Category: politics

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a slow down in the overall performance,
particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that
had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

********************************************

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to
enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy
Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that
will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO
NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend
Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech! Support

An Irishman arrives at the gates of heaven where he is
confronted by St. Peter.

“What have you been doing while you were down there?” asks St.
Peter

“I was in the IRA” answered the Irishman.

“Oh well you can’t come in here,” St. Peter says

“I’m not trying to get in,” says the Irishman. “I’m giving you
all four minutes to get the fuck out.”

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules can change without notice.
3. Males can’t know the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some of the rules.
5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding which was a direct result of something
that the male did or said which was wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the
misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind.
9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry
or upset.
12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be
angry or upset.
13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.
14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

Scenario: International Summit in Paris.
Those attending: Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican
President)

The waiter asked, ” Le apperitive?”
All of them answered, “Oui!”

The waiter looked at Zedillo, “Le tequila?”
Zedillo: “Oui!”

The waiter looked at Yeltsin, “Le vodka?”
Yeltsin: “oui!”

Finally, the waiter looked at Clinton, ” Le whisky?”
Clinton: “Don’t you dare mention that bitch!”

• If you loathe backseat drivers – use the ejection seat.
• Women will sleep with you no matter what their race, color, creed, religious belief, marital status or sexual preference. Even if you treat them like dirt or have killed their husbands, fathers etc, they will still sleep with you in the end.
• The British Government has better resources than the Americans.
• All Russians are incompetent idiots, unless they are good-looking.
• Bad guys only operate in exotic locales like Vienna or the Bahamas – never a place like Nebraska or Cleveland.
• Evil genius have two henchmen- one with all brains and no brawn, and one with all brawn and no brains.
• No matter how many crack troops you are up against, you will never be hit by a bullet, minor scratches are the most you’ll get.
• The wilder the car chase, the lesser the chance of messing up your hair.
• The wilder the car chase the lesser the chance of red lights or pedestrians stopping you – let alone the Police.
• Spies always use dumb code phrases.
• You will never lose in a casino, no matter how crooked it is.
• Money is not a problem.
• Use one-liners wherever possible including the middle of a car chase, when you are just about to shoot someone, when someone is just about to shoot you, when you are about to use a gadget, before you have sex, etc.
• It is perfectly OK to drive a tank through St. Petersburg and catch up with a speeding motor car.
• Hit on the boss secretary at all times.
• 0 year-olds can still head up a government department whose sole purpose is to invent new gadgets for the modern spy.
• You will always be told the evil plan BEFORE you are supposed to die.
• Always have a Union Jack parachute handy.
• Be a chauvinist pig at all times, women will sleep with you anyway (see above)
• Everybody of Eastern descent does martial arts like Jackie Chan.
• There is no modern buildings in communist countries.
• Always kill the evil genius last (or second to last).

Q: What would happen if Clinton took Viagra?
A: He’d get taller

“Carter is no longer the worst U.S. President”

Did you hear that Clinton wants to change the national bird?

He wants to change it to the Swallow.

When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied “I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade.”

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in l846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in l946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in l860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in l960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in l908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by the there three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named “Kennedy”
Kennedy was shot in a car called “Lincoln”.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Subject: The Letter Bush Will Not Write…

To: Premier Dung

From: President Bush

The United States is truly sorry that your nation is not capable of training your pilots to fly without striking other aircraft. We are also sorry that you people lack the honor to respect the international laws governing collision avoidance between aircraft when flying in international airspace.

We further regret that you cannot be trusted to respect the integrity of sovereign aircraft forced to land on your soil after your inept pilot forced a collision. We truly regret the state of incompetence demonstrated by the People’s Dictatorship of China.

That being said, you are holding our servicemen hostage, illegally. You are holding our aircraft, illegally. I am sorry to inform you that all your Ambassadors, aides, businessmen, and students currently residing in the United States will have their visas revoked at midnight tonight.

I am also sorry to inform you that all Chinese assets in the United States are frozen. I am sorry to inform Beanie Baby collectors that all imports from the PDC will be halted. All foreign aid monies to the PDC and all IMF etc., funds are cancelled.

I am not sorry to announce, however, that sales of advanced technology military equipment to the Republic of Taiwan will be accelerated. Nor am I sorry to announce that two additional carrier battle groups will be assigned to patrol the waters off the coasts of the PDC. I’m sure I can think of more things to do if I don’t have my airmen and airplane returned by midnight, tonight.

Your friend,

George W. Bush