Category: politics

White House Pillowtalk

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Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. “Bill, Bill wake up.”
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, “Bill, Bill wake up.”

Bill finally wakes up and says, “What do you want?” Hillary responds, “I have to go use the bathroom.”

To which Bill says, “Please tell me you didn’t wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.”

Hillary says, “No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.”

In Defnese of Marraige

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� Ronald Reagan – divorced the mother of two of his children to marry Nancy Reagan, who bore him a daughter only 7 months after the marriage.

� Bob Dole – divorced the mother of his child, who had nursed him through the long recovery from his war wounds.

� Newt Gingrich – divorced his wife who was dying of cancer.

� Dick Armey – House Majority Leader – divorced

� Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas – divorced

� Gov. John Engler of Michigan – divorced

� Gov. Pete Wilson of California – divorced

� George Will – divorced

� Sen. Lauch Faircloth – divorced

� Rush Limbaugh – Rush and his current wife Marta have six marriages and four divorces between them.

� Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia – Barr, not yet 50 years old, has been married three times. Barr had the audacity to author and push the “Defense of Marriage Act.” The current joke making the rounds on Capitol Hill is “Bob Barr…WHICH marriage are you defending?!?

� Sen. Alfonse D’Amato of New York – divorced

� Sen. John Warner of Virginia – divorced (once married to Liz Taylor.)

� Gov. George Allen of Virginia – divorced

� Henry Kissinger – divorced

� Rep. Helen Chenoweth of Idaho – divorced

� Sen. John McCain of Arizonia – divorced

� Rep. John Kasich of Ohio – divorced

� Rep. Susan Molinari of New York – Republican National Convention Keynote Speaker – divorced

So … homosexuals are going to destroy the institution of marriage? Wait a minute, it seems the Christian Republicans are doing a fine job without anyone’s help!

Republican Jokes and Quotes

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Political definitions: A Democrat believes that people are fundamentally good and intelligent, and therefore they need help from the government in running their lives. A Republican on the other hand believes that people are fundamentally bad and greedy, and therefore if they are left alone by the government, things will work well.

The same old fraternity boys, geezers in golf pants, cheese merchants, cat stranglers, corporate shills, Bible beaters, swamp developers, amateur cops, and old gasbags that we have known since time immemorial. (on the new Republican majority in Congress in 1995) Garrison Keillor

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it. – P. J. O’Rourke (1947- )

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four hundred and sixty-two: Twelve to investigate Clinton’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry, 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D, 34 to cut the tax rate on light bulbs, 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb, 41 to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead, and 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.

..MORAL DILEMMA D’JOUR: If a politician and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Quotes:

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. ..HL Mencken

It seems to be a law of nature that Republicans are more boring than Democrats. ..Stewart Alsop

The elephant has a thick skin, a head full of ivory, and as everyone who has seen a circus parade knows, proceeds best by grasping the tail of his predecessor. ..Aldai Stevenson

When Republican speech-makers think they are thinking, they are only re-arranging their prejudices. ..Aldai Stevenson

I wish somebody would make a new Republican speech. ..Frank McKinney Hubbard

The trouble with the Republican Party is that it has not had a new idea for thirty years. ..Woodrow Wilson

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party. ..Walter Lippmann

I don’t want to lay the blame on the Republicans for the Depression. They’re not smart enough to think up all those things that have happened. ..Will Rogers

The Repubican Party either corrupts its liberals or it expels them. ..Harry S Truman

In Minnesota, the Republicans are like the lowest form of existence. They don’t have much life or vitality at the height of their existence, but they never die. ..Eugene McCarthy

A man said the Democrats paid him $3 to vote for their man and the Republicans paid him $2 to vote for their man, so he voted Republican because they were less corrupt.

Senator Allen W Barkley once read a letter alleged to have been written to Dorothy Dix, who conducted an advice-to-the-lovelorn column:

“Dear Miss Dix: I am in love with a beautiful girl of fine character, and I want to marry her. But there are some things I am ashamed of. She knows about my sister who is a prostitute, my brother who is in the penitentiary, and my uncle who is in an insane asylum. But she doesn’t know about my two cousins who are Republicans. Should I tell her?

Republicans sleep in twin beds – some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats. ..Will Stanton, Ladies Home Journal, 1962.

Shortly after the massive Democratic victory in the Presidential election of 1964, Vice President Humphrey was spending a few days at the LBJ ranch in Texas. One day Johnson was showing Humphrey over the pastures when Humphrey suddenly stopped, lifted a foot gingerly, and called out,” Mr President, I just stepped into the Republican platform.”

William Jennings Bryan during a political campaign was called upon for an impromptu speech, but the only available perch for him was a manure spreader in an adjoining field. So Bryan climbed aboard the spreader and began by saying that it “was the first time I have had occasion to speak to an audience from a Republican platform.”

Republican Senator John Sherman Cooper tells about the time he was campaigning in a fiercely Democratic area of Kentucky and was shaking every hand in sight.One old fellow seemed reluctant. “I’m John Cooper,” said the Senator. “You’re a Republican, ain’t you?” challenged the man. “Yes.” “Well,” drawled the man extending a limp hand,”just press it light.” ..Paul Healy, in Saturday Evening Post.

In 1950 Senator Robert Kerr of Oklahoma was campaigning for his junior colleague from Oklahoma, Mike Monroney, who was opposed by Rev W.H. Bill Alexander. Kerr told his audience that “Alexander one day said to his congregation, ‘after communion with the Almighty, I have decided to enter the Democratic primaries and run for the Senate.’ ” “Well,” continued Kerr, “soon afterward Alexander switched over to win the Republican nomination. What I would like to know is this: If the Lord told Alexander to run as a Democrat, who, then, told him to run as a Republican?”

Alternative Russian Roulette

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The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said “As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded – you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.

Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.

Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke “Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette”.

So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex – take your pick”.

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette.

He said “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part?

Where’s the danger?”

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, “One of them is a cannibal”

Clinton and Saddam

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Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well. “I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!” A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.”Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”Clinton says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”