Category: politics

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”? Again, no response except from Suzuki. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.” he heard a loud whisper: “Fuck the Japs.”

“Who said that?” she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.” At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.” Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re fucked.”

Suzuki said, “The Taliban! 2001”

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?A: No one died in Watergate.

Newt Gingrich, George Bush and Ted Kennedy are enjoying a relaxing sea
cruise when their ship hits an iceburg and begins to sink. They rush to
the life boats.
George says, “Women and children first!”
Newt says, “Fuck the women and children!”
Ted cautiously looks both ways and says, “Can we do that?”

After Bill Clinton Dies he goes directly to Hell. Upon arriving he is met by Satan, who informs him that Hell is currently full but since he REALLY deserves to be there, they will make special arrangements by letting someone else leave to make room for Bill. And, as a special favor, he will be given a choice of people to replace. Satan then leads Bill to a room with three doors.
The first door opens. Behind the door is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me.”

The second door opens. Behind door #2 is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton again says, “I don’t think this is for me.”

The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well,” says Satan. “Monica, you’ve been pardoned – you may go now.”

The Dr. Seuss Storyline:

Mr. Starr:
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I’m a brilliant barri-star.
I’m here to ask, as you’ll soon see, Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
And were you spied by prying eyes?
Mr. Clinton:
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join-even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!
Mr. Starr:
Did you smile? Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
Did you hug and did you kiss
This young Lewinsky miss?
Did you go and make a mess?
Did you soil her brand new dress?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?
Mr. Clinton:
That is it, you’ve gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
This bad dream I want to bury,
I will tell the Grand Jury!
I will tell them what we did,
I will tell them where we hid.
I will tell them everything,
Of this hot and torrid fling!
Mr. Starr:
So you did it, you admit!
You bared your johnson to that twit.
We have the dress, we have a case
The Oval Office was the place.
Though she promised not to slip
She blabbed it all to Linda Tripp.
For your crimes of deceit,
They’ll start the process to impeach.
Mr. Clinton:
From my country, I beg of thee,
Give me trust and sympathy.
There was a moment I was weak,
Some satisfaction I did seek.
How was I to run this nation,
While Hillary took vacation.
Monica was there for me,
She’s not a model, I agree.
Mr. Starr:
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I’m a brilliant barri-star.
Beg and grovel all you choose
But in the end you will lose.
For Monica I do not care,
What comes of her and that hair.
But in hist’ry I’ll go far,
For I am Starr, STAR I ARE!

Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?

Her dad is getting more dates than she is.

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and
placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The
minister replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!”

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,”I’m
sorry, I didn’t know there was a choice. I’ll have the same thing he’s
having.”

OPERATOR, WE’VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP) John, that’s not what Ma Bell meant by “Reach Out and Touch Someone”.

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.”It’s me, Bill Clinton”. “What bad things did you do on Earth?” Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn’t hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ Don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering but don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas
Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, “I will
make someone happy!” and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, “I will make five people happy!” and throws 5 one
dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, “I will make 500 people happy!” and throws 500 one
dollar bills off the plane.

Then George W. Bush says, “I will make the whole world happy!” and throws Bill
Clinton off the plane.

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

First surgeon: “I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man’s leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he’s recovered fully he does the work of five guys.”

Second surgeon: “That’s really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He’s so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!”

Third surgeon: “Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he’s so good he’s putting this entire country out of work!”

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?A: Chelsea.