Category: politics

What’s Monica Lewinsky’s favorite boxing move?

– “The Low Blow”

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.
Clinton was so thankful that he told each of them, “Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it.”

The first boy says, “I want to go to Disneyland!” “I’ll take you there myself in Air Force One!” exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, “I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan’s.” “I’ll buy them for you myself,” says Bill.

“And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers” the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, “But, son, you don’t look like you are handicapped to me.”

The boy replies, “I’m going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!

As he walked through the pearly gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, “St. Peter, what’s the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?”

St. Peter replied, “The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move.”

“Click.” The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved one minute. “Click.” It moved another minute. “Sam must be into closing a customer right now,” said St. Peter. “The minute hand on his clock moves all day.”

The man continues to look around. “Whose clock is this?” asked the man.

“That clock belongs to the widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.”

The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, “I’ve seen everyone’s clock but President Clinton’s. Where is his clock?”

Saint Peter smiled, “Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan.”

Al Gore was entertaining Joe Leiberman and decided to show off his new home.
Upon entering the bedroom, Joe noticed a very large wooden box with 5 empty beer
cans and about $1500.00 in cash.

Out of curiosity, Joe asked ”AL, I see you’re a beer drinker, I am too! you
see, we DO have something in common”

With a condescending voice, Al quipped, ” yes, of course we do Joe”

Joe then asked ” Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash”

Al gladly told Joe about his new program. ” Joe, since last month, I have
decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the
same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer
and put the can in this box”

”That’s really impressive”, Joe replied, ”only 5 beer cans in a whole
month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from”?

Without missing a beat, Al responded, ”Whenever the box gets full of beer
cans, I take it down to the recycling center, you know how concerned I am about
environmental issues”

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain’t.

Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.

I heard that one of Pat Buchanan’s relatives died at Auschwitz.

Evidently he fell out of the guard tower.

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, and Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That’s $20 million for two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified they couldn’t remember anything.

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens
aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM,
an incident which they say has been covered up by the military.

On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore
was born.

“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job”
–George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

“This is a great day for France!”
–Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral

“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.'”
–George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan.
We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh… setbacks.”
–George Bush

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.”
–Dan Quayle

“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.”
–Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind–or not to have a mind. How true that is.”
–Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

“I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.”–William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.”
–George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me.”
–George Bush

“If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.”
–Ronald Reagan

“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.”
–Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
–Dan Quayle

“Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to succeed.”
–Ronald Reagan

AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn’t have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I’ll put mine up against his any time.

FOREIGN GOOFS

“Bite the wax tadpole.”
— Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

“Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.”
— ad slogan “Pepsi Comes Alive” as originally translated into Chinese

“I am a jelly doughnut”
–English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

“We pray for MacArthur’s erection.”
–sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
–from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

“It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.”
–Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

“I’m not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.”–Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

“Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.”–Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

“Retraction: The ‘Greek Special’ is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused.”
–correction printed in The Daily Californian

“Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!”
–Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

“I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?”
–announcer of children’s radio show “Life With Mother” to her audience

Rep. Bill Schuette (R-MI) recently adcvised constituents not to expect
all their problems to be solved by the federal government. He warned
voters, “Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom.”

We were so poor that even Bill Clinton’s tax plan would’t call us rich.