Category: politics

Q: What’s the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

Does Monica Lewinsky have to file an IRS return for her presidental “income”?

If we were playing “Clue” it would be “Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office
with the magic flute.”

What’s the difference between President Clinton and O.J. Simpson?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinsky with Ted Kazinksy?
A dynamite blowjob.

What do you call 8 days in a row of office sex?
Hannukah Lewinsky.

In Kennedy’s time we had Camelot. In Clinton’s we have CAME-A-LOT.

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica’s dress:
“Presidue.”

Did you know that Bill Clinton plans to join Sesame Street after his
presidency is over?
He is going to be called The Nookie Monster!

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton . . .
. . . on a recent airplane flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight
attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before
him. The attendant then asked Mr. Falwell if he too would like a drink.

The Reverend Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, “Madam, I’d rather be savagely
raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips!”
Hearing that, the President handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there was a choice. I’ll have what he’s having.”

“Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door
is locked.”

~ George Stephanopoulos

Q: What’s the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: “Don’t hit your head on the desk.”

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President’s day?
A: All pants half off.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.

Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say “Insert Bill” here.”

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture

Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my tote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Morgan P.S.

Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.

After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Saddam is still alive”, Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn’t figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service… the list got longer and longer. Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Capt.. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: “Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down…”

Q: What’s a conservative?A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Police in Washington, D.C. are passing out flyers, warning citizens that a registered sex offender is living in their neighborhood.

Commentators now say, Monica Lewinsky is holding the precidency in her hands. Coincidentally, that’s what Clinton told her, too.

The Oval Office has been renamed to “The Oral Office”.

Remember the good old days when politicians called Hollywood upon their morals. Well, now Charlie Sheen is going “Shame! Shame!”

Fellow Democrats are coming to Clinton’s aid. Ted Kennedy offered to drive her home.

After the Superbowl there was an awkward moment when the president called to congratulate and John Elway said “What? Al Gore wants to talk to me??”

Monica Lewinsky official title is now “The First Intern”.

Monica Lewinsky plans to take the 5th. It caused only trouble when she opened her mouth the last time.

Remember the girl from the Dorito commercial during the Superbowl, she did a split and caught a dorito with her mouth. Today she was offered an internship at the White House.

Bill Clinton’s latest excuse is, “But I didn’t insert.”

One thing we can all agree on… Bill Cilnton will be remembered as the
President after Bush!