Category: politics

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?A: Trying to save both faces.

10> Not Just Another Overpaid Celebrity Taking Advantage of Name Recognition and the Resulting Glut of Free Media Coverage

9> Your Vote Could Help Prevent Him From Making “Last Action Hero 2”

8> Of Course He’s Sincere: We Already Know He Can’t Act

7> It’s Not a Toomah, It’s ze Defizit!

6> Vote for Me or “I’ll Be Back” Next Election With Even More Annoying Slogans

5> Vote for Someone With Experience Screwing a Democrat

4> The Closest Thing to a Bulletproof Kennedy

3> Schwarzenegger: Be Thankful I’m Not a Write-In Candidate

2> I’m a Friend of Gray Davis. I Was Told That He’s Here. Could I See Him, Please?

1> Free Water and Electricity From Oregon, or I’ll Kick Their Governor’s Ass!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.

When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn’t much of an accomplishment.

“Ah, but you’re wrong. I did it in record time.” When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn’t that great.

“Oh yeah?” said the commander in chief, “Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!”

Clinton: (C)razy (L)iberal (I)ntent (O)n (N)eedlessly (T)rashing (O)ur (N)ation

This morning, National Public Radio reported that Monica Lewinsky had
been in an accident with her Sport Utility Vehicle. Immediately, four
things came to my mind:

1. She must have blown a rod.
2. Obviously, her driving sucks too.
3. It’s not the first time she flipped over something with a spare tire.
4. I wonder how badly this accident stained her dress?

The good news and the bad news for Saddam’s doubles…
All eight of Saddam Hussein’s body doubles were gathered in a bunker in
downtown Baghdad.
Tariq Aziz, the Deputy Prime Minister, walked in and said, “I’ve got good news
and bad news. The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have
a job.”
One of the doubles spoke up and said, “what’s the bad news”?
“He’s lost an arm.”

Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995’s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you, I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive.

It’s only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.

Next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jaclyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP’ing houses.

In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria.

I’ll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.

DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s.

Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. “Hooked On Phonics” is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here’s the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me!

It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r’s. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.

She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of “nests” in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.

If you take the two girls, then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,

Bob

Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

Q: What is Hillary’s favorite holiday?A: Summer Solstice.

Al Gore thought it would be a good idea . . .
. . . if he could get a better feel for the top job by leaving the VP’s
residence and spending the remaining nights of the campaign as Mr. Clinton’s
special guest at the White House. Mr. Gore was directed as all guests are, to
the Lincoln Bedroom.
On the first night he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost….
“George…what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Gore asked.
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington.
With all the excitement, Gore couldn’t sleep well and the next night the ghost
of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing
I could do to help the country?” Gore asked.
“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” advised Jefferson.
Gore still couldn’t sleep well and the next night he saw another figure moving
in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I
could do to help the country?”, Gore asked.

Abe replied, “Go to the theater!”

From The Simpsons in April of 1993:[Bart] Didn’t you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.

Q: What’s the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: “Don’t hit your head on the desk.”

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President’s day?
A: All pants half off.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.

Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say “Insert Bill” here.”