Category: politics

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

“How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams – “this is not what I was promised!”

An angel replies “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you…
What the hell did you think I said?

Bill Clinton now has a dog in the Oval Office instead of a cat. This way
it won’t “sound” suspicious when he says, “Roll over and get your bone!”

Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill
out the window right now and make one person very happy.”

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten
$1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.”

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, “Of course,
then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and
make a hundred people very happy.”

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could
throw all of you out the window and make the whole country
happy.”

Clinton: (C)ompulsive (L)iar (I)s (N)ation’s (T)op (O)fficial (N)ow

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise
infamous crime,
unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in
cases
arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in
actual
service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be
subject
for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb;
nor shall
be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against
himself, nor be
deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of
law; nor shall
private property be taken for public use, without just
compensation.

– The Constitution of the United States of America
Amendment 5, 1791

What do Monica Lewinsky and a Coke Machine have in common?

They both have a sign that says, “Insert Bill here, face up.”

16> I Know What You Did Last Weekend, and So Does the Rest of the Country, Including Your Parents

15> The Cider House RULES!!

14> Glenfiddich Glen Ross

13> C.H.U.G.

12> Falling Down, Drunk

11> A Fish Called Jenna

10> The Texas Braincell Massacre

9> The Beer Hunter

8> 101 Citations

7> The Legend of Drunken First Daughter

6> What Did You Do in the Bar, Daddy?

5> A Pack o’ Schlitz, Now!

4> Tanked Girl

3> From Beer to Fraternity

2> Puking Tiger, Heaving Dragon

1> Dude, Where’s My Lawyer?

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Q: What’s the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

15> Send an unmanned probe to the distant Milky Way galaxy.

14> Launch satellites that can make big bunny shadows on the moon every night.

13> Sell the sun to Halliburton so that they can corner the solar-energy market, too.

12> Determine if the moon is made of stinky French cheese or God’s cheese, Velveeta.

11> Finally send a rescue team to retrieve that poor lost dog, Pluto.

10> Shoot 500 poor people into space every week until decent folks feel safe to walk at night again.

9> A mission to locate his Air National Guard unit that he couldn’t find during the Vietnam War.

8> Move the moon closer, so we can just fly there by airplane.

7> Instead of useless gray, use giant spotlights to make the moon’s color reflect the current terror alert level.

6> Find the black hole that Al Gore’s career got sucked into; seal it forever.

5> Find the Robinson family before that Dr. Smith jerk gets them all killed.

4> The Howard Dean Space Station — complete with Howard Dean in permanent residence.

3> Increase funding to NAPA to help the search for intelligent life.

2> Finally land a man on the sun — Paul O’Neill.

1> Launch a pre-emptive strike against Marvin the Martian based on intelligence gathered by Special Agents D. Dodgers and B. Bunny of the CIA.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear–the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear–a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: Same

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

The Pope visits Washington and President Bush takes him for a ride down the Potomac on the presidential yacht. They’re enjoying themselves when a gust of wind blows the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) off and out onto the water. The Secret Service begins to launch a boat but Bush waves them off saying, “Wait. I’ll take care of this.”

Bush steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water, walks out a ways and picks up the hat. Back on board, he hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the Washington Post carries the story complete with photos under the heading: “BUSH CAN’T SWIM”.

Don’t vote. You’ll only encourage them.
– Unknown
***
“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad
reputation.”
– Henry A. Kissinger
***
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency,
even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.”
– Ronald Reagan