Category: politics

The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich’s To-Do List

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13. Bribe college officials into letting me teach an ethics class.

12. Before turning in House MasterCard, book first class tickets for urgent fact-finding mission to Tahiti.

11. 1) Borrow another $300,000 from Bob Dole

2) Go to The Gap

3) Buy Trans Am

4) Grow goatee

5) Hire interns.

10. Switch to new, cooler nickname: “Salamander”

9. Now that I’ve got some time, put flowers on first wife’s grave.

8. Nothing out of the ordinary: Write a few articles, make a couple of luncheon speeches, do some needlepoint.

7. Dismantle social programs: Done. Restructure tax laws to further benefit the wealthy: Done. Have democratically-elected President impeached for getting some: …Damn!

6. Put a stop payment on most recent check to Paula Jones.

5. Retain lawyer for breach of contract suit against Satan.

4. Promote newest book: “Quitting for Dummies”

3. Reduce dosage of mean-bastard pills.

2. Call Limbaugh and Buchanan about “3 Windbags” mega-tour.

1. Tell Democrats that their lips “can make a contract with my ass.”

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Linda Tripp and and Ken

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Linda Tripp and and Ken Starr were cruising along a country road one
evening when a cow ran in front of the car. Ken tried to avoid it but
couldn’t.

The cow was killed.

Linda told Ken to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
happened. About an hour later he staggered back to the car with his
clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a
cigar in the other and smiling happily.

“What happened?” asked Linda.

“Well,” Ken shyly replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me
the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Linda.

The driver replied: “That I was giving Linda Tripp a ride, and I just
killed the cow.”

The Lord spoke to Noah

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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, ”In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. ”OK,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, ”I’m your man.”

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

”Noah!” shouted the Lord, ”Where is My ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

”Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. ”I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

”My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so no owls.

”Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

”Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

”Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. ”You mean you are not going to destroy the world?” he asked hopefully.

”No,” said the Lord. ”The government already has.”

Osama bin Genie

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While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle

On a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said “Master, may I grant you one wish?”

“You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me anything” barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.”

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said “Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !”

The annoyed genie said, “So be it !” and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.