and kids. So he goes back home. The third guy says well I’m not really sure. 20 minutes later he comes back and says I know what I want! I want my 2 friends back!

One day Buddy and Ruddy come upon a genie. The genie says, “You EACH get three wishes.” So Buddy wishes, “I wish for all the beautiful women in the state.” The genie grants that. Then Ruddy says, “I wish for a million dollars.” The genie grants that. Then Buddy wishes, “I want all the beautiful women in the COUNTRY.” The genie grants that.” Then Ruddy wishes, “I would like a Harley Davidson motorcycle.” So the genie grants that. Then Buddy wishes, “I wish for all the women in th WORLD!” The genie hesitates and grants that. Then Ruddy wishes, “I wish that Buddy was a woman.”

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “Yes Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the policeman asked.

“What does it look like?” answered the young man. “I’m reading this magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, “And what is she doing?”

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting.”

“And how old are you?” the officer then asked the young man.

“I’m nineteen,” he replied.

“And how old is she?” asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be sixteen.”

A man walked into a Wendys with his ostrich and ordered a combo #3 and the woman behind the counter asked “Well what about your ostrich?”
The man said “oh, he’ll have a Pepsi”

The woman said “ok that’ll be $7.81”

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly $7.81 in change.

The same thing happened 2 more times. Finially the woman asked “How do you keep pulling out the exact right amount in change??”

The man replied “Well I was cleaning out my attic and i found a lamp i rubbed it and a Genie cam out and offered me 2 wishes and my first wish was to have all the money for everything i wanted.” The woman said “Ok and the ostrich??”

The man said “I wished for a chick with long legs.”