Category: politics

Politics: It all really just boils down to this:
Issue:

Criminals:
Democrats: Give them a Republicans: Give them the swift

The poor:
Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift

End Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift

Dictators:
Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift

The uninsured:
Democrats: Give t Republicans: Give them the swift

*The cost:
Democrats: $9,000,000, Republicans: $29.95

The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too little of either.

1. Impeach-Mint
2. Big Banana Blast
3. Hyperactive Nuts
4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
5. Pantstachio
6. Subpeona Colada
7. Peppermint Fattie
8. Captain Cream
9. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Cherry Swirl
10. Rocky Road Ahead

Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.

“There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy’s head who wears Bounty on his head.”
� Jay Leno

“We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.”
� David Letterman

“It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden’s organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard.”
� David Letterman

“There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We’ll taste your food, you check our mail.”
� Jay Leno

“People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we’re finished fighting there. I’m sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan.”
� Jay Leno

“Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is ‘Waldo.”
� Jay Leno

“We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait ’til we deliver his mid-life crisis.”
� Jay Leno

“There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.”
� Jay Leno

The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together about
what a penis is called in their native languages.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman because it
stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot because you
never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain because it goes down
after the act.

Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor because it goes
from mouth to mouth.

Q: How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?

A: Insert Bill here.

Acute – opposite of an ugly

Artery – the study of paintings

Bacteria – back door of a cafeteria

Barium – what doctors do to patients

Benign – what you are after you’re 8.

Bowel – letter like A,E,I,O, or U

Cat Scan – searching for a kitty

Cauterize – made eye contact with her

Cesarean Section – neighborhood in Rome

Colic – a sheep dog

Concussion – a prisoner’s sofa

Congenital – to be friendly

D & C – where the White House is

Dilate – to live too long

Enema – not a friend

Fester – quicker

Fibula – a small lie

Genital – not a Jew

GI series – a soldier ball game

Hangnail – a coat hook

Hospital – a prostitute ejecting saliva

Impotent – distinguished, well known

Jaundice – to include in a group

Kinesthetics – relationships among relatives

Labor Pain – getting hurt at work

Leper – a wild cat

Malaria – shopping place

Medical Staff – a doctor’s cane

Morbid – a higher bid

Nitrates – cheaper than day rates

Node – was aware of

Outpatient – a person who fainted

Pap Smear – a fatherhood test

Pelvis – a cousin of Elvis

Post-operative – a letter carrier

Prostate – flat on your back

Recovery Room – a place used for upholstery work.

Rectum – dang near killed ’em

Rheumatic – amorous

Secretion – hiding something

Seizure – a Roman emperor

Serology – study of English Knighthood

Tablet – a small table

Terminal Illness………getting sick at the airport

Tumor – more than one

Urinate – two steps short of a perfect “10”.

Urine – opposite of you’re out

Varicose – nearby

Vein – conceited

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you.
I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are
evil and expensive. It’s only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my
responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to
expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year
and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put
her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their
returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her
mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is
going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for
that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a
truck. It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to
drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses
all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite
relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you
reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem?
Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself
one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three
in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends
were TP’ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS
office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with
it. You’ll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I’ll take care of filing your phone
number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful
when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with
girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatable, vehicles, or telephones. (They find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic
one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad
trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that
look like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset
the pinch of her remedial reading courses. “Hooked On Phonics” is expensive, so
the schools dropped it. But here’s the good news! You can buy it yourself for
half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It’s quite obvious
that we were terrible parents ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most
people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girls/boys in the hood/ reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends
her to a speech pathologist that has her roll her r’s. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and
wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with
tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck
when you come to get her, she sort of “nests” in her room and I think that it
would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made
of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to
pick which two you would take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will
still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, but then I am free! If you take the
two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won’t feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the
$395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

“Paula Jones….Close But NO CIGAR!!”

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

What do you call Monica Luinske’s Lips?

7-11 ,Because they never close.

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: “Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side.”

Bush interrupted, “Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?”

The doctor replied, “That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left.”