Category: politics

15> “Hail to the Chief” suspended. Sargent at Arms now simply squeals, “Hello, Gorgeous!”

14> Intense international negotiations conclude with air kisses and “Don’t change, you’re perfect.”

13> Secret service has a dog of a time outfitting their see-through pajamas with Kevlar.

12> Absolutely no doubt for whom Palm Beach County voted.

11> Initiative to have her likeness added to Mt. Rushmore scuttled due to costly biannual face lifts.

10> Her media nickname: Presidentl

9> Incessant bitching and moaning replaces baseball as the national pastime.

8> Solves every international crisis by marrying that country’s most-washed-up actor.

7> Aretha Franklin has to sing Streisand’s State of the Union Speech when she blows it off.

6> Alec Baldwin suddenly has a lot more traveling companions.

5> State of the Union address nominated for a Grammy.

4> Bette Midler put to death.

3> Bill Clinton would be getting some in the Oval Office again.

2> Prospective Cabinet members undone one by one during confirmation hearings when they are forced to admit under oath that they walked out of the theater halfway through “The Mirror Has Two Faces.”

1> After every State of the Union address, Barney Frank approaches the stage with flowers, crying.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s even moving.”
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me, Officer, what’s the hold up?”

The Officer replies, “The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I’m walking round taking up a collection for him.”

“Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”

“So far only about three hundred gallons but I’ve got a lot of folks still siphoning.”

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

“Madam,” said the sales manager, “the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!”

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, “Nelson.” The radio responded, “Ricky or Willie?” She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that’s what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying “On The Road Again” when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

“Idiot!” she yelled and, from the radio, “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.”

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says,

“No hay problema, I’ll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.”

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked – St.Peter is having lunch – and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,

“My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we’re already getting refugees!”

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they
decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank
you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some
reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots
deducted $95.00!

President Clinton was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies
in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
To the blonde he said “I am the President of the United States of America. How
much will it cost me to spend some time with you?”
The blonde replied, “For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500.”
To the Redhead he asked the same question. She replied “I will spend all the
time you want for $1,000.”
When he approached the brunette he asked the same question and she said, “If
you can raise my skirt as high as you’ve raised my taxes, and can get your pants
as low as my wages, and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now, and
screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won’t cost you a damn
thing!”

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses.”

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity.

Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”

Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back.
She yells, ” Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It’s Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned.”

Mr. Lee yells, “Come again”

Monica says, “No, it is gravy this time.”

I read the newspaper today, and boy is those headlines are looking worse and
worse and worse. Why, yesterday, I couldn’t believe my eyes! I could hardly
bring myself to read the darn things. Sigh. I guess it is time I get a good pair
of reading glasses.

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu, the waitress comes over and asks Clinton,
“Are you ready to order?” Clinton replies, “Yes, I’d like a
quickie!”

“A quickie?!?” the waitress replies. “Sir, given the past
situation of your personal life I don’t think that is a good idea.
I’ll come back when you are ready to order from the menu!” She walks
away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, “It’s pronounced Quiche.”

Both Clinton and the Pope die, but there is a mix up. Clinton went to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to process the paperwork and make the switch.The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.Pope: Sorry about the mix up.Clinton: No problem.Pope: I’m really excited about going to heaven.Clinton: Why’s that?Pope: All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.Clinton: You’re a day late.

Two of Bill’s sperm were racing toward the cervix and the first one said,
“How far do you think it is to the fallopian tubes?”

The other one said “It can’t be too far. I think we just passed the
tonsils.”