Category: professionals

One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. And she won the lottery!She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, “What should I name my house?” And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house “Butt” Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog “Crack”. One day about a month later she woke up and couldn’t find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn’t find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, “Police please help me I’ve looked all over my Butt but I can’t find my Crack!”

A man and his wife go to their weekend getaway in the mountains where the husband likes to fish and the wife likes to read
the husband came home early one day from fishing and went to bed

the wife decided now would be her chance to go out on the boat and read

so she did

she didn’t know the lake very well so she just layed anchor anywhere and began to read

along came a officer and told her “what are you doing?”

“reading” said the woman

“this is a restricted fishing area”

“but i’m not fishing”

“that may be true but you have all of the equipment so i will have to take you in”

“if you do that i will charge you with rape” the woman says

“but i didn’ touch you”

“this may be true but you have all of the right equipment”

Moral of the story is: never mess with a woman who knows how to read.

Did you here about the lucky fisherman??
He married a gal with WORMS.

ENGINEERS AND ACCOUNTANTS. A novel approach to saving money.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an
accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective
seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and
says, “Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers
on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a
ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed
accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train
departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom
and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.”

A fellow was telling a couple his friends about the tragedy that befell him while scouting the woods that weekend prior to opening of deer season. “I was goin’ through the woods”, he said, “when, turning behind a big tree, I came face to face with a huge grizzly.”…..”Wow!”, said one of the friends, “that must’ve been really scarey”. …”Yeah”, said the man telling the story, “The grizzly reared up like this” (man stands up, raises both hands in front…with hands clawed), “and goes GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Man, I just shit all over myself”!!”….”Well, hell”, says one of the buddies, “I’d shit all over myself, too, if a bear did that to me.”……”No, no,” said the teller, I didn’t mean, then…..I meant, just now…when I reared up and screamed GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR”!

Old Lem, a hillbilly in the eastern Kentucky mountains, rides up to old Charley’s front gate. The gate’s about a quarter mile from Charleys house. Seeing Charley on the front porch, Lem yells, “HEY, CHARLEY….LET’S GO FOX HUNTIN’!!” Charley yells back, “OK, I’LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!!” In a few minutes, Charley rides his mule down to the gate…..dressed from head to foot in his Sunday go to meetin’ best. “What in hell did ye get all dressed up fer to go fox huntin fer?”, asked Lem. “FOX HUNTIN’?”, asked Charley, “I THOUGHT YOU SAID ‘LETS GO FUCK SUMPTHIN!!”

I had a coonhound once that was so well trained that all I had to do was show it a certain size fur stretching board and that hound would go out and tree a coon the exact size of that board.
Well, one day my wifehappened to set the ironing board out on the porch to clean it and I ain’t seen that hound since!

There is a man and he finds out his wife is cheating on him because she isnt getting enough pleasure. He goes to a porno shop and tells him his problem. The man says he has just the thing for him, so he pulls out a box labeled Voo Doo Dick. He says watch this and opens the box and says, “voo doo dick, door!” so it jumps out of the box and start humping the keyhole. The guy buys it and takes it home to his wife. He tells her how to use it and goes to work. Later, his wife wants pleasure so she opens the box and says, “voo doo dick my pussy!” so it starts humping her like crazy. when she gets like 8 orgasms she wants to stop, but she doesnt know how, so she gets in her car and drives to the hospital, and on the way she has another orgasm and swerves all over the road. A police stops her and asks whats wrong, so she says that she has a voo doo dick in her pussy. The policeman says, “yeah right, voo doo dick my ass!”

Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial.

The note said:

“Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.”

The clerk called 9-1-1. She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way.

The judge made a noise.

“I wanted someone from maintenance,” she said.

The trouble was the window blinds on the courtroom’s right side. The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.

Q. How do fish weigh themselves ?

A. With scales!

A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said ‘NIL.’ White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, “Is Nothing Sacred?”

FOUR strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old–who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it