Category: professionals

Top 10 Things Not to say to a Cop when you are PULLED OVER:
10. Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.
9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I can’t find the Honeycomb Hideout!
7. On the way to the station let’s get a twelve pack.
6. You’ll never get those cuffs on me…You Wimp!
5. Come on write the freaking ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn’t your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

And the Number One Thing You Shouldn’t Say to a Cop:

1. I’m surprised you stopped me, Robins Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Once this guy found a magic lamp. He rubbed it 3 times and a genie came out. She said “I will grant you 3 wishes for releasing me.” First, the guy wished for money. He got it. Next, he wished for a new truck. While he was driving along in his new truck, he heard his favorite jingle. He started singing along to it,”Oh, I wish I were an Occar Mayer Weener, that is what I want to be, for if I were an Osc-” POOF! the guy turned into a hot dog.

Two Texas A&M Aggies were out hunting in Central Texas when they encountered a scantily clad young lass lounging against a tree.

?What y?all boys doing?? she inquired.

They (being manly men) responded, ?Well ma?am, we?re huntin? wild game.?

?Well I?m wild, and I?m game!? she replied.

So they shot her.

One day a man was walking down the beach and came upon an old lamp. remembering the stories of how these lamps contain genies, he began to rub it and out popped a genie. the genie,looking annoyed, said “you are the fifth person this month to awaken me and i am tired of granting wishes. i am going to grant you only one wish so make it a good one”.the man pondered for a moment and finally spoke, “i like to travel to hawaii so build me my own personnel bridge there”. the genie, in a bewildered voice said “you must be crazy, it is impossible to build a bridge across the pacific ocean. do you realize how deep the water is? there would be no where to anchor the bridge supports. you must make another wish”.
the man thinks for a few minutes and then turns to the genie and asks “well then, tell me the secret to satisfying women. i want to know how to keep them happy and content”.
the genie looks at the man and says ” do you want that bridge four lanes or six lanes.

George III, having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over. “What’s this?” said his majesty. “The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,” was the answer. “Take it back, take it back,” said the king, laughing; “it will do very well for the next horse you sell.”

A priest, Baptist minister & a rabbi were having lunch when the priest & minister started talking about fishing. “you know, said the rabbi, I should take up fishing. Well, said the priest, come with us. We’re going this afternoon.” They’re out in the boat fishing when suddenly the priest steps out of the boat & walks a few yards away & begins fishing. The rabbi is dumbfounded seeing the priest walk on water. A while later the minister joins the priest.The rabbi is shocked. Finally he thinks, “my faith is as strong as theirs. If they can walk on water so can I. He steps out of the boat & almost drowns. He struggles back in the boat. Soon, he tries again with the same result. The priest looks over at the minister & says, ” ya think we should tell that stupid son of a bitch where the rocks are’?

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork up his ass. He says, “How’d you get a cork up your ass?”
The other guy says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Genie came oozing out. He said, “I am a Genie, I can grant you one wish. And I said, “No Shit!”

Two guys went hunting. The one guy went over to a stump to take a crap. He falls asleep while doing his buisness, and the other guy shoots and guts his deer. For a joke he puts the deer guts under his sleeping buddy. He walks away. Later he comes back just as the guy is pulling his pants back up. He asked him if anything exciting happened and the guy said, “I shit out my intestines so I shoved them back up my ass!”.

One night a guy walked into a bar and sat down next to this guy. He looks over and sees that he has a little piano player playing beautiful music! He asks “where did you get that?” The other guy replies “See that guy at the end of the bar? He’s a geinie, and he’ll grant you a wish!” So the guy calls over to the geinie for a thousand bucks. POOF! All of a sudden a thousand DUCKS flew into the bar. So the guy says to the other guy with the little piano player “I think he has a hearing problem” The guy exclaimed “Do you think I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?!?”

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a proctologist
with poor depth perception.

What is the definition of an engineer?

An engineer is a person who lacks sufficient personality to be a CPA.

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The
problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, “This is
a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected
in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?”

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, “Sir. I would get a
shovel, head for HQ and start digging…”

“You’re not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

“Sir,” said the next butter-bar, “I would fill out a CE work order, making
sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and…”

“You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, “Sir. I would call the First
Sergeant, and say, ‘Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!”

“You’re ready to be promoted!” the Colonel said.