Category: politics

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks…
“Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows
up?”

The man curls his eyebrows and asks “huh?”
The old man gets up and says “wait right here.”

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some
poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the
man and says:

” Ok, here’s how it works…
If the boy grabs the beer he’s gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he’s gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he’s gonna be a preacher.”

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts…
“HOT DANG SON – HE’S A DEMOCRAT!”

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can “because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC
DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson

Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the
same DNA.

Sorry,
The FBI

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?A: There is writing on the White-out.

You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”

There is an unconfirmed report from Washington DC that about one month
ago a well-known psychic predicted that Monica Lewinsky would “go down”
in history.

There’s a woman and two men. The woman says she is the most beatiful
person in the world. The first man says that he is the strongest man on
the earth. The second man says that he has had the most sex in the world.
But then all three disagree about one another and so the three go to the
wizard. The woman went in and asked the wizard if she is the most beatiful
woman in the world and the wizard said that she was. Then the first man
went in and asked the wizard if he was the stongest man in the world and
the wizard that he was. Then the second man went in and asked the wizard
if he had the most sex in the world,but instead the second may came out
and said “Who is Bill Clinton?”

Definitions of A Diplomat:

Always knows what to talk about, but doesn’t always talk about what he knows.
Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
Can always make himself misunderstood.
Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
Can make nothing sound like something.
Can put his best foot forward when he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Can put his foot down without stepping on someone’s toes.
Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
Can tell a man he’s open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.
Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.
Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.
Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
Knows how far to go before he goes too far.
Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.
Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.
Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.
Straddles an issue whenever he isn’t dodging one.
Will approach every question with an open mouth.
Will lay down your life for his country.
Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

All of Iraq’s Walmarts and Kmarts are turning into Targets.

40oF Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

35oF Italian cars don’t start.

32oF Water freezes.

30oF You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless.

25oF Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.

20oF Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath.

15oF N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.

12oF You plan a vacation to Mexico.

10oF Too cold to snow

5oF You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

3oF You plan a vacation in Houston.

0oF Too cold to skate. American cars don’t start.

-5oF You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

-10oF Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

-15oF Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-20oF You plan a 2-week hot bath.

-25oF The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don’t start.

-30oF Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button…

Below -30oF The kids call home from college. End of the world:

Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America’s best and brightest to the Nation’s Capitol to help the “Head Man” do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America’s movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won’t show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

Sounds like it’s for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

“I couldn’t believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic.”

— M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.

Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at [email protected]

Name: _________________________

Hometown: _____________________

Sex: F_____ Age: __

Measurements: __ __

(required for medical purposes)

How many beers it takes to get you…

…Giggly:

…Drunk:

…Hot:

…To lie to a federal prosecutor:

Quick quiz:
You’ve always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You’ve always wanted to know more about the President’s:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) “monument to democracy”

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House

Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.

Uncle Sam wants you.

*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.