Category: politics

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.

“Who said, ‘Give me Liberty or give me Death’ ?” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki’s

“Patrick Henry 1775,” he said.

“Very good! Who said ‘…government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’?”

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper, “Screw the Japs.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand: “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”

At that point a student said, “I’m gonna puke.” The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Who said that?”

Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

With near mob hysteria, someone screams, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Suzuki yells, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”

At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.

One of the kids says, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!”

Suzuki says, “Arthur Andersen, 2002.”

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “The President Must Die” written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers “Well, don’t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?”

Clinton says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.

The results just came back, and it was Al Gore’s urine.”

Clinton says “I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president!

…Well, what’s the REALLY bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Hillary’s handwriting.”

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

“Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you dumbass.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumbass, it’s Tony Blair!”

Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous
campaign rallies in the same park of a small new England town.
After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the
crowd–shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain.
One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with
half a dozen regulars.
The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd–shaking
hands, kissing babies, etc.
“That man’s persistence,” observed one of the natives, “sure makes it easy to
know who to vote for.”
“Yep,” another native agreed. “Sure can’t see myself voting for a moron who
hasn’t the brains to come in out of the rain.”

A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for
it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up, and decided
to send it to President Clinton.

President Clinton was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot
of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you
letter to God which reads as follows: “Dear God, Thank you so very much for
sending me the money. Inoticed you sent it through Washington. As usual those
bastards deducted $95 as tax.”

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Congress!

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, George Bush, and Bill Clinton get stuck in a
tornado and land in the Land of Oz. Once they get to the Emerald City
Ronald Reagan steps up. The great wizard asks, “What brings you here?”
Ronald Reagan said, “I had some trouble with Iran and I would want a bit
of courage.” “Done,” replied the great wizard.

Then President Carter steps up. “What brings you in front of the great
wizard?” asked the wizard. “Umm…I need a brain I think,” answered
President Carter. “Done,” said the great wizard.

Then George Bush steps up. “What troubles you?” asked the wizard. “People
say I need a heart,” said Bush. “I’ve heard so. Done,” said the wizard.

Then Clinton steps up. “What brings you to the Emerald City?” asked the
wizard. Clinton paused. “Well?!” shouted the wizard. Then Clinton said
“Uh… anybody seen Dorthy around?”

Why did John Kerry get a belly button ring?

Because Bush got a Dick Cheney!

One of the nation’s largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will
be stocking America’s shelves this week with their newest Soup creation,
“Clinton Soup”, that will honor one of the nation’s most distinguished men. It
consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: “I
don’t know, I never had one.”

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a
choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what
shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?”
Bill Clinton replied, “No, some begin with ‘After I’m elected’.”

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So
far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is
so full of crap he can’t fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders:
integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the
whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to
know.”

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed
regularly, and for the same reason!

Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don’t read any further unless you are sitting down …

OK?

Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but I’m sure it will be before I start to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won’t mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do.

His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.

I guess that’s it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know … There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.

However, I am getting a “D” in History and an “F” in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great…I love it, though I miss you both terribly…and Socks, too!

P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.

Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?A: An optimist.