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Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party’s political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.
More than 75,000 children adopted from abroad and living in this country will
automatically become United States citizens on Tuesday because of changes to
immigration law. The government reported that the kids found this exciting,
especially the thousand or so who were NOT adopted by Mia Farrow.
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
One day George W. Bush, Al Gore, and Bill Clinton were in a boat. All of a
sudden the boat sprung a leak and they had only one life jacket. They decided to
take a vote to see who would get the life jacket. When the votes were counted,
Al Gore had 1, Bill Clinton had 1, and George W. Bush had 7.
John F. Kennedy Jr., editor-in-chief of GEORGE, drew snickers today in a speech a t the American Association of Advertising Agencies Media Conference in Anaheim, Calif., when he said he believed President Clinton’s denial of Oval Office liaisons. AD AGE DEADLINE captured Kennedy’s funny: ‘I was under that very desk 35 years ago,’ Mr. Kennedy said. ‘I could tell you there’s barely room for a three-year-old.’–From Mat Drudge, the Drudge Report
Vote early and often.
Insight into going to war over religion:
“You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better
imaginary friend.”
Here’s something everyone should probably know:
You may remember that on July 2, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with four
aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is an incident, of course, that many say has been covered up by the
government.
However, you may not know that on March 31,1948, exactly nine months after
that day, Al Gore was born.
Now, that clears up a lot of things.
Concussion: A prisoner’s sofaCongenital: To be friendlyD & C: Where the White House isDilate: To live too longEnema: Not a friendFester: QuickerFibula: A small lieGI series: A soldier ball gameHangnail: A coat hookImpotent: Distinguished, well known
Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell ” Well Kjell, I don’t know what you think of
the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant.”
“How do you know?” asks Kjell Magne.
“Oh well, it’s simple”, says Bill. “They all have to take special tests before
they can be a minister. Wait a second”. He calls Madeleine Albright over and
says to her “Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your
mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Ah, that’s simple Mr. President”, says Madeleine, “it is me!”
“Well done Madeleine,” says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik are very
impressed.
Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the
intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says:
“Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not
your brother and is not your sister?”
Lars thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer. “Can I think about it a
bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?”
“Of course,” says Bondevik, “you’ve got 24 hours.”
Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team, but
no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried – still no answer
and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars Sponheim says “I’ll ask Gudmund Restad,
he’s clever, he’ll know the answer.” He calls Restad.
“Gudmund,” he says, “tell me who is the child of your father and of your
mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“Very simple”, says Gudmund, “it’s me!”
“Of course” says Lars and calls Kjell Magne Bondevik.
“Kjell Magne”, says Lars, “I’ve got the answer: it’s Gudmund Restad”.
“No you idiot”, says Bondevik, “it’s Madeleine Albright”.
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, tells the teller that
she has $5,000,000.00 in cash to be used to open an account. However, before she
just hands over that much money, she would like to meet the man who runs things.
The teller calls the bank president, and arranges the meeting. The lady goes
into his office, and after introductions are made, the bank president asks the
lady how she came to have so much cash on hand.
The lady tells him that she’s an avid gambler. The bank president says “You
must be the luckiest person that I’ve ever met, to win so much!” “No” replies
the lady, “I will only bet on a sure thing, and since I am somewhat gifted with
the ability to see the future, ALL of my bets are sure things.”
The bank president smiles and says “No, it must be luck madam. There is no
such thing as a sure thing”. “I’ll prove it!” says the lady. She then closes her
eyes and starts to hum softly for about 30 seconds. “O.K…I have looked into
your future and I’m afraid there’s bad news. By 8:00 a.m tomorrow, your
testicles will have changed shape and will be perfectly square.”
The bank president is starting to think this lady is nuts, so he tells her
that he has no more time for this malarky and he would like for her to leave.
The lady refuses, and proposes a wager. The man declines until the old lady says
“Look, I’ll bet you $5,000.00 that by 8:00 tomorrow morning, your testicles will
be square! What have you got to lose? You claim I can’t win – there’s no such
thing as A sure thing…right?” By this the bank pres. is really starting to
dislike this old broad, and not only would he enjoy teaching her a lesson, he
could use the $5K. “O.K fine!” he yells “You got a bet!”.
“Wonderful!” proclaims the lady, “I’ll see you 1st thing tomorrow. Do you mind
if my attorney accompanies me? I always have him present for wagers over
$500.00.” The man replies “Lady, I don’t care who you bring, as long as you
bring the money!”
That night the bank president has some strange dreams, and what the lady said
is really starting to get to him. The next morning, he’s greatly releaved to see
that everything is the same shape as always. He dresses, and goes to the bank
where he finds the lady and a man waiting for him.
“Well” says the lady, “Do you want to have the money deposited into my new
account, or do you have cash?”
The bank pres. smiles and replies “I feel bad doing this, but nutty old dames
like you need to be taught a lesson sometimes, and I know that you can afford
it, so it is you that must pay. You see, my testicles are the same shape they’ve
always been. Not the slightest bit square.” “What!” cries the lady, “That can’t
be!! I never imagined that it would come to this, but I won’t pay one cent until
I’ve examined the testicles myself!”
The bank pres. blushes with embarrassment, but finally replies “Under the
circumstances, I suppose that’s not unreasonable” and with that he drops his
pants. The lady gets on her knees to grasp him, and her attorney screams “DAMMIT
YOU OLD BAT!! YOU’VE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!!” and he hands her $15,000.00 in cash.
At this point the bank president is completely lost. “What in the hell was
that all about?” he asks. “Oh,” says the lady as she carefully puts the money
into her bag “I bet him that I would literally have the president of the Chase
Manhattan Bank by the balls before 9:00 this morning. So here’s the $5,000.00
that I lost to you, and please add the other $10,000.00 to my new account”
What’s the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??
Libertarians are anarchists with money.
Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.
Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.
Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.
Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.
Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.
Libertarians go to the police after they’ve been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.
A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.
Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.
Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.
Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren’t organized in anything.
Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose.
Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don’t care what libertarians think.