Category: politics

If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?

Q: What’s a word for Clintons ’92 campaignA: A snow job.

Capitalism, Socialism, and Communism have a meeting for tea at noon.

Capitalism and Communism arrive on time, but Socialism is nowhere to be found. Finally he arrives, out of breath and apologetic.

“I’m sorry,” says Socialism, “I was standing in line for sausage.”
Capitalism says – “What’s a line?”
And Communism says – “What’s a sausage?”

I am Starr. Starr I are.
I’m a brilliant barri-star.
I’m here to ask, as you’ll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?

I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join …. even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?

That is it; you’ve gone too far!
I do not like you, Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I’ll start a war!
The public’s easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!

The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House
window and sees “The President Sucks” written in the snow in urine.
Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found.
Later that day the FBI agents return. “Well sir,” says the first
agent, “the urine has been analysed and it’s the Vice President’s”.
The President goes purple with rage and shouts, “Is that all?”
“Well no sir,” says the agent, “It’s the First Lady’s handwriting.”

There are more jokes like this at http://www.jokedepot.com

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.

ARTICLE VII

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness — which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador

15> “Bush had some face time with the Minority Whip last night.”

14> “The President worked late into the night, pausing only to eat rice.”

13> “Contrary to reports he’s blowing off environmentalists, the president enjoys exploring deep into our interior.”

12> “Ideas are important — and the First Lady sure has a couple of big ones.”

11> “As for the budget, the Bush trimmings will leave many hardliners excited.”

10> “Dick’s staff has right behind Colin during this painful ordeal.”

9> “Boy Scout troop 547 got to see Bush in the Oval Office today.”

8> “The naturally curious President has pushed NASA to probe Uranus.”

7> “…and I want to give it to the American people, because they’ve earned it!”

6> “The President’s staff eagerly acknowledged the First Lady’s return.”

5> “Thank you all for coming.”

4> “The President debriefed his staff this morning.”

3> “According to the First Lady, the President still doesn’t know the precise location of the little red button.”

2> “Steady growth in the private sector is crucial to our plans to penetrate abroad.”

1> “Loud opposition was shown by Putin during the President’s speech.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND
BREAKAWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND

The White House — President Clinton announced today that an all out bombing
offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is
ratified by England and its breakaway province of Northern Ireland. Along with
liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British culinary
institutes would be fair game for bombing. After the attack, NATO peace keeping
troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and
without the threat of attack.

“Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided
to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world,” he
said in a prepared statement.

A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton
administration would intervene in the following areas:

Week one — Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and to destroy the
legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.

Week two — Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds. Oh yeah,
let us not forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.

Week three — Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus
from killing Tutsis.

Week four — Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem,
and end the argument over whether Socrates was actually homosexual or not.

Week five — Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also to shut up the
people at PETA because one target would be the bull fighting rings.

Week six — Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.

Week seven — Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.

Week eight — Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that they were
bullied.

Week nine — Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing to use
deodorant and razors.

Week ten — Bombing of Washington, DC to free the Confederate of Southern
States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more Senate seats for Hillary
to possibly run for.

Week eleven — Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might finally be
recognized as a “real” state.

“This schedule will do until we can come up with others,” said Madeline
Albright, Secretary of State. When asked whether or not the US would bomb
Beijing in order to free Tibet she responded, “Something that practical would
never be on a military agenda.”

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words
Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners. Entry # 1 There
once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky ‘Twas “Hail
to the Chief” on this flute made of beef that stole the front page from
Kaczynski. Entry # 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don’t want to
leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use the hem of your
dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. Entry # 3 Lewinsky and Clinton
have shown what Kaczynski must surely have known: that an intern is better than
a bomb in a letter given the choice of how to be blown.

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference
and announced that they had a very successful conference and had
agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.

When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: “The Ten
commandments.”

You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”