a irishman went to a beach in Austarlia but he never seemed to make it with any girls so he decided to ask the local lifeguard for help.” how do i get all the girls to be attracted to me”? asked the irishman.”well” said the lifeguard.” go and buy a pair of speedos 2 sizes to small and put a fist sized potato inside them. so the next day the irishman came back with his speedos and his potato. every body stared and laughed at him. so the irishman decided to ask the lifeguard why everyone was looking at him. whilst laughing the lifeguard said. ” you are supposed to put the potato in the front not the back”!!!
Category: politics
For swallowing her little brother!
Ma Bell will now be adding a new tax to Clinton’s telephone – a luxary tax!
Little Caesers is changing their name to “Little Pleasers” and with every
pizza ordered you get a big cigar!
Monica is opening a pizza parlor and calling it the Home Of The Pizza Slut!
Clinton’s new anti-tobacco message: “Don’t put that cigar in your mouth, you
don’t know where it has been!!”
Do you know what BITCH means?
Bill’s In Trouble Call Hillary!
They finally found proper grounds for impeaching President Clinton. They found
out the cigar was a Cuban.
Just recently Monica applied to be a Doctor, but she was quickly denied after
they found out that she had sucked as an intern!
For those of you who are interested in the REAL reason that Ken Starr and the
Republicans are out to get Bill Clinton, it is because: The Republicans are
jealous of the sexual activities of the DEMOCRATS. After all, who ever heard of
a GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT!
Did you hear that Chelsea is suing Monica?
For swallowing her little brother!
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?A: Socialism is dead.
Women and Children 1st!!
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: “Women and children first.”
Nixon goes: “Fuck the women.”
Clinton: “Do you think we have time?”
The Top 15 Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect
15> It seems pretty far-fetched to classify a 7-Eleven as an “enemy stronghold.”
14> Amount of new messages always seems to increase just after dinner at a local Chinese restaurant.
13> The person calling into headquarters claims to be “Major Dick,” then breaks down giggling.
12> They’ve just proudly informed you that they’re closing in on Saddam Hussein.
11> “It appears to be the work of Ali al-Plisskin.” “Al-Plisskin? I thought he was dead!”
10> Field maneuvers identification manual AHG-412, “Ass vs. Hole in Ground: Distinguishing Characteristics,” clocks in at over 400 pages.
9> The latest report from Afghanistan: Osama bin Laden is hiding in the conservatory with a candlestick.
8> The map of Iraq you’ve been handed shows a large orc settlement just north of Baghdad.
7> Sealed dossier clearly marked “CONFIDENTIAL,” “CLASSIFIED,” “FOR YOUR EYES ONLY,” “SWAK” and “XOXOXO.”
6> The CIA just obtained a purchase order for 500 pair of flame-retardant pants.
5> Latest high-definition satellite photos of the insurgent stronghold Samarra show clearly-defined subdivisions of Main Street, Fantasyland, Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Frontierland and New Orleans Square.
4> They report “increased dental chatter” during periods of very cold weather.
3> Recon photos of alleged foreign operative “Jaylo Butay” are regularly found in insecure locations such as bathrooms and barracks.
2> Hidden somewhere in every report: “olin-Cay owell-Pay is an ussy-pay.”
1> The latest U.N. weapons inspectors’ discovery confirms military intelligence’s worst fear: oxymoronium.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Politically Correct Alphabet
A is an activist itching to fight.
B is a beast with its animal rights.
C was a cripple (now differently abled).
D is a Drunk who is “liquor-enabled.”
E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.
F was a Forrester, now staffing McDonald’s.
G is a Glutton who says he’s “food-centered.”
H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.
I is an “Ism” (you’d better believe it).
J is a Jingoist – love it or leave it!
K is a Kettle the pot can’t call black.
L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.
M is a Mindset with bias galore.
N was a Negro, but not anymore.
O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.
P is the Patriarchy (see “O” above).
Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.
R is the Reasoning done by a mob.
S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.
T is a Teapot that’s brewing a tempest.
U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.
V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.
W is for “Woman,” however it’s spelled.
X is a chromosome we share in our cells.
Y is a Yogi for the easily led.
Z is a Zombie, the differently dead
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?A: When Hillary leaves town.
Smart Dogs
Four friends were arguing over whose dog was smartest. The first man, an
engineer, called his dog, “T square, show your stuff.” The dog trotted
over to a desk, pulled out paper and pencil, and drew a perfect triangle.
The next guy, an accountant, called his dog, “Slide Rule, go ahead.” The
canine went into the kitchen, nibbled open a bag of cookies and divided
the contents into four equal piles.
The next man, a chemist, bekoned his dog, to show what he could do. The
dog went to the fridge , took out a litre of milk and poured exactly 250
mililitres into a measuring cup.
The last man was a government worker. “Coffee Break,” he hollered to his
dog, “Go to it.” With that the dog jumped to his feet, soiled the paper,
ate the cookies and drank the milk.
True Football Fan
Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting
my favorite team. My seat wasn’t the greatest, so when I
noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I
headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if
the seat was taken. He replied, “No”.
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the
seat I was in. He said, “My wife use to love to come to
these games until she died.”
“Why didn’t you give this seat away to a friend?” I asked.
He replied, “Because they are all at her funeral.”
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California’s third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally…. Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 “chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
Lawyers
what do you get when 10,000 lawyers are at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
Let’s Get Technical
In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and
approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven…
“And who might you be?” inquires St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill
Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader
of the Free World.”
“Oh…Mr……. President! What may I do for you?” asks St.
Peter. “I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.
“Sure,” says the Saint. “But first, you have to confess your
sins. What bad things have you done in your life?”
Clinton bites his lip and answers, “Well, I tried marijuana, but
you can’t call it ‘dope-smoking’ because I didn’t inhale. There
were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can’t
call it ‘adultery’ because I didn’t have full ‘sexual
relations.’ And I made some statements that were misleading, but
legally accurate, but you can’t call it ‘bearing false witness’
because, as far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard of
perjury.”
With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and
declares, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot,
but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there indefinitely, but
we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And when you enter, you don’t have
to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to
freeze over.”