Category: professionals

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan
for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to property offered as collateral. The title dated back to
1803, and he had to spend three months running it down. After sending the
information to FHA, he got this reply: “We received your letter today enclosing
application for loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. Let us
compliment you on the able manner in which you prepared and presented the
application. However, you have not cleared the title before the year 1802, and
therefore, before final approval can be accorded the application, it will be
necessary that the title be cleared back to that year.”

Annoyed, the lawyer replied: “Your letter regarding titles in Case No.
189156 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have
presented them. I was unaware that any educated man in the world failed to
know that Louisiana was purchased from France in 1803. The title to the land
was acquired by France by right of conquest from Spain. The land came into
possession of Spain by right of discovery made in 1492 by a sailor named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route
to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good Queen, being a pious
woman and careful about titles, almost as much I might say, as the FHA, took
the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope for the voyage before she
sold her jewels to help Columbus. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary
of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, made the
world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part
of the world called Louisiana, and I hope to hell you are satisfied.”

A game warden spots a young lad walking down the street with 30 large catfish in his arms. He stops and asks the young fellow where he managed to catch all those fish. The young boy points and says just over yonder. The game warden says “boy, I’ve been fishing around these parts for years….and I never got those many fish…..can I go fishing with you tomorrow? The boy gladly says yes and asked the warden to join him first thing in the morning by a certain area.
The next morning the warden and the young boy head out. The boy rows the boat out 50 feet and then stops. The warden asks what he was doing and the boy says this is where we are going to fish. The warden says I’ve fished here before and never got many fish. It was then that the little boy pulls a stick of dynamite out of a box, lights it and throws it out into the water. A loud explosion follows and many dead fish float to the surface. The game warden is amazed and angry and says to the boy, that he can’t do that and that he will have to arrest the young lad for fishing that way.

The young lad calmly pulls out another stick of dynamite, lights it, and hands it to the game warden and says…..whatca going to do…bitch about it…..or fish.

After his first day working at a department store. The manager walks up to his new sales men and asked him how many sales he had his first day.

The young man proudly answered ?One.? The manager replied ?only one, well how much was it for?? The young man responded with $39562. Curious the manager asked what he had sold.

He was buying some fishing hooks and I told him that he would probably need some stronger line to go with those hooks. He agreed but before he left I suggested he bought a new rod to go with his new line and hooks. And to my surprise he bought it as well. So I thought I would try to sell him a boat so that he could go out and catch some big fish. After deciding on the boat he realized that his car wouldn?t be able to tow the boat so I showed him the new truck we had and he bought that as well. By the time he had walked out his total was $39562.

The manager said ?you are one hell of a sales men a guy comes into buy fishing hooks and you sell him fishing line, a rod, a new boat, and even a truck?

?No? the clerk said ?He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend and I said your weekend is pretty much shot you should go fishing!?

Once there were 3 hunters. one day, 1 of the hunters comes with a buck. the other 2 ask him,” how did you get that buck?” he replied, ” i followed the tracks, i followed the tracks. bam! i shot a buck.” the next day, another of the hunters came with a doe. the last hunter asked,: how did you get that doe?” ” i followed the tracks, i followed the tracks. bam! i shot a deer!” the next day, the last hunter came back with bumps and bruises. the other 2 hunters ask,” how did you get those bumps and bruises?” he replied, ” i followed the tracks, i followed the tracks. bam! i got hit by a train!”

Overheard on a 747:
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. There is
absolutely nothing to worry about. I repeat there is absolutely nothing
to worry about. Thank you”

There once was a man who wanted to go fishing so he asked his wife if she wanted to go fishing or not and she said NO. So the man said you can either go fishing, take it annal, or give him a blow job. He told her to think about it while he put the dog in the truck. When he came back she said she would give him a blow job. So she did five minutes later she stops and said this tastes like shit. And he said the dog didnt want to go fishing either.

Is awarded to:

Bobby

In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete

asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard

to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and other during your

lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.

To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all

concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status,

JUST BE YOURSELF!

Bill Clinton is walking around in the White House when he stumbles upon a very old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Within seconds, a genie pops out
“I will grant you but one wish” the genie says.

Clinton thinks it over, and says, “I wish for peace in the middle east.”

“Where is that?” the genie asks.

Clinton pulls out a map and points to the mid-east.

“Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how long they’ve been fighting over there? There’s no way I can stop that! Pick another wish instead.”

Clinton thinks it over and says, “I wish that the American people wouldn’t make fun of me and my wife, and that I will be remembered as the best President of all time.”

The genie says, “Let me see that map again.”

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can’t believe it, he yells over ” whats your secret?”

“woogatkakeptewrwm” he answers back.

“what did you say?” replies Bob.

The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob, ” you have to keep your worms warm”.

Did you hear about the psychiatrist who gave his son a set of mental
blocks for Christmas?

Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says, “Hey Doc, you know how
we have been talking about Freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing
one last night.

I was eating dinner with my mother, and
I meant to say, “please pass the salt,” but instead I
said, “You God damn bitch, you ruined my life.”

During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of damn fly is that anyhow. The traffic offender replies, “that’s a circle fly”. The officer replies that he’s never heard of a “circle fly”. The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses ass. Enraged, the police officer says, “are you calling me a horses ass?”, to which the traffic offender replied, “no sir, but you can’t fool a circle fly.