Category: professionals

Two girls asked their mom which side of the creek was best to catch fish for she always caught fish and they caught none. She said when I wake up and your dads pecker is laying to the left I fish the left bank and if it lays to the right I fish the right bank. They both snikared and said what if it stands in the middle she replied. Then there is no time for fishin!

In Colorodo there is a hunting compotiton. 3 men enter it. Each guy gets an hour to catch something.

The first guy comes back with a bear skin the judge asked how did he get that bear the man said he followed the tracks and followed the tracks and found the bear.

The second guy returns with a tiger skin.

The judge asked where did he get that tiger. He answers I followed the tracks and followed the tracks and found the tiger.

The third guy comes back really beaten up and the judge asked how did that happen the hunter replies I got hit by a train the judge asked how he got hit by a train the man replies

I followed the tracks and followed the tracks until I found the train.

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, “Do you live here?”

“No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful,” he answered.

The wife said, “Are you a genie?”

“Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself,” the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes…one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, “Done!”

The genie now said, “For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife.” I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.”

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, “How long have you been married?” to which she responded, “Three years.” The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?” to which she responded, “31 years old.” The genie then asked, “How long has he believed in this genie stuff?”

On little johnny,s 9th birthday his grandpa said” johnny for your birthday i’m finally gonna let you go fishing with me, but you better be ready at 5 tomorrow morning.” so johnny woke up at three and got ready while his mother made him a huge lunch. she put sandwiches, chips, sodas, all kinds of stuff. so johnny waits on the porch, & finally his grandpa pulls up and their off! a couple of hours pass as their on the boat fishing, and johnny heres a can open turns and says “hey grandpa get have some of that beer” his grandpa says “well johnny, does your dick touch your asshole.” johnny says no and granpa says “well then you can’t have none of this beer.” time passes and johnny hears granpa spit so johnny asks “hey granpa, can i have some of that chewin’ tobacca'” grandpa says “well johnny does your dick touch your asshole” johnny says no so grandpa replys “well then you ain’t gettin’none of this tobacca”. well johnny gets hungry and rolls out his huge lunch his mother packed and starts eating, well grandpa sees his lunch and asks “hey johnny, can i get some of that their lunch” johnny says well gandpa does your dick touch your asshole” and grandpa says “well actually it does” so johnny says “good, go fuck yourself cause you ain’t gettin’ none of this lunch!

A guy was fishing in lake near Philadelphia .Sudently he catches a small fish . He felt sorry for it an threw it into the lake .Later , when he went back home and told his wife what he did she said :”It doesn’t matter honey , I will buy one some from the surpermarket “
So she did and then he washed the dishes !

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man cheers, “Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.” Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.” Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues,”Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
“How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”

A poor,old woman sat there on her rocking chair on her porch,reflecting back on her long life. She then spots something on the garden path.She hobbles over to it bends down and groans in pain from a sore back.She picks up the bottle and hobbles back to her rocking chair.She gives the bottle a rub and:
POOF!

A Genie apears and says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle of which I have been trapped for thousands of years!I grant you three wishes.

The Old Woman thought.There was so many things she could wish for!She says”For my first wish,I wish to be a young and beautiful woman again with my life ahead of me!”

The Genie puts a mirror infront of the Old Woman and claps his hands.Suddenly,she watches her body begin to change in the mirror.Her skin tightens and her wrinkles dissapear.Her old figure becomes a new curvy one.Her hair turns from grey to black and lenghthens so it is long.She suddenly feels as if her chest is about to burst out of the top of her dress!She watches as her stomach goes flatter and her legs grow longer.Then the rest of the changes occur.

“Hey Presto” says the Genie.”You are a beautiful young woman!”

The young woman stares in the mirror at her new lavashing beauty and youth and says”Wow this is really exciting!,I look like I’m 24 again!”

The Genie says”Your second wish?”

The young beauty says”All my life I have been poor, please,I wish to be the richest person this universe has seen!”

The Genie claps his hands and the woman watches as her tiny cottage proceeds to grow into the biggest mansion the world has ever seen.The small garden grows until it is massive with big blooming flowers and fountains and right in the middle of the garden there is a 20ft statue of the woman surrounded by fountains.On a driveway she sees that she has three limos each a chauffuer standing next to each one.She goes inside her mansion with the Genie and sees certificates like how she owns Hollywood and bought Microsoft off of Bill Gates!She looks on a table and sees her bank balance.It comes to a total of 6 billion trillion dollars.She notices servants and butlers buzzing about the house.

“Hey Presto!”says the Genie.”Your are the richest woman this universe!”

The young woman sits down on a chair which was hand made by Leonardo Da Vinci.”Wow”,she says”Now that I am beautiful and rich,i suppose that I will have men that only love me for my money and not for who I am.”

Just then the woman’s cat wanders into the room.”This cat has been my lifelong friend.For my third wish,I wish that this cat turn into the most handsome young man on Earth who loves me to bitsfor what I am.”

The Genie claps his hands and dissapears.

Suddenly the old cat turns into the most handsome man on the planet.He has jet black hair and a athletic body with rippling muscles.The woman stares at him, smitten.He walks over to her and her legs go weak.He rubs his hand along her body and stokes her hair.Then he whispers into her ear”I bet your sory now for taking me to the vet and having my d**k cut off”!

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.”The next day there was a hailstorm. “This Indian is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for a week.Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “My radio is broken.”Submitted By: Julia

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic cop from Utah that got arrested?
A: He was handing out IUD’s.

“I’ve been seeing spots in front of my eyes.”

“Have you seen a doctor?”

“No, just spots.”