Category: professionals

Three men were lost inthe jungle and were captured by natives they were about to be killed when they were all asked if they wanted one last thing before they were killed. the first man asked for a beer he got one drank it and was killed the native who killed him says he make good canoe cover. the next man said can i get a fag so he got one smoked it and was killed. the native says ah he also make good canoe cover . finally it was the last mans turn he asked for a fork he tokk it and stabbed himself all over his body filling himself with holes and says to the native youre not making fucking canoe covers out of me

Q:what did the deer say to the man?

A:stop shooting my family bitch

Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A. Unique up on it!

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A. Tame way!

“That’s enough out of you!” said the surgeon as he stitched up the patient.

“I’m in love with you,” the hospital patient told his nurse. “I
don’t want to get well.”

“You won’t,” said the nurse. “The doctor saw you kissing me, and
he’s in love with me too.”

One day this non flying fly was setting on the bank of a stream trying to figure a way across. In the stream was a trout watching the fly, the trout said to himself, if that fly comes down I’ll jump up and eat him. Back in the edge of the woods was a bear watching the trout watching the fly, the bear says to himself, if that trout jumps up I’ll jump down and eat him. A little further back in the woods is a hunter watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the hunter says to himself, if that bear jumps down there I’ll jump up and shoot him. A little further back in the woods is a mouse watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the mouse says to himself if that hunter jumps up to shoot that bear he’ll drop that sandwich and I’ll jump on the sandwich. A little further back in the woods is a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the cat says to himself, if that mouse jumps on that sandwich, i’ll jump on that mouse. Well the fly goes down, the trout jumps up, the bear jumps down, the hunter jumps up and drops his sandwich, the mouse jumps on the sandwich, the cat jumps toward the mouse and misses and falls into the creek and gets wet. So the moral to the story is if the “Fly goes down, the pussy gets wet”.

After his first day working at a department store. The manager walks up to his new sales men and asked him how many sales he had his first day.
The young man proudly answered �One.� The manager replied �only one, well how much was it for�? The young man responded with $39562. Curious the manager asked what he had sold.

He was buying some fishing hooks and I told him that he would probably need some stronger line to go with those hooks. He agreed but before he left I suggested he bought a new rod to go with his new line and hooks. And to my surprise he bought it as well. So I thought I would try to sell him a boat so that he could go out and catch some big fish. After deciding on the boat he realized that his car wouldn�t be able to tow the boat so I showed him the new truck we had and he bought that as well. By the time he had walked out his total was $39562.

The manager said �You are one hell of a sales men a guy comes into buy fishing hooks and you sell him fishing line, a rod, a new boat, and even a truck�.

�No� the clerk said �He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend and I said your weekend is pretty much spoilt you should go fishing!�

A workman who was extremely fond of garlic boarded a bus in a Southern city, and sat himself down next to a haughty, sour-faced woman. She immediately became aware of the garlic fragrance, and observed icily, “It’s a wonder they don’t run a special bus for persons who insist on eating garlic.”

The workman cheerfully answered, “They do lady, you’re on the wrong bus.”

Two gaymen [Bobby and Peter] are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men [Peter] just can’t bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours nonstop. When he’s done, the gorilla throws Peter back out of the cage

. An ambulance is called and Peter is taken away to the hospital.

The next day Bobby visits him in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?”

“AM I HURT?”, Peter shouts, “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written…….”

…With a little help from our friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up!”

…What was plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. (“zero-intelligence” policy).

…Some days, it just doesn’t pay to gnaw through the leather straps!

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month — a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system.”

…The getaway!

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

…Too well educated?

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.”

…Did I say that?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

…Ouch, that smarts!!!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.

…Are we are communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

…Not the sharpest knife in the drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Scene: Pharmacy. Foster is looking at the shelves.
A woman approaches him.

Woman:

Can I help you sir?

Foster:

I’d like to see the registered pharmacist.

Woman:

I’m a registered pharmacist, and so is my sister. We own the store.

Foster:

Well . . . I guess you can help me. I’ve had this tremendous
erection for two weeks and nothing I do will get rid of it.
What can you give me for it?

Woman:

That’s a rather unusual problem. I’ll have to consult with my sister.

(She goes into the back room and returns a few minutes later)

Woman:

How about $5000 and half the business?

Two guys are walking through the forest when one of the guys trips. The other guy calls 911, the operator picks up and asks what his emergancy is. He explains his friend tripped walking through the woods and he doesnt know what to do. The operator tells him to make sure he is dead. The guy says ok and sets the phone down. he walks over to his friend and cocks his gun then shoots. he runs back to the phone and askes what do i do now?