Category: politics

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore’s life?A: Grade six.

Q. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table… then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father’s plan was: “If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.”

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality …then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: “Darn, it’s even worse than I could ever have imagined.. ” “Our son is going to be a politician!”

The reason Democrats have more babies than Republicans is because have you ever heard of someone getting a nice piece of elephant ??

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?A: To meet the chick.

Don’t blame me! I voted Libertarian!

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in.” says the Republican.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the Republican head of state.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: “Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

15> The book Bill pretended to read while waiting for Hillary to fall asleep

14> The Clinton Papers: Bambu and EZ Wider

13> The beer goggles Bubba wore when he hit on Paula Jones

12> Rejection letter from the McDonald’s Corporation concerning the President’s suggestion for “toy pardons” in Happy Meals

11> His star-shaped shades, high-heeled boots and multi-colored wig from the P-Funk days

10> Autographed up-skirt 8×10 of Stevie Nicks

9> The $60 million dry cleaning bill

8> The Official Presidential Oval Office Wet-Nap Dispenser

7> Five bomb-proof underground levels of grade A, high-octane porn

6> The Rush Limbaugh Exploding Head

5> Pantless Animatronic Clinton that “salutes” female guests

4> George Stephanopolous’s booster seat

3> Scale model White House ice sculpture, kept cold by the glacial stare from Hillary’s portrait

2> Interactive “Write Your Own Pardon For $10” kiosk

1> Al Gore’s dashed presidential hopes

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. Chelsea.

Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went to the bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out.Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to Clinton and took his out.Clinton looked down and said “Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you get such a big cock?” Jessie said “Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick on the bed post four times, as hard as I can”.Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton went home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so he whipped little willie out and slapped it real hard four times against the bed post. At that time, Hillery said “Is that you Jessie?”

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Republican?

A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won’t do.

NEWS FLASH – GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

“Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.”