Category: politics

Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

You heard that Bill Clinton is begging forgiveness of the American People?
Well, now he’s the one on his knees.

What do Bill Clinton and Mark McGwire have in common?
They’re both making front-page news with their whacker.

When Chelsea was in Girl Scouts, it was mom Hillary that helped with selling
the cookies. Why not dad?
Because they caught him nibbling on the Brownies!

Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica’s appearance.
“She’s got the whitest teeth I’ve ever cum across!”

What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century?
Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a
chocolate lab.

What did Bill Clinton say after he was asked if Paula Jones was better than
Monica Lewinsky?
Close but no cigar!

Clinton testified at the Paula Jones deposition he preferred to engage in
sexual activity only on the days that started with
“T”: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, and Thunday.

What is Bill Clinton’s favorite federal program?
Head Start.

10. Part time work for an “escort” agency

9. Color commentator for the Braves

8. Shampoo commercial model for suave shampoo

7. Guest celebrity psychic for the 1-900-PSYCHIC hotline

6. Replace Dave as spokesman for Wendy’s

5. Guest shot on “Jeff Foxworthy”

4. Food critic for the Little Rock Gazette

3. Columnist for “High Times” magazine

2. Star as “Jethro” in the next Beverly Hillbillies Movie

1. Top Ten list editor for “Funny Town”

You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: Biggest fear: Cold war
Clinton: Biggest fear: Cold sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: Vice President: Greek
Clinton: Vice President: Geek

Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her.

Nixon: Known as tricky Dick
Clinton: no difference

Nixon: Ex-president
Clinton: Sex President

…and my #1 favorite:

Nixon: Talked of achieving Peace with honor.
Clinton: Talked of achieving piece while on her.

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. “So you buried all the politicians?” asked the police officer. “Were they all dead?”

The farmer answered, “Some said they weren’t, but you know how politicians lie.”

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?A: Unite the Republican Party.

“Quaylisms”

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have

was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse

with those people.”

— J. Danforth Quayle

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” — J. Danforth

Quayle

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and

child.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.” —

Vice President Dan Quayle

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same

distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures

where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that

means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is

being very wasteful. How true that is.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean

in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I

didn’t live in this century.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and

democracy – but that could change.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,

and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

“May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.”

— The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,

though.]

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.” — Vice President

Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

“We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.” — Vice

President Dan Quayle

“I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements

in the Future.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“The future will be better tomorrow.” — Vice President Dan Quayle

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions

and have a tremendous impact on history.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a

firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.” — Vice

President Dan Quayle

“Public speaking is very easy.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.” — Vice President

Dan Quayle

“I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Vice

President Dan Quayle

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the

polls.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots

and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is

to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for

the killings? The killers are to blame.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having

it.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

“Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still

has a job next year.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” —

Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.” — Vice President Dan

Quayle, 9/5/90

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our

children.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan

Quayle may or may not make.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on

the mistakes we may or may not have made.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the

impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.” — Vice

President Dan Quayle

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “YES, I AM!”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90’s

OLD—————NEW

conservative–reactionary

the establishment–white power elite

hearing person–temporarily aurally abled

sighted person–temporarily visually abled

blind–visually challenged

mute–vocally challenged

deaf–aurally challenged

dead–metabolically different

alive–temporarily metabolically abled

ugly–aesthetically challenged

fat–gravitationally challenged

heavy-set–people of mass

rude–politically correct

psychopath–socially misaligned

crooked–ethically challenged

klutzy–kinesthetically challenged

bald–follicularly challenged

short–differently statured

non-white, non-male oppressed–white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive

white male–oppressor

black–african-american

asian–asian-american

afro-american–african-american

minority group–numerically challenged group; under-represented population

black–person of color

Chicano–person of color

weird green freak–person of color

female–person of gender

drooling drunk idiot–person on floor

group of blacks–Under-Represented population of persons of color

Group of Whites–L.A.P.D.

woman–womyn

women–wymin

girl–pre-womyn

man–oppressor

boy–oppressor-to-be

pregnancy–parasitic oppression

janitor–sanitation engineer

disabled car-mechanically challenged car

dish washer–utensil sanitizer

dairy–where cows are raped

ranch–where cattle are murdered

egg ranch–where hens are raped

biology department–where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of theimperialist drug companies

fishing–raping the oceans

farming– exploiting mother earth

nhl hockey–uniformed fascists vying for superiority

paper bag– processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80’s are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).

old 80’s/90’s

deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged

blind /sight impaired/visually challenged

retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged

queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)

fat/big boned/alternative body image

6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it’s what’s for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings “I Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation’s economy
11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

10.Latest radio address to the nation ended with the phrase “You can all bite me”

9.Giving people on the White House tour the finger

8.Punched the side of Al Gore’s head so hard he broke his hand

7.Threw half-eaten Big Mac from South Portico, beaning a Marine Band clarinetist

6.At recent Rose Garden ceremony, has Secret Service rough up some Spelling Bee champions

5.Blurted out to Roger, “Isn’t it time you got, like, a job?”

4.When pizza was late, beat delivery boy senseless with a Yoo-Hoo bottle

3.Feverishly adds names to long list of guys he’s going to slug the minute he becomes a private citizen

2.Actually talked back to Hillary

1.Every five minutes, he’s threatening to bomb Mexico