Category: politics

A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl. They go back to
her room and start to discuss prices. She says “It’s $100 for a blow job,
$200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica.”

“What’s a Monica?” he asks.

“That’s where I blow you now and screw you later.”

During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my neighbor, Van, about presidential politics. Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican.I told him that my Father and grandfather were Republicans before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition.”That’s it?” said my exasperated neighbor. “What if your Father and grandfather had been horse thieves?””Well…” I replied, “I suppose then I’d be a Democrat like you.”

BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT

Bush To Be Smitten Later Today

HEAVEN, ENTIRE UNIVERSE (ANS) — In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the “one nation, under God” clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the recent Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

“I’m not sure where the Supreme Court gets off,” God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, “but I’m sure as hell not going to lie back and led Bush get away with this bull*#@!.”

“I’ve watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida ‘will never be known.’ Well, I’m God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let’s cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes.”

Shocking political analysts and pundits, God’s unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God’s Word for possible grounds for appeal.

“God’s ruling is a classic over-reach,” argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. “Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against The constitution of the state of Florida.”

“Jim Baker’s a jackass,” God responded. “He’s got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean.”

God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to “a friggin’ idiot.”

“Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don’t believe me? I’ll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron…”

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush’s prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush’s goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

What’s Monica Lewinsky’s favorite place in Washingto D.C.?

Under the beltway.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT
December 17, 1998

‘Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.

The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening’s nap.

When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.

With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

“Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let’s forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I’m no Richard Nixon!!!”
“From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!”

And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.

No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.

The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump – a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.
And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.

He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him “The Jerk.”
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By “Wagging The Dog,” up the polls he rose.

He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
“Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night.”

Reagan, Bush, and Clinton all went on a cruise together. While the ship was
out in the sea, it hit an iceberg and started to sink. Quickly, Reagan yelled
out, “Women and children first!”

Bush then cried, “Screw the women!”

To which, Clinton responded, “Do you think we have time?”

“WHO WANTS TO WIN AN OIL WELL”.

This is how the game is played. A contestant will be required to pick the correct answer out of 4 possible answers. For each correct answer chosen, a contestant wins money. There are 16 steps to winning the oil well. From 1 through 15, the contestant wins a monetary price. The final question, number 16, if answered correctly, wins the contestant an oil well in Iraq. If at any level you fail to correctly answer a question or are unable to answer a question, you automatically are eliminated from the contest.

A contestant has three life lines to use at any time during the contest, and the life lines may used in any combination at any time. The life lines are:

(A) Ask the studio audience.

(B) Use a 50/50 , in which case two wrong answers are removed from the four answers.

(B) Phone a friend for help.

Host: Our first contestant is Georgie Boy. Welcome to the show, Georgie Boy. What do you do for a living? Do you want to win an oil well?

Georgie Boy: Thank you. I live in the White House. You bet I want to win an oil well.

Host: Aha, that is quite a job, living in the White House. Well, Georgie Boy, lets get down with the show.

Question #1: Which of the following statements is an accurate representation of democracy in America?

Answers:

a) government of the people, by the people, for the people.

b) government of the people, by a few, for the greedy.

c) government of the people, by a few, against the people.

d) government of the people, by George Bush, for Dick Chaney.

Georgie Boy: This is an easy question. My answer is (d), final.

Host: You got it, Georgie Boy. You�ve won $100.00.

Question #2: What is George Washington�s last name?

Answers: a) George, b) WMD, c) Washington, D) George Washington.

Georgie Boy: I�ll like to ask the audience on this one.

Host: OK, audience, please help Georgie Boy on this one. Well, Georgie Boy, 95% of the audience says the answer is Washington.

Georgie Boy: I�m glad your audience is around to help. I was thinking the answer is (d), George Washington. Oh yes, I�ll go with the audience and say, Washington, final answer.

Host: Washington it is, Georgie Boy. You�ve won $200.00.

Question #3: How many justices are there on the US Supreme Court?

Answers: a) 2, b) 100, c) 9,000, d) 9.

Georgie Boy: You would think I should have known this by now, but I don�t. I�ll like to use my 50/50 life line.

