Category: politics

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?A: Nothing . . . yet.

When you wanna hang up on somebody do this: Say,”You have room in your
closet?”. They say why? You say,”I need you to hang this up?” They say hang what
up? Just hang up the phone.

15. “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But first, a few words from my husband…”

14. “Okay, I shagged her. I shagged her rotten, baby!”

13. “Immediately after my speech, you are all cordially invited to come up here and kiss my pasty white ass.”

12. “Members of Congress, I feel you’re a pain.”

11. “Are you impeachin’ me? Are you impeachin’ me? You gotta be impeachin’ me cuz I’m the only President standin’ here.”

10. “I don’t think anyone can deny that this past year has made a vas deferens in the face of politics..”

9. “Any of y’all got that Gwyneth Paltrow gal’s phone number?”

8. “This meeting of The Duplicitous Serial Adulterers Group will now come to order. Ha, ha! Just kidding, people.”

7. “Look at it, people! Take a good look! You got a tool like this, you use it — know what I’m sayin’?”

6. “Acquit me, or the stock market gets it.”

5. “I have not had sexual relations with anyone in this chamber. But seriously, folks…”

4. “(Psssst! Al! Fourth row, third from the left — you can see right up her skirt!)”

3. “First, I’d like to introduce my new Attorney General, Alec Baldwin.”

2. “Whoa! I’ve been sleepwalking the last three years! I hope I didn’t do anything embarrassing!”

1. “I’m not under oath, am I?”

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] ]

Written by a Viet Nam Vet
GOD BLESS AMERICA!

“In Memory of the Twin Towers”

Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(The tune of Rawhide)

The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.

He bloodied up our nation
Didn�t give a reason why.

Now he’s placed a spear in our eye
Said its done it Allah�s name

So God’s coming looking for him
And he’s got himself to blame.

No more running, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t moving slowly.

You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything it�s got.

Just go hiding in your hills
You’ll be buried in your caves.

You’ll get what you’ve got coming now
For being Satan�s slaves.

You’ve woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep

Now with open roar like lions
There’s one promise he will keep

No more running, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t moving slowly.

You’ve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything it�s got.

So don’t close your eyes a moment
Cause you surely see death there.

Don’t waste your time in moaning
You just haven’t got a prayer.

You chose to terrify the world
with your sensely killing spree

Brought violence into our lives
Placed hate inside of me.

No more running, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t moving slowly.

You’ve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything it�s got.

In this peaceful loving Nation
Home of brave and of the free

All are calling up your number
Over land and over sea

We have seen the vileness in your soul
The horrors you create

Now this angry nations coming
Look around we’re at your gate

No more running, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t moving slowly.

You’ve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything it�s got.

Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything it�s got.

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now,
George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have catastrophic results
in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).

Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec
Baldwin – among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is
elected president.

And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load
moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so
they can relocate before they change their minds.

For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and
their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when
you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen “refugee� as they
learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.

You will help, won’t you? It costs so little but it means so much.
Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are
accepted.

At least now, Mr. Clinton, we understand why mattresses are discounted
every Presidents Day.

This Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all
around the neighbourhood, in the park, everywhere. He can’t find the
parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk
officer his problem.

The officer’s a little puzzled. “Look, bud, I’m sorry you lost
your bird, but this is the KGB. We don’t handle missing animal reports.”

“Oh, I know that”, says the guy. “I just wanted you to know, if
you find my parrot — I don’t know where he could have picked up all his
political ideas.”

What does Hillary Clinton do after she shaves her pussy?

Puts a suit and tie on him and sends him off to run the country.

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when they come across a fence
where a goat has his head stuck.
Saddam looks at Osama, Osama looks at Saddam and Osama smiles, drops his
pants, and starts goin to town with this goat, just tearin’ his ass up. After
Osama is done, he says, “Alright, Saddam, your turn.”

And Saddam drops his draws, grabs his ankles, and sticks his head in the
fence.

I hear that the Democrats are considering changing their emblem
from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands for inflation,
halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks,
and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of
procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for
my act of copulation.
I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I
could not obtain through masturbation, which resulted in my fornication. I
accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation,
penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid
inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for
duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite of her fascination with
variation.
This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the
media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is
considering castration, which would require my hospitalization.
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and
rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not
result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided
illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.
Sincerely,
The Rev. Jesse Jackson.

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium” . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for “shit”

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.