Category: politics

14> “The main reason I invented the Internet was to distribute my previous invention: pornography!”

13> “Just call me Al, the happy President-to-be who makes jokes and solves political problems.”

12> “I’m so glad to be here in Iowa, because it was here that I invented corn.”

11> “I have here in my pocket today’s Top 5 List.”

10> “Together, let us cross that bridge into the 21st Century built by my worthy predecessor, and open up a can of whup-ass on the blues! Band, hit me one time!”

9> “I gotta tell ya folks… I just got finished inventing the Internet, and boy are my arms tired!”

8> “It’s the economy, Chester!”

7> “Some of my best ideas come to me when I’m driving around your beautiful city of Toledo, listening to the radio.”

6> “People of America, I KISS YOU!!!!!!!”

5> “The world today is at a crossroads; down one path are problems like fleebellism, shwarnicles, and popoputputs; and down the other path are my speech writers who borrow material from the Internet without proofreading it.”

4> “Here’s the thing that puzzles me: I have 4 kids, but Tipper and I have only had sex twice.”

3> “It’s unconscionable that, in this age of high-tech communication, I can’t put on a long, flowing gown, go out to the Rose Garden, run barefoot and writhe around in the grass, just because I feel pretty.”

2> “Four-score and seven years ago… Hey, that reminds me: Did I mention I invented Lincoln Logs?!”

1> “You want excitement? Go to Bosnia.

You want a Chief Executive, come to Daddy.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

there was three guys walking a long a road there was a canadian usuma bin larden and uncel sam.

they came across a lamp and picked it up and rubed it out came a geini it said “you can have 1 wish each for there are three of you and makes a grand totall of 3 wishes”.

so the canadian wishes for all the soil in canada to be firtil and it was and there he was in canada.

then usuma bin larden said “i want you to build a wall around afghanistan so no one can get in or out” the geini granted his wish and he was home with a big wall around afghanistan.

uncle sam was intrested in usama bin larden wish and asked how big is this wall the geini replied “it is 150,000 high and invicebal to all atacks” uncel sam says after a while

“fill it with water”

President Clinton returned from a trip to Arkansas aboard Air Force One.
As he descended the steps, the Marine at the bottom of the steps saluted
and noticed the President was carrying a pig under each arm. “Nice pigs,
sir.” Said the Marine. “I’ll have you know young man,” the President said,
“that these are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks, and I got one for Hillary and
one for Chelsea.” The Marine saluted once more and said, “Excellent trade,
sir.”

* “I Suck At My Job”

* “What Really Goes Down In The White House”

* “How I Blew It In Washington”

* “Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President”

* “Clear and Present Boner”

* “Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule”

* “Going Back for Gore”

* “Podium Girl” * “Secret Services to the President”

* “Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton”

* “Deep Inside The Oval Office”

* “The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions”

* “My Chief of Staff”

* “Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes”

* “How To Beat Off the Government”

* “Going Down and Moving Up”

* “Members of the Cabinet”

* “Me and My Big Mouth”

* “How To Get A Head in Business”

Clinton bumps into a new intern in the hall. He stops, stares at her
a moment and then asks “are you new here?”

The intern replies “Why yes, I am, this is my second day.”

“I thought so,” said Clinton, “I didn’t think I had come across your face
before…”

What do Jerry Springer and Kenneth Starr have in common?

They both start fights between hillbillies and their wives.

The Taliban’s Fall TV Line-up

MONDAYS:
8:00 – “Husseinfeld”
8:30 – “Mad About Everything”
9:00 – “Suddenly Sanctions”
9:30 – “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
10:00 – “Allah McBeal”

TUESDAYS:
8:00 – “Wheel of Terror and Fortune”
8:30 – “The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right”
9:00 – “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
9:30 – “Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
10:00 – “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 – “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
8:30 – “Bowling For Food”
9:00 – “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread”
9:30 – “Just Shoot Everyone”
10:00 – “Veilwatch”

THURSDAYS:
8:00 – “Matima Loves Chachi”
8:30 – “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
9:00 – “Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils”
9:30 – “My Two Baghdads”
10:00 – “Diagnosis: Heresy”

FRIDAYS:
8:00 – “Judge Laden”
8:30 – “Funniest Super 8 Home Movies”
9:00 – “Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare”
9:30 – “Achmeds Creek”
10:00 – “No-witness News”

One of the nation’s largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, “Clinton Soup”, that will honor one of the nation’s most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: “I don’t know, I never had one.”

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?” Bill Clinton replied, “No, some begin with ‘After I’m elected’.”

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is so full of crap he can’t fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Bill Clintons screw interns, not lightbulbs.

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton were traveling together in
the Midwest when a tornado whisked them away to Oz. When they realized
where they were:
Quayle says, “I am going to ask the wizard for a brain.”
Gingrich says, “I am going to ask for a heart.”
Clinton says, “Where’s Dorothy?”

Question: Why should Monica Lewinsky never go to medical school?

Answer: She sucked as an intern!

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s even moving.”
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me, Officer, what’s the hold up?”

The Officer replies, “The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I’m walking round taking up a collection for him.”

“Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”

“So far only about three hundred gallons but I’ve got a lot of folks still siphoning.”