Category: politics

The president has declared war on alcohol.

He wants everyone to go out and kill a fifth.

Now stories in DC are rife,
With rumors of Bill�s private life.
Trouble is brewing.
He won�t stop his screwing,
And none of it�s with his dear wife.

They say that his member is bent.
Such talk of the President!!
But none can agree
To what degree,
And in which direction it went.

If you�ve ever seen Hillary�s pan,
It�s hard to place blame on the man.
But as to his member,
She cannot remember.
It�s never been part of her plan.

For the Pres. oral was preferential.
The scene didn�t look presidential,
The Chief was quite pleased,
To have the Aide on her knees,
In a shot that would prove consequential.

Old Bill had his hand on her head.
He looked in her eyes and he said,
“I feel like a winner,
And not a real sinner.
Can you sing me a song while you�re fed.”

She nodded and broke into song.
She sang like nothing was wrong,
In a spectacular manner,
The Star Spangled Banner,
While keeping both lips on his dong.

And then there�s the stain on the dress,
That�s put Bill under some stress.
Should he deny it,
The facts sure imply it,
Her mouth couldn�t hold the excess.

Or was it a whole different matter?
Dismissed as being tabloid tatter,
Was the president wearing,
The dress she was sharing,
Cross-dressing while spilling his batter?

For an intern she�s a hell of a girl.
Bill told her, “it�s only a whirl,
And I�ll never confess,
to this whole nasty mess,
If ever your lips do unfurl.”

Now Slick is a real miracle man.
The polls show if anyone can,
He can stick it in double,
And come out of trouble,
It�s a Right Wing conspiracy plan.

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked.

“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered.

Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.

“Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses,
papers,
and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall
not be
violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause,
supported
by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to
be
searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

– The Constitution of the United States of America
Amendment 4, 1791

Clinton wants to open a chain of cigar shops after he leaves office.

He is going to call them, “Poke Em and Smoke Em”.

20> “Wake up, America! It’s time for Morning Drive-By with your host, Chuck Heston!”

19> “And here’s our number one song for an amazing 22nd week in a row: ‘Happiness is a Warm Gun’!”

18> “Caller, can you speak up? You’re getting drowned out by the noise from the black helicopters.”

17> “And now let’s hear from the gun control proponent who has been waiting on hold for 5 days….”

16> “Let’s face facts, people: No matter how you stand on gun control, when you become the commander-in-chief of the military, you become a licensed gun owner.”

15> “Go ahead, FCC… make our day.”

14> “Here’s a reminder from the traffic center: Carpool lanes are to be used only by drivers who have someone riding shotgun.”

13> “Here’s Woody Stockton, with the widest selection of wood stocks in stock in Stockman Woods County. Woody?”

12> “And now the news, brought to you today by Soldier of Fortune Magazine.”

11> “That was Aerosmith & Wesson with ‘Janie’s Got a Gun, Which Is Her Constitutionally Protected Right.'”

10> “Don’t touch that dial, you damned dirty ape!”

9> “Stay tuned. Up next is 50 Cent with ‘In Da Club.’ We don’t normally play rap, but hey, this guy’s been shot nine times. He’s living proof of what we’ve been saying all along: Guns *don’t* kill people.”

8> “Now, let’s go back to NRAdio’s most popular news program, ‘All Things Obliterated.'”

7> “Hi, Larry. Long time shooter, first time killer. Hey, I’m thinkin’ that maybe we should take the term ‘bleeding heart liberal’ just a little bit more literally.”

6> “We’re here live at the Plug-a-Pest for Jesus Invitational, where this year’s ‘guest’ is Michael Moore!”

5> “Calm down, caller, and let’s go through our checklist… Number one: Was the other hunter approaching you in a threatening manner?”

4> “That little gem was ‘I Shot the Sheriff — and the Deputy, the Warden, a Couple of Guards, a Meter Maid, a Vending Machine, Three or Four Plants….'”

3> “And here comes another Ted Nugent rock block… Holy crap! How many albums did Ted record?”

2> “Bud Light salutes you, Mr. Gun-Toting Bambi-Killer.”

1> “Here’s a long-distance dedication from Mike of Idaho. He writes, ‘Dear Casey, could you play LL Cool J’s ‘One Shot at Love’ for my girlfriend, Denise, who broke up with me last week after I shot her ’cause I thought she was a burglar’?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada’s IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

“Let me tell you a story,” replied the Priest. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!”

“Simple”, replied the Priest…”It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

One christmas mourning Hillary Clinton looked out her window to find someone wrote Hillary sucks in pee on the snow.
So she called the police and they told her they would do tests.

The following week the police chief came back and said that he had bad news and worse news. The bad news is it is Bill’s urine and the worse news is it is Monica’s hand writing.

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through
Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington
Monument, looks up and says, “George, you were always wise, what should I do?”
Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, “ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND
START OVER.”
Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he’ll try it
again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to
Americas author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early
philosophers. “Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to
rally people behind me?” Again a voice from above answers, “WELFARE, IT’S NOT
WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER.”
After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the
historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance
from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and
keeping the country unified. “Abe, I need your help, people are losing
confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?” After a
substantial pause Abe responds, “TAKE THE DAY OFF, GO TO THE THEATER.”

If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?