Category: politics

Whats the opposite of eloquent? George W. Bush

16> The President lets you ride on “Air Force One”, if you know what I mean.

15> Boss not only implements “Casual Fridays” but also “Topless Tuesdays.”

14> You’ve just leapfrogged Al Gore in the line of succession.

13> “Oooh, yeah, baby — I’ll make you a White House Secretary… Assistant Chief of Staff… ohhh… Ambassador to Sweden!… Supreme Court Justice!!! Supreme Court Justice!!!”

12> The President has the Secret Service detail your ’91 Taurus.

11> Buddy no longer wastes time sniffing both your crotch and the President’s.

10> After your first “meeting” with “The Boss,” you move up 2 tax brackets.

9> As if national publicity, a $1M movie deal, and $10M in Democratic hush money wasn’t enough, the Paula Jones Foundation for Homely Women has donated $20K to you for a full makeover.

8> You get to sit on Gore’s lap during the State of the Union Address.

7> You know the White House like you know the back of the President’s head.

6> Your per diem is bigger than Peru’s GNP and your only duty is to keep silent.

5> The first lady invites you on a private ski weekend.

4> The Vice President isn’t the only “stiffie” you’ve seen in the White House.

3> Performance review rated you a “10” in the category “Ability to turn-on the president with your hillbilly good looks.”

2> Al Gore’s pulse jumps up to 3 when you pass by.

1> It ain’t Keats, but for Bubba, “Shall I compare thee to a Big Mac” is pretty damn romantic.

One day the Clintons and the Gores are out at dinner and having a really great time, lots of drinks and friendly flirting. Bill Clinton looks out over the table and says, “You know, we’re such good friends, why don’t we swap for one night and make the sex more exciting ?”

They all think it’s a great idea, and they head off to their bedrooms. Suddenly Bill Clinton hears Hillary from the next room screaming uncontrollably with pleasure. He starts to get a little jealous, so he asks, “I wonder what Hillary could be getting that makes her that happy ?”

Then Al Gore, lying next to him says, “I don’t know, but Tipper must be really hot tonight!”

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, “Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else.”

16> Junior’s junior? Not so junior!

15> Can’t “punch the ballot” without help from the Supreme Court.

14> Insists that Laura wear a big yellow hat when they make love, so he can indulge his “Curious” George fantasies.

13> He’s never actually found Laura’s G-spot, but he’s got a team working on it.

12> Knows the proper ratio of BBQ sauce, beer, and crude oil to get just the right lubrication.

11> Actually looks better in Laura’s clothing then she does.

10> Let’s just say he’d would like to change some personal “emissions standards.”

9> The key to wooing women: Make them think you’re a “Compassionate Casanova.”

8> Just like in Florida, he “wins” by punching the wrong hole.

7> Can’t get the job done unless Cheney’s hiding under the bed whispering instructions.

6> “Hey, Laura! It’s ‘lethal injection’ time!”

5> That Justice Thomas is into some *truly* weird shit!

4> Imagines the First Lady is pristine Alaskan wilderness — then drills her.

3> Let’s just say the White House has seen no wood since Al Gore left.

2> Tends to strike a gusher before the well’s been completely drilled, if you catch my drift.

1> Smouldering felon is one hell of an aphrodisiac!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

The powers not delegated to the United States by the
Constitution,
nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states
respectively,
or to the people.

– The Constitution of the United States of America
Amendment 10, 1791

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so strikingly unique that he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: “How much for the bronze rat?” “$12 for the rat, $100 for the story,” says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop.

“Ah ha,” says the owner, “you have come back for the story?”

“No,” says the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican.”

With all due respect, President Clinton was telling the truth when he said he was not having sex with that woman…
Of course he was referring to Hillary!

Do you fancy working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Given up yet?

It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs
9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan “Rock the Vote”

7. Observe the President’s commitment to young people first hand

6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his “subpoena”

4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff

3. Try out JFK’s legendary rocking chair

2. Have president introduce you to his “special investigator”…

… and the number one benefit of a White House internship…

1. Find out what a politician means when he says he’s been polling his constituents!

** All of the following quotes have been attributed to Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C. . . **’The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.”I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.”If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very, very low crime rate.”First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I’m a night owl.”I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where’s Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.”The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.”I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?”People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president’s. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.”The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.”I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600’s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.”What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?”People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn’t break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!”I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.’

Did you hear Clinton doesn’t use bookmarks?

He just bends over and sticks the pages!