Category: professionals

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Well, beer nuts are about a dollar fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.

A man calls his lawyer and asks: “How much would you charge me to answer
three questions?”

Lawyer: $400.

Man: Jesus, that’s a lot of money isn’t it?

Lawyer: I guess so. What’s your third question?

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. “No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”

“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, “Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions.” The guard nodded and agreed. “Go ahead,” said the guard. The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”

What do you get when you put 50 politicians in a room with 50 lesbians?

– 100 people who don’t do dick!

Two friends are out squirrel hunting whennthey encounter an angry bear. The bear is coming toward them and they know they can’t stop it with their squirrel guns.
The first hunter says “What are you going to do?

The second hunter says “I’m going to run like hell”

The first hunter says “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear!

The second hunter says “I don’t have to outrun that bear. I only have to outrun YOU!

Od Man fishing in the greek to younger man who arrives to start fishing also: “Where yu bin the last week son?”
Young man: “I got me married.”

Old man: “Who’d ya marry son?”

Young man: “I married Mary Lou”.

Old man: “Why she’s so ugly, why d’ya marry her, is she a good cook?”

Young man: “Nope.”

Old man: “Is she good in bed?”

Young man: “Nope.”

Old man: “Is she pregnant?”

Young man: “Nope.”

Old man, still watching his float: Why in tarnation d’you marry her for then Son?”

Young man, baiting his hook: “She’s got the worms.”

An English Literature professor saw a performance of Hamlet in London. During the scene at the end of the third act where Hamlet is verbally berating his mother, the actor portraying Hamlet ripped all his clothes off and stood up straight with full frontal nudity.My professor could not comprehend this interpretation until he was on the plane coming back home to the states. He informed his wife that it was ‘a tribute to Willie’.

1. Economists are armed and dangerous: “Watch out for our invisible hands.”

2. Economists can supply it on demand.

3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.

4. You get to say “trickle down” with a straight face.

5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.

6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.

7. If you rearrange the letters in “ECONOMICS”, you get “COMIC NOSE”.

8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.

9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.

10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is later entered later by a into their database by a clerk.
One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.

“Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?” sheasked.

“Yeth.” lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the clerk entered: “Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.”

Three guys were stranded on an Island. one was named justin, one timmy, and one eric. the men came across a genie’s lamp and wished to go off the island. the genie agreed but said you must bring me one piece of fruit by this time tomarrow. they agreeded and came back with fruit. the first man brought a bananna and the genie said if i can shove this up your ass without you making any noise, you can leave. so the genie started and the man laughed half way up. the genie said “why did you laugh?” the man said it tickled. the second guy, timmy, brought back grapes. the genie started and with one grape left timmy busted up laughing and the genie said “why did you laugh?” and timmy said ” beecuase i just saw eric coming around the corner with a watermelon.

A young man walks into a bar in Alaska. After many drinks, he announces to the whole bar that he is proud to be a new Alaskan. One of the old timers at the bar laughs at him and asks him if he has gone through the
“Ritual” yet. The lad asks what the “ritual” entails. The old timer says,”Well, to be an Alaskan, you have to kill a Polar Bear and fuck an Eskimo.” The young man says that he hasn’t done either yet, so he and the old timer continue to drink heavily together and the old timer answers his questions about the “Ritual”. The young man stands up and wobbles out of the bar drunk as can be.

About four hours later, he struggles back into the bar, all scratched and cut up. He summons all of this strength and shouts out “Where is this damn Eskimo I have to kill?”!

There once was a boy named doda .he had no arms no legs .his friends where scared of doda’s mother, so they had to see who picked the smallest straw to ask doda’s mother if he can go fishing. so when the one boy went to ask, the mother said ok. when they got there doda fell over board so they went home . then they saw the mother and she asked where is doda ,they said doda fell over borad doda doda, doda fell over board doda doda day.