Host: That�s a tough question, Georgie Boy. Computer, randomly remove two of the wrong answers.

Host: Well, Georgie Boy, b and c have been removed.

Georgie Boy: In that case I�ll like to guess 9, final answer.

Host: You got it, Georgie Boy, and you now have $400.00.

Question #4: How many senators are there in the US Senate?

Answers: a) 25, b) 13, c) 50 d) 100

Georgie Boy: Well, I guess I�ll have to use my last life line. I like to phone a friend, Dick Chaney.

Host: Who is Dick Chaney?

Georgie Boy: Oh, Dick is my Vice President, and he sits in the Senate all the time. He should have counted those senators right by now. Some folks refer to Dick Chaney as my boss, and I do not appreciate that. Yes, my dad instructed Chaney to take care of me, but he sure isn�t my boss. Others also claim that I am Chaney�s poodle.

Host: OK. Lets get Dick Chaney on the phone now.

Voice at the other end: Hello?

Host: Is this Dick Chaney?

Voice at the other end: Yes it is.

Host: Mr. Chaney, I have here with me, Georgie Boy, on Who Wants To Win An Oil Well. He has won $400.00 so far, and needs a correct answer to win $800.00 before continuing on to win an oil well in Iraq. He needs your help to correctly answer a question.

Dick Chaney: OK. But I never gave him permission to get on your show. I�ll help him all the same.

Host: Georgie Boy, you may ask Mr. Chaney.

Georgie Boy: Dick, how many senators are there in the US Senate? 25, 13, 50., or 100. You have 10 seconds to answer. Don�t sit on the question like the United Nations sat on our WMD the last time.

Dick Chaney: You must be referring to our Words of Mass Deception. Georgie Boy, the answer is 100.

Georgie Boy: Yippie, Dick, Words of Mass Deception, indeed. As long as the majority of Americans have lenses made of dollar bills, the longer we�ll keep getting away with misleading them with our WMDs. How sweet it is!

Georgie Boy: My answer is 100, and that is final.

Host: You got it, Georgie Boy, and you�ve now won $800.00. You�re now on your way to winning an oil well. However, because you�ve used up all of your life lines, you�re now on your own. Lets proceed to the next question.

Georgie Boy: Fine, bring it on.

Question #5. What is the capital city of Iraq?

Answers: a) Baghdad, b) Fallujah, c) Houston, d) Iran.

Georgie Boy: Oh boy, all those answers look good to me.

Host: But you can only pick one of them for a chance to win $5,000.00 and advance to the next stage of the contest.

Georgie Boy: Can I call Dick Chaney again?

Host: No, Georgie Boy, you�ve used up all of your life lines. You�re on you own now.

Georgie Boy: A higher being tells me the right answer is Iran. So I�ll say Iran, final answer.

Host: Oh, Georgie Boy, Iran is not the correct answer. The correct answer is Baghdad. I�m afraid you�ve got to run.

Georgie Boy: Oh no, I�m going to stay the course.

Host: Georgie Boy, may be on a golf course. Good bye.

Georgie Boy: I wish you had given me these questions ahead of time, like the rest of the media does when dealing with me. Since I can�t win an Iraqi oil well on your contest, I guess I just have to get with Dick Chaney and we�ll march into Iraq and do oil well grabs our war.

By Dick Bush

1600 WMD Avenue

Dee Cee Wee Cee, America

Gary Coleman said that if he’s elected governor of California, he’s going to build condos for “little people.” Everything will be scaled down to their size. Kitchen cabinets lower, sinks, toilets, etc., lower. And the tenants will not have to pay any rent.

They’ll be known as Gary Coleman’s Stay Free Mini-Pads.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Bill Clinton’s 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!

Bill Clinton’s limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to
Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the
limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he
can pay for the damages and apologize.
They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go
inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.
2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray,
a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face. Bill wants to know what
happened. The driver tells him “I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then
the parents introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in
the Miss America pageant, they left us alone and when I came downstairs the
mother had this bag of cookies for me.
Bill says “What did you tell them?” The driver replies “I told them I was Bill
Clinton’s driver, and that I just killed the pig.”

“People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we’re finished
fighting there. I’m sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of
times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes
the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan,
Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan.”