Category: politics

Did you see Monica Lewinsky had an advertisement with a white ring around
her mouth?

It said, “Not Milk”

The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected President.

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House.

Bill and Monica are sneeking out of the office to go out to eat.

What did Bill order for Monica to eat?
Head cheese.

What did Monica order for Bill to eat?
Cream cheese.

18> Announce that I’m finally ready to comply with those pesky U.N. resolutions.

17> Inform minister of information that yes, the United States has indeed captured the Baghdad airport.

16> Add “2003 World Hide ‘n’ Seek Silver Medal Winner” to resume.

15> Find out if Hallmark makes a “Sorry I Tortured and Slaughtered the Nation!” card.

14> Call the Hell Hilton and book the Pol Pot suite.

13> Offer to dedicate my life to helping O.J. find the real killers if they let me free.

12> Start working on a shiv of mass destruction.

11> Trade all-nude version of Iraqi card deck for some smokes.

10> Stage food fight in cafeteria to distract guards, then walk out via front door.

9> Eat map showing location of my secret cache of victory-parade balloons.

8> Call Osama: Cancel “Trading Spaces” offer.

7> Aha, Mr. Rubik, your cursed cube may have beaten me these past six months — but now that I have ample time to focus on this task, the advantage is clearly mine!

6> Award Halliburton a no-bid contract to shave my beard.

5> Practice saying with a wacky accent: “Who sane! Who sane? Not me, baby!”

4> Create a statue of myself out of soap.

3> “Dear Forum: I never thought I’d be writing to you, but when the cover to my hiding place opened, I found myself staring into the most gorgeous blue eyes in camouflage I’ve ever seen….”

2> Luxuriate in the cleanliness and roominess of my new prison cell.

1> Ask Bush family if they want to go best two out of three.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, “What’s politics?”

Dad says, “Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way.” I’m the
breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me “Capitalism.” Your Mom is the
administrator of the household, so we’ll call her “The Government.”
We’re here to take care of YOUR needs so we’ll call you “The People.” The
nanny works hard all day for very little money so, we’ll consider her “The
Working Class.” And your baby brother . . . we’ll call him “The Future.”

Now, think about that and see if it makes sense. So, the little boy goes off
to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said. Later that night he hears his
baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He
gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good, son, tell me in
your own words what you think politics is about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future
stinks to high heaven.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a
sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s
field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He
then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the
local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the
politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then
asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?” The old farmer replied, “Well, some
of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

The history teacher announced that the students who could tell her the
source of the following famous quotes would be allowed to go home early.
“The first quote is: ‘Four score and seven years ago…'”

Cathy raised her and and answered “Abe Lincoln”.

“Very good Cathy, you may go home,” said the teacher. “The next quote is
‘Give me liberty or
give me…”

Jane raised her hand and blurted out “Patrick Henry.”

“Very good Jane, you may also leave.”

Meanwhile a boy had his hand up in the back
of the room the whole time and the teacher never acknowledged him and she
said that would be all for the day. She proceeded to write something on
the board when the boy said “Stupid Bitches (women) if it weren’t for them
none of this ever would’ve happened” The teacher turned around and said
“Who said that!” The boy blurts out “Bill Clinton now can I go
home!”

George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign: “I want to make sure
everybody who has a job wants a job”
Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral: “This is a great
day for France!”
George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students: “Now, like, I’m
President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White
House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would
say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.'”
George Bush: “For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President
Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex …
uh…setbacks.”
Dan Quayle: “I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy. But that could change.”
Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989: “Hawaii has always been a very
pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United
States that is an island that is right here.”
Dan Quayle addressing the United white College Fund: “What a waste it is to
lose one’s mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is.”
William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address: “I am honored today to begin
my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.”
George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline: “The caribou love it. They rub against it
and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a
stick at.”
George Bush: “I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism.
This is what drives me.”

Bush is so stupid he thought the report on Iraq (pronounced in texas as:
“A-rak”)was a dirty mag leftover from Clinton’s term.

Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle classPresident Bill Clinton: Wants to raise themCandidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social SecurityPresident Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefitsCandidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cutsPresident Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increasesCandidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxesPresident Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billionCandidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cutsPresident Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts