Category: professionals

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla.
The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another.
The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.

Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.

The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, “Somebody has broken into my car.

They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard.”

The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, “I just called about a car that had been broken into.
Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat.”

One day I was fishing in my dad’s boat. He was not with me, so I had to be very careful.

I caught a fish. It pulled me out of the boat. It smacked my face, aginst the water, did that hurt! I could not get back to the boat.

I swam back to the cabin, and boy was my dad

pissed off.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ��My friend is dead! What can I do?�� The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ��Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.�� There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ok, now what?

1. select Bait
2. select hole

3. pull out big rod

4. cast rod in

5. go upstream not down

6. pay for bait when finished

7. leave with chatch

Two hunters were out in the woods, and they were lost and one said “I think were lost”
the other one said “shoot three times into the air and help will come. So they shot and shot until one said “this doesn’t seem to be working an dwere almost out of arrows.

A married couple were golfing in thier front yard. The guy hits two balls and one of them lands in the window across the street. The girl did not notice. She went up to the T and she hit the same window in the same house. The girl felt guilty and said to the husband to get say sorry. They went to the house and knocked on the door, but no one answered, the door just flew open. They made their way up stairs to where their balls had it. When they opened the door a genie-like man was standing there. He said ” When your golf ball hit you hit my lamp and set me free. for this I give you 3 wishes” The man said “I want a mansion” the genie replied “Your mansion is built in your old house” The girl sais ” I want to be richest person alive” The gnie replied ” all of the money you want is in your mansion” For the third wish they wished to be famous. The genie replied ” you are now famous”. The couple was all happy now. They were walking out the genie asked them if he can have something in return for giving them all the nice stuff. The Man said “like what”. ” can I sleep with you life for one night”. The man said yes with no regrets. The guy sat outside for an hour waiting for his wife. When they were finished the Genie said “And you still believe in Genies”?

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting on a barstool drinking a beer and watching a miniature man playing a piano on the bar in front of him. Bewildered, the man asked him where did he get his little friend. The guy said that there was a genie outside the back door granting wishes, so he goes out back and sure enough, there was a genie. He walks up to the genie and says I wish for a thousand bucks. The genie said, “Granted.” The man walks back into the bar and there were ducks flying everywhere. He goes back up to the man at the bar and says “That genie must be deaf, I asked for a thousand bucks, not a thousand ducks.” The man replied, “What did you think I asked for, a twelve inch pianist?”

Three men were traveling in rural America when their car came to grief,
whereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse.

The farmer had two spare beds in the room next to his daughter’s room, but
since he had heard all of those stories he informed the men that one of
them would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a very polite Hindu
mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. A short
time later there was a knock on the door, and, sure enough, there was the
Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there were cows in the barn, and
because of his religious convictions, he didn’t think he could remain there.

A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went. But a short
time later, there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back,
explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite
uncomfortable out there.

Whereupon the third man, a practicing lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the
barn.

In a little while, there was a knock on the door. And when they went to
answer it, sure enough, there were the cows and the pig.

Four women were teeing off to the first hole of their golf game. The
forth woman hit a terrific slice and it zoomed off to the next fairway and
hit a guy. He clasped his hands to his crotch and fell
down in pain.

The girl ran over to him and taking his hands and placing them to his side
said, “I’m a physical therapist and I can
help you.”

She then proceeded to open up his pants and began to massage his private
parts therein. After a few minutes she said, “There! Doesn’t that feel
better?”

The guy said, “Yeah that does feel good. But my thumb still hurts like
hell!

A man was out duck hunting when a cop came drove by and asked him for his ID.
Okay said the hunter.

The cop then grabbed one of the ducks, stuck his finger up the ducks ass, and asked him if he had a liscence to own a California duck.

The man showed him the liscence.

The cop took another ducks ass and shoved his finger up it. He asked the hunter if he had a liscence to hunt Florida duck.

The man showed him his liscence.

The cop finally took the last duck, shoved his finger up the duck’s butt and asked him if he had a liscence to hunt Louisiana duck.

The man showed him the liscence.

The cop calmed down and started to relax. “So, where u from?” the cop asked.

The man bent over. “You tell me,” he said.

Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.

The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.

Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.

There was 2 groundhogs on one side of the road and the one groundhog said I bet the grass on that side of the road would be good.
The little groundhog said just wait a minute and dug a hole under the road to the other side. By that time a old woman stop to take a piss right when the groundhog poped up the old woman pissed on him. He ran to the other side of the road and said you dont want to go over there because it rains so damn hard over there even the birds built there nest upside down.