Category: politics

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium” . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for “shit”

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.
Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.

“That’s it?” said the exasperated neighbor. “What if your father and grandfather had been horse thieves?”

“Well…” Joe replied, “I suppose then I’d be a Democrat like you.”

Loblaws has been contracted by the White House to develop a new sauce called “President’s Choice — Memories of Monica.”

The Clinton aides don’t care what it tastes like — their only stipulation is that it doesn’t leave any stains if spilled on your dress.

Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical care is a frill.

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary
wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. “Bill, Bill wakeup.” Bill
stays sleeping. Hillary continues, “Bill, Bill wake up.” Bill finally
wakes up and says, “What do you want?”

Hillary responds, “I have to go use the bathroom.”

To which Bill says, “Please tell me you didn’t wake me up just to tell Me
you have to go to the bathroom.

Hillary says, “No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.”

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

“Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the “little people” pay less than the going rate for rent.

Since we have only one “little person” living here it turns out that he won’t have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything.

We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro:

Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began, “They accuse me of intervening in Angola…” and a man going through the audience called out, “Peanuts! Popcorn!”

Castro went on: “They say I�m intervening in Mozambique…” and the same loud voice shouted, “Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued: “They say I�m intervening in Nicaragua…” and the voice yelled again, “Peanuts! Popcorn!”

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, “Bring that man who is shouting ‘Peanuts! Popcorn!’ to me, and I�ll kick him all the way to Miami.”

And everybody in the audience started shouting, “Peanuts! Popcorn!”

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. “Who goes there?”
inquired St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill Clinton.” “What sins did you commit
while on Earth?” asked St. Peter. Clinton thought for a moment and then
answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against
me because I didn’t inhale. And, I suppose I had extra-marital sex, but
you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ‘sexual
relations.’ I should also mention that I lied, but you shouldn’t hold that
against me either because I didn’t commit perjury.”

After several moments of deliberation, St. Peter replied, “Okay, here’s
the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it’s very hot, but we won’t call
it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t
call it ‘eternity.’ And, don’t ‘abandon all hope’ when you get there. Just
don’t hold your breath waiting for ‘Hell’ to freeze over.”

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?A: The White House.

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?A: They haven’t had any brains for the last thirty years.